Saturday, November 28, 2015

God is This What I Deserve?

Hello Mrs Van-Lare, Good evening madam!
I would want some advice from you please.
Here is my story. I'm a mother of three lovely gifts from God two boys and a girl, aged 9,8 and 6. I got married to their dad who was 11 years older than I do in 2005, a lovely man I must say, his age was never a barrier to me, He was all I wanted in a man.
Our marriage was based on true love which still stands as I speak. When I love I hardly hate I might dislike your character but not hating you as a person. This was where my problem started, before I got married to the father of my lovely children I was based in the United Kingdom but used to know him before I was sent to the UK by my Dad for further studies.
We got talking again in 2003 when he told me he would want to marry me, I was okay with it but my dad was not ok with it, because he wanted me to finish my studies first but because I was so much in love with him I promised my dad that I would carry on with my studies even if I get married to him.
Being the first daughter of my Dad he likes seeing me happy even though it's a hard decision to accept. We got the go ahead from my parents.
That was how we got married then after marriage the topic changed from going back to the UK to carrying on your studies here in Africa which I was okay with that still.
However, my problem was my dad who was not happy with the change of decision and letting him down at the same time. There was nothing he could do at that point, that was when the marriage phrases bell began to ring from left and right, things like if your husband is happy for you to carry on your studies here in Africa you have to obey him, and etc for me it was not a problem at all.
I got pregnant and had my first son in 2006, second son in 2008 and then my daughter in 2009. I was very busy with my child birth degrees (Lol) this was why I'm a proud mum today. What I saw to be love at that point was no longer love anymore. The father of my children was very protective do not want anyone around me not even my only sister, if I tried to go out like going to the market he will call me one thousand times just to know where and what I'm doing even through pregnancy and if I ever missed his calls, oh my God it was hell in the house, despite the fact that I'm a British citizen I hardly travelled.
It was a problem traveling to the UK to give birth. This was the only thing I achieved by threatening to kill myself if I don't have my kids in UK, which after giving birth, he will start ringing the bell for me to come immediately after birth even when I'm not allowed to travel without the baby taking few injections for their age.
At that stage I no longer stored phone numbers on my phone because if he knew you to be talking to me be you female or male he will call to warn you to stop spoiling and deceiving his wife. He will never tell me he spoke to anyone or called anyone, the next thing is removing one digit from the numbers. The only way I would get to know that, was by seeing any of this people in the market, church or the kid's school that's when I will ask him, what was that for? Sometimes he will end up beating me and apologising immediately.
This went as far as hitting me with the African wooden stick use in pounding yam and etc which lead to breaking my head and leg just one week of coming back from the UK. This took three months to heal, for me to be able to drop clutches and walk on my feet again. When all these were happening, my second child was just two months old still breastfeeding from his poor mum who has just came out from child birth pain to broken head and leg pain but I thank God for his life.
At this moment I couldn't open up to my parents, he assured me this would never happened again, which I believed him. Even when people came to visit I and my new baby that has just returned from the UK, I was so ashamed to tell people what has happened to me, I end up telling them I had had an accident on my return to Africa. After all these I forgave him even before my second child turned one year I was already three months pregnant of my daughter.
That was our plans to finish up with child birth. But he never stop hitting me. In that marriage his middle name was honey I'm sorry, you pushed me so far, I love you so much that I can't imagine another man having you. In addition to that, he was a womaniser, he drinks a lot, I have caught him on a several occasions that I have lost count and he will apologise and I will forgive him.
The reason I was kind of stuck to this marriage was because I came from a broken home and my mum kept saying to me please try and endure whatever because if anything happens to your marriage people will say it was in the family.
People he warned me about he has gone to them one after the other asking them out and they are all married women too and they will still tell me what he told them. I was fed up of the marriage with heartbreak not being free to be myself, was ashamed of myself, my self esteem was dead because he took it off me.
What I was going through was too much for me I got tired of praying, even before I opened my mouth to pray I'm full of tears and heart breaks. He goes to work comes back when he wants. Never wanted me to do anything as a person but a full house wife was all he wished for me, I don't go to weddings or children party without him and if he was not going then I and my children are not going. The day I decided to tell myself the truth no matter what people would say, I could see myself dying in this marriage.
He came back late at night asking for lovemaking in a very harsh tone and I would say to him I'm not in the mood, the next thing he would start beating me and saying who have you been in the mood with? Are you giving me or not? Then I will have no choice but to open up.
But on this faithful day he was asking for it as usual which I agreed to, when he was on top of me I was shading tears silently asking God is this what you want for me? He was still on top of me and this was what came out off his mouth, honey I love you so much that I can even kill you, you don't know what I'm going through, I'm trying to control myself.
At this point my whole body was filled with goose pimples I started crying out very loud as if I was killed already he started saying sorry as usual.
That night I made up my mind to run away to the UK with my kids as I and my kids are British citizens which I did three days after calling my siblings in the UK for help to purchase our tickets which they did, I thank God for them.
On getting to the UK I texted every of his family members including him that I have had enough, this was my number should they want to speak to their children.
Since then none of the family members had call to speak with the kids or been to my family and I have refused to call any of them some of them are my Facebook friends till date. I chose not to delete them or block them for a reason.
Four years now, I have been happily looking after my three kids on my own. Their father only started calling just last year December,he only calls to wish them happy birthday, Christmas, Easter and New Years and when ever he calls he doesn't like speaking with his kids for long he would tell them where is your mum?
Tell her I want to speak with her I have told my kids I do not want to speak with your dad for now, because mummy was not in a happy mood with daddy that's what I told my kids and they are happy with that.
Since last week till date he has be sending text messages on my phone saying, you don't want to pick my calls or what? I just want to hear your voice he said in his text, which I never replied till date. Before now he has be sending me abusive massages and etc. Should I change my number or should I leave the number for the children's sake?
What do you think? I need your advice please. Thanks and God bless.

Dear Love, 
My eyes popped out as I read your mail and I genuinely pray that God will reward him for his wickedness to you and your family in Jesus name Amen. 
I can only imagine, I can only imagine and I can only imagine and you stayed with him because of what mortal men will say? 
What if he succeeded in killing you, how then would you have been able to take care of your children? 
Why did you decide to destroy your life in the name of marriage, please is your life worth his wicked heart? 

Thank God that you finally left when you did, if not he would have killed you just because he loves you (what a wicked soul he is) 
Forgive me for being harsh because I don't seem to understand why any individual should threaten to kill another and he's not behind the bars at the moment. 
My suggestion may be harsher than what you are currently doing which was to allow him speak to his children because I would not have encouraged you to have any communication with him let alone having the means to send you any text messages. 
Insecurity, jealousy and low self esteem in men has the potential to snowball into murder if not adequately checked. 
It's not healthy for your husband to be manipulating, monitoring and constantly trailing you as though you don't have a life of your own. 
If he cannot learn to trust you, please do not tolerate the relationship not to talk of marriage. 
Young lady please kneel down everyday and thank God for saving you. Thank God that you thrashed those fables and rescued your life when it was very critical. 
If you don't wish to communicate with him, please don't even read any mail from him and simply limit the communication to his children. 
I pray that God will heal and restore your self esteem, self confidence and personal relationship with God and also help you to improve on your development programme in Jesus name Amen. 

1 comment:

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