Sunday, December 13, 2015

I Practically Beg Her for Sex!

I got married three years ago, in my early 30's practically as a virgin. I am not a girl/woman person and the lady I married was my first ever relationship. Prior to marriage I encountered at least a couple of girls who 'gave' themselves to me for sexual relations. But I couldn't bring myself to carry on with it, partly because of my conscience and my faith (I am not impotent) I did have strong sexual urges.

All along, I had hoped that the woman I would marry would be a virgin or at least be as sexually unadventurous as I was. All the lady acquaintances (about four) that I thought were decent and would fit into that category and asked out didn't agree to a relationship with me (one that would've declined on genotype grounds which I fully supported).

Eventually I met the lady who is currently my wife in the university department where I am a senior research student. She was an MSc student at the time and at least two sets junior to me.
Initially I wasn't interested in her, moreso that she was close to one guy(also my junior) and I assumed they were dating. Later one of my mates who happened to know her because they attended the same secondary school, and was also a friend to the guy I thought they were dating told me they were not dating (eventually I found out he was wrong, and that they dated and had a sexual relationship but not until after I was in a relationship with her).

Based on what my classmate told me, I decided to ask her for a relationship, after a few months she agreed (she was still dating the other guy while keeping me on hold). After she gave me her consent, I told her that I wanted to marry her, that I was not in for girlfriend/­boyfriend. I told her about myself generally. She told me about herself, she said she wasn't a virgin, that she has aborted once. I didn't like it, but being my first relationship I decided that love covers all things.

Later, I discovered that she had several abortions, and that she was still communicating with her boyfriends (she saw nothing wrong in it as long as she later told me about it). She was still visiting the junior guy in my department she was dating while we had a relationship and even called me from his house at a time. I discovered that she co-habited with a muslim guy almost throughout her undergraduate days (she attended a different University then), the guy was responsible for her first pregnancy which her parents assisted her to abort, and several other pregnancies she aborted.

She was still also communicating with the guy, and the guy also registered for a PG programme in our dept, and in fact I met them together at the department one day when I was coming back from my office.
Prior to getting there I had called her and she told me she was with her boyfriend, I thought she was joking. I met them together and after the guy left that day, she told me he was the guy they used to cohabit when she was an undergraduate that used to beat her and that got her pregnant and made her abort same several times. I was angry but calm. I never expected a lady in a serious relationship to be entertaining those who used her as a sex toy.

All these while our wedding preparations were ongoing because we married within six months of my starting a relationship with her. Her parents rushed everything. I trusted my parents for guidance but from hindsight I believe they didn't guide me excellently, I should have called of the relationship or at least the wedding should have been delayed to sort out issues.

While we were dating, she was also communicating with her NYSC boyfriends (with who she had also been sexually engaged). She could be likened to a part-time prostitute, I wasn't fully aware of this fact until after we were married. However, I told her that she would discontinue using the gsm line she had at the time after we got married. She didn't object. I bought a new line for her and phone.

The guy she cohabited with called her a few days to our wedding to accuse her of not informing him that she was getting married (I had told her not to inform any ex, but she still went ahead and did, I think one of them even offered to send her money) they spoke on phone and later when I called her that day she informed me and I was angry, she started crying. Probably, I should have ended the relationship, but I thought about the preparaions that had been made and I was naïve.

The boyfriends continued to call her after we got married and she continued to answer their calls, one called one day when I was at home and she was asking me whether she should answer it. She has refused to discontinue using the line they called her on, she gave several excuses like it was the number she got alerts on etc.

I didn't want to do anything drastic like destroying the sim. She has stopped telling me whether they call her or not, but I know how guys reason, as long as that number is reachable, they will continue to call from time to time. And I am almost certain that if she were to have some privacy with any of those guys, especially the muslim guy she cohabited with today, they would have sex with her.

I am surprised as to why she did not develop dislike for any of those boyfriends. Even the girl I asked out who declined on genotype grounds, that I did not have anything sexual with gave me a dressing down one day when I called her in the evening and told me to never call her again as she was married. But my own is not like that.

I remember before we got married, it was suggested we go for deliverance prayers. I suggested it to her but she refused.

I also discovered after marriage that my research supervisor had also made advances to her and almost had sex with her (bar penetration). I still see the my junior she dated in the department, most times when I am in the department. These things don't make me happy.

Another issue is that, I practically beg her before we have sex, and she rarely participates when we do. It's like she is spent sexually from her several pre-marital relationships. I have a lot of sexual fantasies that I hoped I'll fulfil in marriage, many of them are still unfulfilled.

Did I make a mistake by being sexually naïve before marriage? Or by going ahead to marry her by assuming love covers all, when I saw red flags? (NB. I wasn't desperate to get married)

Phew, quite a complex one and was made worse by your lack of communication and friendship between you and your partner during the dating and the courtship period of your life. 
Every one had a past that they are not proud of but a lady who have deliberately decided not to discipline herself and put in check her relationship with the ex and some frivolous friendship truly shouldn't be married to any man because she will make the man to work much more than he should have. 
We have to begin with dating your wife though late but not impossible for you to give it a try. 
Before you start dating your wife, it will be wise for you and her to come to a compromise on some very serious and sensitive issues so that she can decide whether she want to stay married or wishes to return to her ex boyfriends. 
One of those issues that must be deliberated on is his phone number. That must be thrashed and junked with all her ex details and none of them should for any reason have any relationship with her no matter the purpose or the intentions. 
She is someone's wife and as a result must learn to respect the emotions of her husband. 
Secondly she must agree to selflessly devote her body for sexual intimacy in your marriage and should be willing to give her heart to lovemaking with you her husband. 
You should not be shy to express your fantasies and allow her to suggest how best such fantasies will be and be able to arrive at a compromise that will suit you and her. 
That she has been sexually active doesn't mean that she cannot meet your sexual needs in your marriage, it could either be that she is yet to give her heart to you totally but got married out of desperation and your nativity. 
Now that you have realised the vacuum in your marriage, she has to decide whether to give her heart to you or to liberate herself and allow you to at least have the peace of mind. 
Thirdly, she must be willing to work with you as her husband spiritually, psychologically and emotionally so that both of you can learn to work together and have a better relationship with each other that is if her heart is with you in this journey. 
I won't blame you for your nativity but I wished that those whom you trusted did a better job than pushing you into marriage to a lady you barely knew her personality, perception and her attitude to life, sex and marriage. 
You don't need to be sexually powerful for you to enjoy your marriage because every sexual encounter differ from one individual to another. 
Now that you have realised that you are yet to be one with your partner, take your time to communicate with her, care for her and allow her to open up to you about what she likes and what she doesn't cherish in life. 
Get her some gifts and shower her with affections as much as you can. 
Listen more and talk less. Please do not let her attitude make you violent or push you into cheating or taking a decision that you will regret later in life. 
Learn how to communicate with her body, the beauty of foreplay(Read More) , the art of kissing and romance. 
Do not pump too much that you make her feel used and not loved(Click Here) but be gentle, rhythmic and full of passion to unlock the wild fantasies in her. 
Open up to your secrete fantasies and find out her views and state of mind about that, it will greatly enhance your bonding process and help her to appreciate you more and more. 
Now is the best time to rebuild your intimacy with your wife and allow God to prosper your marriage. 
Please do not treat her as a prostitute or tag her with such a name, you will be invoking the spirit of prostitution into her.
She was a wayward lady but today she has become your beautiful wife and the mother of your lovely children, now is the time to help her realise how precious and lovely she is to God and to you and not otherwise. 
You will need to do a lot of praying and fasting for your wife and cry unto heavens that God will draw her to himself and open her eyes to understand how the devil is plotting to destroy her home. 
It may tarry but I know that with effective prayers, selfless devotion and patience your wife will be the most treasured part of your journey in Jesus name Amen. 


  1. Dear,
    1. You need to accept responsibility for your choices. It is your choice,not your parents'. THIS IS 21st CENTURY - an era of very fast changes,and also,an era of abundance of knowledge. You chose to leave your marital destiny to chances. So,deal with it,and make the most of it.
    2. I AM ALSO A VIRGIN like you were,but you cannot tag me ignorant when it comes to knowing the truth about sex,relationship,marriage,etc. That is the beauty of this era. God has made His wisdom available to whoever cares for it. Ignore it at your own peril.
    3. Virginity,and sexual purity are not automatic tickets to marital success - they are part of the FOUNDATION. When they are in place,it makes building easier,but part of the foundation is not all there is building a masterpiece - you will still need to complete the foundation,install your pillars and walls(they call it 'sub-structure'),put your roofing,decoration,furnishing,etc.,all the while,paying careful attention to the kind of materials you allow to be used. As it is in house-building,so it is marriage-building. GO AND LEARN. #qdDOWNLOAD
    Learn more@ ‪#Quick‬Downloads™101

  2. 4. From your story, 4 main issues stand out -
    a. Soulties
    b. Fatherlessness
    c. Lack of Communication
    d. Lack of Remorse,and/or Unwillingness to seek/accept help.
    I will suggest in addition to Aunty Amara,you go read up on the works of:
    i. SOLA ADIO
    iii. SAM OYE
    viii. NANCY VAN PELT

    .......You can reach out to them on how best to help your wife,as well as get the following:
    a. The Dignity of Manhood, by Gbile Akanni
    b. The Fatherhood Principle, by Myles Munroe
    c. Fatherlessness, by Sam Oye.

    Sorry for the long lists,that's if you are not familiar with them before now.

  3. Recommended FREE DOWNLOADS(for Married Couples):

    1. 101 Hot Sex Positions, by Tracey Cox
    2. The Complete Idiot's Guide To Amazing Sex,by Sari Locker
    3. Kamasutra for 21st Century Lovers,by Anne Hooper
    4. 269 Sex Tips and Tricks for Her,by Anne Hooper
    5. Great Sex Games,by Anne Hooper
    6. Ultimate Erotic Massage,by Kavida Rei
    7. Erotic Massage: The Tantric Touch of Love,by Kenneth Ray Stubbs
    8. Why Men Don't Listen,and Women Can't Read Maps,by Allan/Barbara Pease
    9. The Purpose and Power of Love and Marriage,by Myles Munroe #QuickDownloads™101

    DOWNLOAD FREE with the Quick Downloads 101 download manual/website@ #qdSEX

    (For more,call/sms/Whatsapp *234- 07062456233 (UCHE) )


Designed by Tunde Sanusi (Tuham)