Tuesday, September 29, 2015

I Feel Hatred and Regret for Him!

Dear Aunty Amara

Good evening, may the good Lord bless you for the way you've been helping people. This is my third time of writing and am still hoping you will help me out.
I have been married for just two years, dated my husband for eight years but now he is a complete stranger to me. He changed after our wedding saying this was the real him.
Troubles started just before we had our child because we were living apart, he made me resign my job to join him and when another work wasn't coming, he refused me learning any handwork, he does not give me up keep money (not even when we were dating).
I saw myself through my nine months pregnancy, paid my hospital bills and took care of our child until the sixth month after delivery. I thought he would change but he never did, he keeps late, drinks a lot, does not go to church again and very abusive.
He sees no reason why he should leave his parents house and he works (cos we live with them) and to crown it up, his mum sees nothing wrong in his life style.
She says I complain too much and waste no time to insult me too. At the moment my family are very angry with the situation, my mum has tried talking to my husband but she got insulted by him.
My husband and I have not been intimate for seven months now we hardly even communicate. I have sat him down on different occasions so we could tallk it out but it always ended up with quarrel and he insulted me with all the things I have confided in him about my past and family. I know am not perfect either cos out of anger I insulted him once.
Now I keep to myself and always inside my room. I feel nothing for him again other than hate and regret, I know God does not like divorce, please I need help for the sake of my child.
It is actually painful and very much annoying that you saw this coming and I guess you were carried away by your sentiments of having dated him for eight years and he's now working perhaps in a better company. 
He was living with his mum but your love for him overshadowed his lack of maturity and vision for his home. 
You knew that he was selfish but you decided to take a gamble of your lifetime and destiny with him and painfully you are the one who suffer it most. 
When you get married to a man who is still breastfeeding from his precious mum and enjoying the comfort of his dad, what you described in your mail becomes the reward for your love and devotion to him and most times you have little or no means of influencing him. 
When God commanded that a man and leave his own mother and father and cleave, he had you in mind but since you felt that you could cope with him and be there for him, I will not be the one to encourage you to leave your husband. 
Though I do not understand the definition of "abusive" in your mail however if he doesn't heat you, then you can manage the situation. 
Humble yourself and quit confronting him especially now that he's living with his mum. There is no way you can have an effective communication with him when he pays more attention to his mother than you and there is no way he will respect and give you money when he surrenders everything to his adorable mummy which is why things have been pretty rocky for you. 
The first thing you must not fail to do is discuss about leaving his family building for your own apartment no matter how little it maybe. 
This is when you have gotten married truly to God not when he is under the roof of his parents. 
Secondly you must discuss the welfare of his child with him and he must learn to give you money for his upkeep and should he refuse to do so, then you may need to consult the welfare department of Police service because he is responsible for your child and he owes his own son the funds to provide for his basic needs. 
While you hope that he provides the needs of your son, you will need to get your hands busy with some skills or jobs that will generate money for your upkeep and that of your son since his promises has nothing to offer you. 
You have to keep pleading and asking for sexual intimacy from your husband because as long as he sleeps with his mum, there's nothing wrong with everything attitude that he displays provided that she receives the funds of  her loving son. 
Your mother cannot do so much as she will be seen as the agents of darkness whose purpose is to destroy your marriage. 
Either way you look at it, it wouldn't be easy especially now that you need the intimacy of your husband more but you will have to endure some of the unpalatable experiences that comes with getting married to such a man. 
I wish I could tell you something else instead of this but I am also feeling your pains too. 
Please spend more time in the place of prayers and continue intercede on his behalf knowing that you are fighting a very sensitive battle for the heart of your marriage. 
I don't pray that your marriage end in pains and agony, however if his attitude is life threatening, then you must not fail to protect yourself first to avoid losing yourself to the sentiments of people's opinions. 
I didn't focus more on his personality flaws because you must have seen some of those and never complained about them and also they are not the most important challenge of your marriage. 
For me, I will congratulate you the moment you and your husband leaves her home for your own apartment for that will be the real beginning of your marriage and intimacy with your husband. 
Until then please endure the challenges of today and entrust everything to God who knows much more than anyone else and who understands what you need to prosper in your marriage. 
Respect his mother and please take good care of your son. 

1 comment:

  1. can't quite place it ,how a woman would date and get married to a man who still lives with his mum,u are d architect of your own problems you are married to a boy,I sincerely believe there is more to your story than what u wrote here ,can u admit and be sincere enough to tell what made u stick with this boy,knowing fully well he can't handle d simple responsibility of providing shelter for a woman who he claims to love?like aunty amara said u need to leave the family how first get a place to call home first even if it means contributing part of d money ,after then you start addressing other issues.


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