Monday, November 23, 2015

My Parents Aren't Comfortable with Him!

Good morning Aunty Amara,I will be 22 by 29th of November but I look bigger and act bigger than my age,currently I'm done with school and I'm working.
I started dating a man of 36 years since last year September and the relationship is over a year and few months now, my fears are I have never been to his house for once.
Whenever I talk about it he keeps saying the mum is around and due to the fact that she's a deeper life lady she doesn't want to see a lady in the house till after wedding, though he invited me to the house once but that was one week after we met but I didn't go.
He's so protective,I no longer have myself, first I thought it was love but I'm beginning to think a lot about it,he picks me from work on Saturdays, takes me home, stays with me till my parents are back. Then on Sundays he picks me from church takes me home and leave in the evening with that, I can't even hang out or have any other relationship,I have been very faithful to him for the past one year plus.
Aunty Amara what bothers me is that his phones are on security lock,I don't have access to it but mine is not he hardly saves names on his phone. I have not even met with his mum or siblings only two of his cousins but he knows my parents ,siblings,cousins and friends.
My parents have been asking if I know his house and if I have met with his mum cos his father is ill in the states,I told my parents yes I have been to the house but have not met with the mum,but they keep asking,I can't tell them the truth cos they will not understand.
They no longer feel comfortable that he comes to the house every weekend and yet hasn't declared his intentions. Last month we had issues which made me say to him "I'm done with the relationship" he pleaded and reassured me of his love for me that he will take me to his house on my birthday and propose to me there.
I have been to some places for prayers where some pastors said he's the one,some said his mum is the problem,that she doesn't like me but she has not seen me.
Recently a pastor told me that he is very cunning that I should let him go that God is bringing a genuine person for me soon. Last year December, I travelled with him to his town but he didn't take me to his village his excuse was that his previous relationship for five years was so exposed and it still didn't work and that his villagers are bad people he wouldn't want them to use charm in the relationship so we lodged in a hotel in town for five days before returning to my base but he went to his village twice for a meeting but didn't stay long.
I have confronted his on many occassions that he's married but he insisted he's not that what if at the end of the day I find out he's not married and doesn't have kids anywhere what will I do,that I should stop telling people about our relationship issues,even my parents are scared that the age differences is much and he might maltreat me tomorrow in the marriage.
I'm so confused ,I don't know if I'm about to make the biggest mistake of my life or I should take a walk though it won't be easy because I have no other relationship elsewhere and I devoted my time,care,gifts and everything into this.
Also he doesn't smoke,drink or party and that gets me worried cos he's not a too spiritual man, I don't do any of that too but I heard a man that doesn't do any of that might be a big womaniser.
Aunty I need your help cos I'm going crazy can't even stand the shame of break up because we are so close that my church ,friends and where I live are expecting our marriage cards even most people think we're married. Please I need your advice and that of your team. Thanks and God bless.

Please I forgot this ,I spoke to the sister over the phone during my visit to his town last year and ever since then I have been asking him to give me her number and that of the younger sister which he has refused to. He refused to tell me his salary,saying he will tell me on our wedding night but he knows mine and knows everything I do.

You said that this young boy sorry man is 36 and if he's missing today, you can't even identify him nor tell where he could be and yet you are in love with him? 
You don't know where he lives nor have any idea of what his family looks like but he lays hostage in your room as though he has paid your dowry. 
You are an open book but you can't even tell whether his personality or identity and painfully you are also feeding your parents with lies. 
As far as I can tell from your mail, you are dating a mystery man who is bent on destroying your life and you have no idea the consequences of getting married to the wrong man. 
You are worried about the opinions of your church members and friends because they already thought that you were married to him but my love, have you thought of getting married to a married man? Have you also thought about those who were killed by their own husbands in the name of love? Have you also thought about those who divorced their husbands because of dubious attitudes and horrible character to their wives? 
You are threading on a gun powder but painfully you are smiling with hope to enjoy life with him. 
If you don't know a jack about the man who has been with you for over a year, please what have you two been discussing every day of the relationship, sex and romance? 
If you have not seen the mother of a 36 years old boy, then what really is he proposing to you about? 
Well to be candid with you, I'm as worried as your parents are not because of his age though but because I cannot tell what his identity or personality is like, from his village to the city. 
I cannot tell who his sisters or brothers yet someone is here telling me how she can't live without him. 
These kinds of mystery men are either married or have a very dirty lifestyle either as cultists or something close to that but will this feelings you call love depart from your ignorant eyes? That I can't tell however I will encourage you to please make proper investigation into the man who is planning to propose to you in some days time which I guess is all you wish to receive from him and find out who he is, who his mother is, where they live and any other vital information about his personality. 
Kindly tell your parents the truth because unto God you owe them the truth. 
No parent desires that their daughter remains at home with them but the concern of every parent is the safety and the happiness of their daughter when they marry the man of their dreams. 
Also encourage him to give you some space, go back to your home on public transport and request for some time for you to access his personality and examine this relationship without any sentiments. 
You have the right to know about the man coming for your hands in marriage, it's not a privilege because marriage is a lifetime commitment where your Spirit, and Soul and your Body is involved with and as such cannot continue with a mysterious nice man to avoid the shock or the revelations of his own personality perhaps when you may not have the freedom to bid him goodbye. 
Apart from that, I don't think that the rest of your worries have any significance because not every man who is gentle that womanise nor can we say that because his phone is on password that he's evil.
But the real issue is that you don't even know whether his name is truly what he told you nor can you tell me what his personal relationship with God looks like not to talk of his attitude to finance and others. 
Marriage is not a cinema where you book your ticket for a movie, it's beyond the movie time ticket and it's impact is for a lifetime. 
You are responsible for the choice of partner you end up with and the outcome of your wedding day vows. 
Seek the face of God and allow him to reveal the true identity of this man. 
I would suggest that you pause anything that will make him have a grip on you and take some time to figure out what he's not telling you about himself before making up your mind to live with him for the rest of your life. 


  1. you have not been to his house
    you have not met any member of his family
    and you have dated him for a year
    he is 36 years old
    he knows everything about you and you know nothing about him
    well.... i dont want to be tooo conclusive but everything you say here points to the fact that he is married. my dear you rily have to be strong and get an answer or you let go of him
    if he doesnt want you to go to his house, you investigate and find it yourself. visit him at his house and make sure you did not just waste a year of your precious life with a married man.
    confront him on his all matters that you should know about and if he doesnt and insist that you get answers... cos if you are his main girl and not just a side chick, you will have access to a lot of things in his life.... its not an option, its your right. so stop feeling intimidated and playing on the safe side just not to annoy him. let him get annoyed if he wants and if he goes, then good riddance to bad rubbish, you dust yourself up and continue with your life... time is too precious to waste it on time wasters...
    i have been in your shoes before thats why am saying this and the idiot ended up being married.... i got tired of all the excuses and i did something about the situation... if not i wouldnt have known
    My dear, dont just sit there and swallow the excuses, do something about your situation.. if its not meant to be, then its not meant to be, somebody better will come along

  2. Dear poster..
    This is a two-source problem..
    He is not open to you and you can't stand a breakup because of what friends will say..
    In other words, you probably came here to just pour out your heart for consolation and encouragement to continue and not necessarily to hear the truth cos your mind is made up to stick with the "ghost" you're dating..
    Well..there's not much to be said on have seen the are not pleased with what you see..the choice is entirely yours to make..
    It's either you feel the temporal pains of taking a walk and save yourself or you accept the consequences of associating with a "Ghost"....Au revoir

  3. I'm really glad that you are still pretty Young. Pls don't waste your precious years with a man you can't do kele kele love oo.ders much he's nt telling u.breaking up with him based on suspicions may not b easy as you may think ur mind is just playing games with I suggest that you secretly follow him one of this days or have someone follow him so u can find out for urself where he lives.once u can get to his home...all ur questions will b answered. Love is not blind oo, e get ur eyes.

  4. Young Lady,
    Aside the fact that this man may be married i feel he is too old for u, i also wonder what he as been doing all dis years if his not married which i doubt but the problem is that you are blinded by love to see beyond your nose, any man who can do all you have said to a lady he claims to love is capable of killing you.
    Please end the relationship and run far from him because his out to destroy your life and that will do you no good.
    You still pretty young so go back to you maker and talk to Him, i believe that he will bring your mister right who will love and respect you and also not be secretive.
    But if you go ahead to marry this man i can assure you 99.99% that you will regret it all the days of you life.
    Please be wise.

  5. Baby girl from your story your man is simply A GHOST. PLEASE RUN FOR YOUR DDEAR LIFE.


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