Saturday, November 14, 2015

Should I Settle Down with Him?

Good day ma'am. It really took me a long time before I decided to post this to you. If you could recall, I sent you a post few months back about my ex who wanted me back and I was dating someone else already.
From the responses I got, most people asked me not to go back, some said I should know his reason for leaving in the first place before giving him a second chance.
You said if I'm to go back to him, let it be that he is going to marry me and not to leave me again. I asked why he left and he said because I was cheating on him; which I never did.
He believed that been close to the opposite sex means we have something going on.
Some asked me to stay with my current boyfriend then, but I got to find out he was dating other girls aside me. He never wanted people that knew his family except his friends to know we were dating, so I left him and went back with my ex.
Since we got back, he has been bothering me that he wants to come and pay my dowry by December but I refused.
Reason being that I've not gotten admission and I don't want marriage to tie me down cos I'm the eldest and I have my younger ones to look out for and also help out my mum.
Though he wants me to learn a skill before gaining admission. I'll love that too. But my priority is to be educated. I want to be a Medical Laboratory Scientist and own my own lab. That has been my dream and I'm scared if marriage would tie me down.
The challenges I have concerning my man is that he has a bad tongue. He says words that hurts me too much.
I keep wondering if this was a general features of men. He doesn't like taking blames for mistakes but always likes making me the guilty one. I really don't know how possible this is but he gets to know each new contact on my phone and people I call and people who calls me.
We don't stay together for him to go through my phone before he knows and the worst is even my school friends back in secondary school he thinks I'm dating them even my teachers.
I'm someone that likes being friends with the opposite sex cos I feel comfortable with them. I don't date them . He goes as far as knowing their names, where they live and what they do for a living. I don't tell him those things.
He has female friends too and I see nothing wrong with it so far its nothing but a genuine friendship. I don't like his church too and he knows that. I told him i can't attend his church if we get married that I'll go to mine and he will go to his if we can't both attend any other church and he accepted.
Do you think that it's really possible or he accepted just because he wants us to get married?
I don't like his dress sense either but I want you to advice me of a way to tell him to dress smart without him feeling offended.
I just want to know if its advisable to settle down with him with all these staring at my face and to know if those characters will pose a huge threat in the future. I know nobody is perfect but I don't want to make a mistake.
I told him to wait till next year before coming to see my people and he has accepted.
I need your motherly advice please and I'm sure you'll tell me the truth even if its going to hurt and if I'm at fault.
Great people in the house please help out a sister in need.
I'll really appreciate your advice. Insults are allowed too.
Thanks in advance...
Sorry ma, I forgot to add to my post that I'm not madly in love with him like before . Do you think that old flame could rekindle? Thanks.

Though I couldn't recall your earlier message, I will suggest that you discover yourself first before venturing into any relationship. 
It will greatly help you in your decision making, in understanding life and purposeful living and guide you through the rough patches of life. 
This is because once you have entered into a relationship, your views, vision and suggestions will have an influence on your relationship and your partner. 
He may not accept them and he may not tell you his opinion or decision until he has achieved his own ambition. 
Just like you, he has his own plans and visions for himself so if he doesn't share with your desire to be a medical laboratory scientist and you can't sacrifice your vision for marriage, there is no way you can prosper in your relationship or even be happy with yourself because you will be feeling cheated and you may struggle with him more than you thought you should. A man may agree to jump into fire and get your teddy bears without any smoke as long as he's not married to you yet but once he has paid your dowry and possibly wedded you at the alter, you will not only learn to jump through the fire but will also learn how to swim the ocean to get his food ready while making love to him. 
What I'm saying is simple, the moment you agree to get married to him, his decision stands and your only option will be to submit and submit and submit unless perhaps in a situation where you got married to your companion and friend and not a boss. 
Everyone has one flaws or the other but the manner of approach and the teachability of an individual determines to a large how much your influence and sacrifice will be of help to him. 
You may start by getting the kind of dress you would love him to wear and kindly suggest some clothes that you feel will fit him more than the others. 
However there are some flaws that has negative impact on your emotions and psychology which shouldn't be ignored for any reason. 
If your partner doesn't trust in your faithfulness and personality as an individual, how do you hope that he will trust you if perhaps you are in school studying and you have male friends? How will you explain every call or message that comes into your phone. 
These are areas you must not ignore because it may never leave him even when you are under his roof. 
Seek the face of God and consider what's most important for you at this moment. 
While I wouldn't say that marriage destroys the vision of an individual, it's a known fact that getting married to an individual who doesn't share in your vision will simply lead to the death of such a vision and reduce you to a house wife. 
In all, your decision is your responsibility, please do not be in a haste to venture into what you are not comfortable or convinced of to avoid regrets and disappointments much later in life. 

1 comment:

  1. When you posted a few months ago, I also posted my comment telling you not to go back to your Ex.
    Am a man and i must tell u the truth, from your post i can tell that you are still very young and a relationship should not be you number one priority for now, when a man cant trust you in a relationship he can never trust you when you get married to him.
    please do not allow him mess around with you in the name of marriage and wanting to come see you people, because the moment you agree to his proposal, that will be the end of your dreams and vision.
    God created a woman to be a help mate and not a slave, if a man can not set his woman free how on earth does he want her to help him with the potentials God has deposited in her. I find it herd to stomach that a man who clams to love you will enslave the way he does.
    My dear please focus on a skill while you wait for your admission into the university and forget about any relationship for now.
    God bless you and see you through. Amen


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