Monday, February 8, 2016

Did I Make the Right Decision?

Good morning ma. May the good Lord keep on strengthening you throughout this sad moment. May the soul of your dad rest in God's bosom. Please ma ,what can be done to a husband that cheats, active in dating sites on the net , abuses me , insults me before his friends even when am there .
Runs away from home each time we have little misunderstandings, tell his friends and coworkers everything that is going on in our matrimonial home . Calls me all sort of names and even telling me that he will scandalise me . Telling me am evil, the cause of his downfall, am useless etc etc .
He will even call his family in Nigeria to tell them he's the one doing everything for my kids and I because we have two boys. Am based in Germany with him . Am not a Nigerian but he's an Igbo man. Am from Cameroon, 29 years old and he's 41 years old .
Ma , God knows how I've been helping my husband financially and other ways . I've known my husband for seven years but there wasn't a day I asked of a kobo from him. I still don't complain cos I know his financial  status . I was very independent and hardworking when I knew my husband. I was living alone, took care of my bills. We've been married for three years now but ma, I've never known the joy , peace and love for marriage. My husband doesn't have any atom of respect towards me. This is a man I've sponsored his vacation to Nigeria twice and even contributed to his business.
When he will see that his business has started going well , he will do something which I don't like so that I will nag and he will use the opportunity to leave the house. He has left the house not less than twelve times to stay out .
He doesn't care about my feelings even the kids. I practically do everything for my children . He works from Mondays to Sundays meanwhile, his weekend works are not compulsory but he will still work. No time for us . From Mon-Fr the earliest hour I can see my husband home is by 10pm meanwhile his work closes by 5pm .
This has been going on for years and when I tried pleading with him to just take even Sundays off so that the kids can also have time with him but he refused. Ma, am the one doing everything at home and when I tried complaining, he will tell me am just having two kids what about those who have three or four ?? I gave birth through C - section with all my kids .
My husband will be asking me for money as if am working. Even when he wants to do something for us , he will want that I contribute too even to the kids birthday gifts. My husband can stay a month without having sex with me until I will beg him to make love to me . God bare me witness, I've never cheated or even considered to cheat on my husband.
Am a Christian by faith and I've vowed despite the situation I will never cheat on him unless we are legally divorced not even with the one year separation before the divorce cos that's the law here in Germany. I love my husband sincerely and he knows that very well. Sometimes, he will boldly tell me that I can't live without him that no man can take a lady with two kids .
I've always been afraid to live alone and as a single mum . But I have no other option than to be strong for myself. He will be comparing me with his other friends wives who are whites , that they have built houses for their husband, given them money etc. Ma, am an African despite the fact my whole family are here with my mum too, I've tried my best in terms of finances to help my husband. Despite all , he will still complain. My sisters told me to stop giving him money that I can't buy love with money, he doesn't love you !!!
In terms of Hygiene, my husband is zero. I've tried to teach him many things but to no avail. He was doing them when we were dating but as we got married and I moved to him , he doesn't want to listen anymore. I will buy him everything from clothes , shoes , boxers , deodorant in fact everything but he's not satisfied. I will tell him everyday to put a roll on after shower , to change his socks cos I do always change his pyjamas and towels all the time. I will teach him how to brush properly cos each time he brushes his mouth , within an hour the odour from his mouth will be terrible . Not that he has mouth odour but it's because he doesn't brush his tongue . His finger nails will be soo dirty and I will beg him to trim them.
I was doing all that before from his nails to toes but Ma , now with two kids and with no help I can't cos my mum stays far from me she comes around but not often . My husband will urinate in the bathroom sink in fact doing soo many disgusting things that will not even make a woman to have the urge for sex . He did that once and I warned him never to repeat that again. He can cook and won't shower and want to come and lay on the bed . I will tell him to go and shower or sleep in the guest room. I HATE DIRTINESS WITH PASSION!!
I will be spending on my body to look and perceive good just for him to just be reluctantly doing his dirt. Am tired, it's soo irritating. I don't know if it's because he didn't go to school because am fed up . We are living separately at the moment because of his less interest towards us .

Please ma, advice me on this. Have I made the right decision by separating from him ? Lest not forget, I've prayed, talks to elderly church members. But I know he's taking advantage of me because he knows I soo much love him . Am not an ugly lady and my husband is also a fine man. I've been enduring all his humiliation because of my kids but am confused now cos it keeps repeating itself. I just want to focus on my kids now and use Exodus 14:14 and Psalms 46:10 in Faith .

From your mail I realised that you have three kids, while two of them were given birth to by you, you inherited the third out of love or should I say marriage. 
It's painful and humiliating reading all you had to endure to be with this boy in a man's clothing and it's even worrisome that at 41 he's not in anyway close to becoming a man and should I tell you something,you contributed in making him an irresponsible man because you were in love with his fine face and then decided to be a man while he became a nagging and selfish husband. 
Well you have taken the right step by seeking for some time to examine your marriage and think on how this can work that is if he'll ever grow up because it seems to me that he may not be growing up pretty soon. 
Good news is that women with four children and more have gotten married to wonderful husbands and they have been enjoying their marriage so anyone who makes you feel that your having children is a limitation is at best childish and myopic. 
In as much as your role in your marriage and the responsibilities may indirectly have a negative impact on how you relate with your husband and may make you disrespect him even when you do not have the intention to do so but for your marriage to work, your husband must rise up to his responsibilities and devote his time to you and your children if he hopes to enjoy the dividends of a prosperous marriage. 
He needs to be counselled because enduring such a man maybe suicidal to your emotional stability and your spiritual life. 
While you are on this break, please book for a counselling session for your husband and you so that you and your husband can discuss this marriage and find out if he's really ready for marriage or he's choked up by his age and has conveniently decided to hide under your apron while you cut his nails and brush his teeth. 
You are the best person who can decide on what's best for you at this point in your marriage because no matter the opinions of others, you feel the heat and you can tell if you can endure the pressure. 
Pray for him and also organise yourself for your children while you work out ways of reconciling with him that is if he's willing to be a man. You must not be spoon feeding your husband or decide to carry his burden, things must be done by two of you and if he's not willing to consider working with you then you may need to reconsider whether you can cope with such conditions. 
I pray that God will give you the grace because I have no idea what that man had in mind when he got married to you. 

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