Friday, January 8, 2016

Nine Years of Darkness (From a Fan)

Is my beauty my curse? I have found myself lately wondering whether my beauty is the root of all the bad luck I have with man. Since I was a little girl I have attracted the eyes of many, and I do till this day. I know, I am a very beautiful and attractive African woman, and I am starting to hate that, because I feel it only attracts man that like how I look and not by what I truly am. And believe me, I am not the type that goes out naked, I have a lot of self respect for my body as the divine temple of the holy spirit.I know that beauty is inside not out, and I try to be a virtuous woman.Yet I am starting to sense man come after me for my pretty face. And I cry to God because this is not what I asked God for,  I didn't ask God for beauty,it was given to me, Yet what I ask God I am not seeing him answer. I always asked God for one great man, like my Dad or better, too whom I could share my life with till the end of my days. But not one relationship I have tried since the age of 17, were I had my first love, I not remember myself being dangerously hurt. Doesn't matter how much I try to be the best person I can be, always giving my best to everyone and trying to understand others, help others, seek the best in every person and situation and be a great friend,and even sharing the experiences  I have had with God and trying to take man to church with me , not one man I have met all my life doesn't do does 3 things “ Cheat on me, Leave me for another, get married to them, get them pregnant, I have been left twice and they actually married that other lady. I am talking about single man here. Or they strongly pursued in the beginning to have to watch  the man suddenly withdraws and disappear ,reject me and another was emotional abusive, jealous  trying to always make me feel guilty like I was worth nothing. Today I am 25, and not one single relationship I tried since the age of 17 I have not ended up being dangerously hurt. I think the problem is because I use to see people like I see myself. As great humans being, always expecting the best in people, but I realize now this world is not for good people. Good woman. I use to see beauty in everyone till now. And I am done now. I am an African Woman, the oldest of 7 kids, grew up in a devoted catholic family, had to start working very early to help my family through a lot of financial straggle and hardship. Life has never been easy to parents have been married for 25 years and both serve the lord. Now days I been finding myself envying my mother for finding such a great husband. I am not trying to paint things here to make it look good. My father is indeed a man of God, great father and great husband and that’s what I been looking for since I remember myself as a person. She is so blessed and I envy her. I don't see many great man out there. It seems they only care about themselves and are very selfish.I see so many woman happy in relationships and I never had a single one I can happily remember. I think this is what led me into desperation without realizing . After dating those 5 men in the past 9 years that were single and within my age group I decided to start looking for my happy ever after in older man .After 9 years dating young man like me and being hurt every single time I decided to give a shot to something different. All in hopes to finding a great husband before the age of 30. I dated a 40 years old divorced man and it was better than the past relationships I had, I think he help me boost my self-steam. I was completely broken before I met him, and the relationship was healthy but he was too old so it didn't work. This summer was the pitfall, I mate a younger man he was 35 years old, successful, charming, and very charismatic, “ The movie start type” that was giving me all the attention and love, admiration and appreciation, support , the list goes on. He was just there for me 100 percent and was coming very strong to me, pursuing me and making me feel like a Queen, like I never felt before and it seemed I had finally found the one. Our personalities clicked . He gave me the best 3 months of my life, I was living a dream. I felt stronger, more beautiful, and confident for the first time in years. Yet this one, the best man I have met so far, the one that treated me the best was an African who unfortunately for me happened to be married to a Canadian woman. WHY ? I ask my self again what I did wrong to be so unlucky. Why did the best man that come my way had to be married with one kid. I tried too resist him so much even went to talk to the priest in my community, to get advise but my soul was too weak, even though I prayed and asked God to help me see things through his eyes I was deceived, I did fall into this trap, and temptation. I felt madly in love with a married man. I know as a christian I should not have allow my self to commit adultery but It was stronger than me, plus he was the one pursuing me I never wanted anything to do with this , but how could I run away from him? How could I resist him? I wasn't strong enough. plus he lived in a different country from his wife due to his work assignment, he had to come back to Africa.she tried to live in Africa but he told me she was not adapting well and went back to Canada with the kid because Africa was too rough for her. they been in this relationship like that for the past 4 years and he told me the relationship is dieing, and they have a  lot of cultural shocks, and I believed him. He told me he wanted to divorce but he only needed me to give him some time to settle things with his wife and since they were not married in Church I though probably I had a chance with him. And I stayed with him for 4 happily months till he was assigned back to USA after 6 years in Africa and started  to back up on everything he promised me he would do. His wife moved now to USA and they are living together. So I ended things with him because I can not stand share him or any other man.Plus he also ended things asking me to forgive himself, that he didn't mean to hurt me but that now he was confused, he felt like he should give a second chance to his marriage now that he had the opportunity to go to USA and he could start things over with her and see if its going to work this time  even though he wasn't so sure. he asked me to be friends with him and get over everything we lived, that I was too precious and he doesn't want to lose me as a friend. I am once again heart broken and asking why? I love him and I am backing off because I want him happy, and I am ready to sacrifice my own feelings, and look over them. Right now he disappeared from  my life and I think is health and better for all of us . Because there is no way I can be friends with him yet since I am still in love and broken.But I am seeking answer. today I am starting to think God allowed me to fall so that I could find him. Because all my life I been looking for man to feel the emptiness I felt in me, I wasn't consciously aware of that, I was giving opportunity to the wrong people, all because I wanted things done my way, and on my time. I believed in God but deep inside I still didn't trust him as my one and only. And I guess because of that he have not introduced me to my husband. I wasn't prepared, I am still not prepared, I am a work in process but at least now I am aware that I was seeking love in the wrong places. But still I am afraid for being beautiful because now I am scared of every man that shows up, I think they all want something from me. They all did.

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