Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Self-esteem in men

Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself as a person. Those with high self-esteem believe that they are adequate, strong and worthy of a good life, while those with low self esteem feel inadequate and worthless. Low self-esteem can develop in childhood and continue through adulthood, causing great emotional pain.

Many people base their self-esteem on external factors, such as how much money they earn, how much they weigh and whether people like and appreciate them. This is wrong because you become vulnerable and worthless once that external variable ends.

Low self-esteem is something that takes a gradual but steady process to develop. It starts early in life (most times from infancy). Show me a man who has low self-esteem and I will show you a child who grew up rejected and unloved.

Africa is one continent that has lots of men with very low self-esteem. This is mainly because of the lack of exposure of most parents. Many potentially great minds have been destroyed simply because the immediate families, right from infancy made them see themselves as second class citizens of the world.

Being black doesn’t make you a second class citizen. I always feel bad with the way foreign embassies treat Africans simply because we have made them believe we can’t survive without them. A lot of people don’t even get the visa at the end of the day because they can’t look
at the white man eyeball to eyeball during the interview.
There is something you are carrying that the world needs. We don’t need to lose our pride just because someone else is white-skinned (wondering if there's anyone white or black in the real sense). Black is beautiful. 
It doesn’t matter how tough it was growing up. It doesn’t matter what people say you are – ugly, short, uneducated. The question is: what do you call yourself? How much work and struggle are you putting in to make your life better? I have seen many uneducated men who are polished and can mix with any class of people. I have also seen the educated that is nothing but a disgrace. I have seen the uneducated carry himself so well even when he has little or nothing and I have also seen those that I call money miss road.
Guys, it all has to do with what you see in you. It’s all about the man in you. I have an uncle who never passed through a primary school but right inside his father’s house, he educated himself, wrote exams, and got a scholarship into a foreign university. He didn’t stop until he got his Ph.D. He rose to become a Head of Civil Service in Anambra State.
Stop thinking it’s all about how much you have in your bank account. Try not to be a rich fool. It’s not necessary buying a doctorate degree. I read newspapers and see congratulatory messages for degrees given to illiterates. Boy, don’t allow a ‘but’ after the title. Education makes a big difference and you know what, it’s never too late to start. But like I said earlier; academic qualifications don't decide who you are.
Many marriages have broken down and enviable relationships have ended because of this problem. A good number of men get into marriage with very pretty, educated, hardworking ladies with  promising careers. At the initial stage of the relationship, they always brag before their friends because they are thrilled to have a working class lady or a celebrity for a wife or girlfriend. It, however, doesn’t take long before they both begin to regret their choice. The man begins to make life miserable for the woman due to lack of confidence and wrong counsel from friends. The lady on the other hand, having worked hard all her life to get to where she is, refuses to let go.
Guys, there is no reason putting a lady through unnecessary stress simply because you have refused to work on your self-esteem. You are a man, you can handle it. You met that lady a career woman, loved, and accepted her. Why allow your low self-esteem destroy a relationship you have spent so much to build? Even as your girlfriend, she was a Hollywood or Nollywood actor and you saw her roles before falling in love with her. You knew she attends late night meetings with top executives; why do you now want to stop her? You met her a public figure whose face graces national televisions  and radios; what makes you think she has to drop that? Why do you think she has and must close her thriving business just to massage your chauvinistic ego? If it's that important to you, you should discussed it before marriage. 
I laugh when I see people criticize celebrities, especially movie stars for cracks in their marriage. If you look and think deeper, you would find out that it's not always because of them. In fact, it's more about a man who knew her line of career but chose to marry her only to turn around to stand against her overnight. The solution is simple: If you don't have that very high self-esteem to handle a movie star, don't marry one. I am happy that Mercy Johnson's husband said he doesn't watch his wife's movies; that's a good one. I see people hail the likes of our very own Omotola. I always tell them to praise her husband more. I remember some years back when people criticized Omotola for not wearing her wedding ring as she took that shot with "Mr. Earring's hand on her bum. Who cares? As the world called for her head, the husband responded, "leave my wife alone". Now, that's a man who understands his wife's career and is doing everything to make sure she is the best among her colleagues. 
If you cannot handle a rich business woman, don't marry her. If you cannot handle a bank manager, don't marry her. If you cannot tolerate the excesses of a female politician, stay out of her life. If you cannot handle the sight of your wife hugging another man, don't marry a movie star. If you cannot stand it when people call your wife at odd times, don't marry a medical doctor, nurse, pastor, or a counselor. 
I know some women cannot balance family and career; I know there are very bad women. But I also see many good women struggling to remain relevant in their career and in most cases, that's because the man isn't doing what he should be doing. Guys, whatever you cannot handle in the future, don't try to handle it now.
Let's move away from relationship. I see men who can't stand it when another man seems to be better than them. I see men who attend events and leave in anger just because they were not recognized or called to the high table. And I always ask; if everybody has to be called to the high table, who then stays on the "low table"? Does your being called to the high table change your skin colour? If you are not Dangote and they call you to the high table, are you going to become Dangote by going to the high table? Real men don't make noise!

Let me not go further

Causes of low self-esteem
Lack of education
Wrong friends
Personal or professional failure
Childhood devoid of love and compliments

Way out of low self-esteem
Accept yourself: It doesn’t matter what people say you are, it doesn’t matter what they see in you. The question is, what do you call yourself? Don’t let anybody ruin your life with negative words. Rise and reject all those negative words. Do they call you ugly, illiterate, good for nothing...? Boy, you are what you call yourself. Wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself who you are: a masterpiece, great man, father of nations, healthy man...
It is not late to be educated. Passing through the university has its peculiar way of helping your self-esteem. Let everyone around you feel your love for education. It takes just four to five years for you to become a graduate. Not too long a time when compared with the benefits.
Let your partner know you are proud of her and are ready to stand by her all the way. Her success is your pride. Refuse to be threatened by her success and level of exposure. You are still the man. You reap what you sow. If you sow appreciation, you reap appreciation. If you make yourself her number one fan, she will make you her idol. I have seen men, great men, who choose to stay at the background and push their wife to greatness. They are men with high, very high self-esteem. This is what a man like Fela Durotoye is to Tara. Fela is a brand and he pushes to be sure his wife is a stronger brand.
Mix with the right people and refuse to be an ignorant fool. Let your friends know and celebrate your strengths. Don’t go on with your beer parlour friends. There are a lot of clubs and fellowships where you meet decent men with high self esteem. If you must be the man you were created to be, keep the right company. I got to a point in my life when I lost faith in me. Thank God, I had the right people standing by me, telling me, “Amara, you can make it". You need people that can stir you up and not those ones who have nothing positive to offer you.
I once had someone close to me. This guy would not mix with anybody who appeared smarter, richer or more educated. He preferred associating with people that would hail and worship him. This is a very terrible disease of the mind caused by low self-esteem.
Was your childhood one devoid of love? Were you tagged good for nothing? Has your own family (parents, wife, children, and siblings) lost faith in you? You know what? God believes in you. You can become the president of our dear nation tomorrow. You can become a mentor to so many tomorrow. Please refuse to give up on yourself. Get up and try again.
That you failed in your marriage, business, school or profession doesn’t mean you are a failure. It’s just a phase in your life. It was designed to make you a better person. Learn your lessons and move on.
Develop a reading habit. Don’t spend your time reading only gossip magazines. Read biographies and autobiographies of men and women who went through tougher times but made it at last.
There are lots of institutions available to help work on your self-esteem. You will be trained on how to talk, walk, and speak in public, in fact, everything that has to do with your personality.
Clergy and pastoral counseling may also be of help.
Take an inventory of your own strengths and abilities as a human being. This doesn’t mean you are unaware of your weaknesses. It means you accept who you are and genuinely like the person you have become. You should think of yourself as deserving of attention, admiration and proper maintenance
Remember that the most important conversation you have about self-esteem is with yourself. Become your own personal cheer leader. Don’t be afraid to celebrate your smallest success. Find out what you fear and look for ways to cope with these worries and fears.
Learn to know and trust yourself. Remember, your self-esteem can make or mar you. Build your self-esteem, be diligent in your work and you shall sit with kings and princes even if it takes years.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Designed by Tunde Sanusi (Tuham)