Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Please Pray for Me!

Honestly I do not know where and how to begin my story but I will have to tell it from the recent to the past. I write this in tears and pains. 
Just yesterday, doctor reconfirmed for the sixth time through a transviginal scan that there was no fetal pole in my gestational sac. I cried and still cry. 
I am a person who would take a life no matter what life poses me with. I discovered I was pregnant early July after I waited for my monthly cycle but it wasn't forth coming. 
Prior to then, at the end of June, I started having pains under my abdomen and I was thinking my period is about to come. I had light blood stain and I went to buy a pad and an ovulation test kit. 
I usually do have menstruation cramps but I am not one who does self medication,  if it becomes severe, I will have to see a doctor and go buy doctor's prescription or use Panadol or felvin or eat fresh aloe vera. 
In most cases, if the pains seemed bearable I simply take warm water and have enough exercise. I am not also one with a fixed period date but I know for certain that I don't have irregularities with my period. 
It usually fall between 24-26 sometimes 27days and once in a very long while, 28days. But I have never missed my period since I started having it as a sign of maturity. 
Out of anxiety, I told a family friend and my ex what I was actually experiencing. I also took it to myself to have a home urine pregnancy test and it came out negative and I became more worried. 
I have never bought a urine pregnancy test before in my life but this time I took the courage to buy plenty of it from a pharmacist. And I kept testing myself with every urine I made. It kept coming out negative. 
I still updated my ex and family friend about everything. I and my ex hoped it will soon come mayb it was delayed. My friend advised I have a blood pregnancy test since I had sex unprotected. I had to go to her place so she took me to a close private hospital where my blood was taken but the rest was negative. I told my friend I wasn't convinced about the result. 
Kindly note that I was spotting very very little even when the home test says negative. I wanted to rule out hormonal imbalance et.al so I decided to see a doctor . 
I went to a fed teaching hospital and doctor sent me for another pregnancy test and scan. It came out positive. I was actually devastated when I saw the result. I and my ex wasn't ready to settle down this soon. I informed him and he initially said I should abort it. I bluntly refused. 
After much positive and encouraging talk with him, we both decided to keep my baby and plan for a small wedding before my tummy becomes visible . So I told him he needed to inform his parents first before I tell mine, so that I will know how his parent will receive the news. 
He decided to tell his immediate brother first but I was against it. He explained that he needs their back and support since there are working and doing well. I later agreed with him and he told his brother in my presence. He told him how much he loves me and would like to settle with me. His brother told him his intention of getting married by the end of this year and how there is no money and lots more. 
He suggest that I have an abortion since we are not fully financially ready. I stood against it and remained on my ground of keeping it. I work he works. He was just about three months in his new job which I got for him. I am about a year and six months in my job. My take home is slightly above his. I know we could manage with what we have hoping life gets better. I have seen family managing below our incomes and yet they have peace. I never planned to be married in this way or to have a low life but I was only trying to manage the situation instead of seeing it as the end of life. 
He started saying I should about it all the time and I kept insisting I was going to keep it. We fought many times because of this. 
Out of depression I said he should give me the money he was owing me and also resign form the job I got him. I only said all this out of depression, I never meant it. to told his family about my threats and according to him his brothers are not in support. I had to call his dad to inform him. 
That was another issue for them all. According to him, he also said the fact is against it. I kept talking to him until I decided to start begging him for in tears and pains. He stood on his ground that he wasn't psychologically and financially ready. All these while, I am been very depressed. It was already affecting my job and I was suspended from work for seven days, no pay. On one occasion when the brother spoke to me on phone, he indirectly asked me to abort the pregnancy. That was the first time I ever proclaimed with my mouth that I was going to abort it for peace to reign. 
Prior to the he told me that he can never marry me because I collected my money which I lent him, and that I wanted him to loose his job because of this.
I explained to him that I was emotionally depressed and did not say that with my right thinking since. 
At a point he said with the way I am going about it that he doubt if he was the father of my baby. Even at that point I started thinking about my life and imagined how manage I dated him for almost four years without knowing he could be like this. 
I made a promise to myself and to him that I can endure all what he can say to me just because of my baby but should anything happens to my child I would never in my life and life to come forgive him or have anything to with with him. I wasn't getting married to him because I am pregnancy. I loved him. Yes I did. 
If not I wouldn't have stayed this long in this relationship with all the sacrifices made. I had very financially suitors but my heart wasn't with them. 
I was totally in love with him. And this happens to be my very first pregnant first man I will ever have sex with unprotected. Now my baby is no more (crying with pains) but I am yet to inform him. 
The doctor said I should get ready for a  D and E today but I am not ready to let my baby go off me. Even if all the whole word rejects him/her, I made a promise never to. 
I haven't seen you nor either did I hear your heartbeat, but I love you unconditionally. Just like I said he still insists I have an abortion or have the baby If I want but he would never marry me or take responsibility. But that never really worried me. 
My pains is that I wasted my years loving the wrong person and he made me believed he loved me. He made depression or whatever take away my very first baby in my life. 
How can I come with this? I sometime wish I don't exist. My heart is broken and shattered and my precious one is gone. I don't think my heart will ever forgive him. Every second I cry. 
My parents are not aware yet. Only my friend, and family friend is aware. I met him about four years ago during my NYSC, I knew his people and friends and they knew me. But now they are all not in support. 
I know that I have sinned against God by having a relation that fornication exist. Because He loves me even in my sins he will forgive me. I am on negative. I need the rogam shot if I decide to the D and E today. 
But I will give my baby a week to see if I can hear her heartbeat. If it doesn't come up I will have to do it to save my health. 
Meanwhile out of fear of the kind of being my ex has turned to, I decided to run another HIV test and I came out negative. He has made me never to trust anyone again or to love again. I pray God heals me quick. 
Please I need your heart prayers towards me. I need to recover. Please pray for me and to everybody ready this, please pray for me and send in your advices and encouragements. 
Sorry for the long write up and typo error, I tried making my story very short but detailed. God bless you all.

Dear sender, 
In times of pains and hopelessness, when we have many wishes and all we get is sorrows and gloomy moments, we can hold unto Him who knows everything we have no understanding of. 
Even the broken and the contrite heart, our God doesn't forsake. 
He knows all your pains and He sees beyond our imagination. 
Release your heart to Him. I wish I could really help you find hope and strength to move on but please do not let go of God. 
Forgive your ex boyfriend, he's not responsible, the devil was, begin by opening up to your family. 
Let your mum know about this, do not hide this from those who raised you when you were helpless. 
Prepare your mind for any expectations, and please do forgive yourself for your errors. 
My prayers for you is that your womb shall be fruitful and no plots of the enemies shall destroy your destiny in life in Jesus name amen. 
It is well with you even in your tears and pains. 
Please cheer up with God's promises. 
I am sincerely praying for you. 

1 comment:

  1. One thing I am sure is that God will never leave you or forsake you. You were loving the wrong man and the pregnancy made you see him at his worst.Do forgive yourself and forgive him so that you can move on with your life. Miracles still happens!! Wait for one work and go back for scan,if nothing is seen go for D ans C and mourn for your unborn baby. Stress is not good for pregnancy and you went through emotional stress. God will provide a man that loves you. God that knows the end of everything knows why it happened.


Designed by Tunde Sanusi (Tuham)