Thursday, February 11, 2016

How Do I Leave Him?

Good day ma, am so happy for the way you handle relationship issues, may God continue to strengthen you.
Ma, am 28 years of age, four years in marriage without any child yet.
I married my husband without dating him, my parents and relations stood against the marriage without reason, it was recently that my people told me that my family doesn't marry from their area because of the problem we had with them, which started from our grand parents because of that they refused to collect dowry.
We still got married but immediately after that, three days later problem started, he starves me but will eat outside, I loved him so much that I don't challenge his word or complain rather I eat at my friend's place and sometimes at his friend's as well, they talked to him till they got tired.
The first day I tried to question him, I got five hot slaps which resulted to HBP for some days. He calls me all sorts of names like devil incarnate, cause of his downfall, that I married him to kill him.
He tells people and his friends that he wants me to go back to my parents which he normally tells me like every three to four months.
He told his people that am the cause of our childlessness but this man has Oligospermia and his blood culture reads Staph Areus, his sexual life is zero, each time we have sex I must have bruises due to lack of romance but I kept bearing it till last year.
I went out and started looking for a job which I got but he insisted I must stop which I refused that's when I started been stubborn.
During this process I got a friend (male), who I explained my predicament to, from been friends it led to my cheating on him, I know it's wrong but that was my first time of knowing what true sex was since I got married.
After some time I discarded this my friend, then November last year he asked me to go as usual, I told him to have patience till last December.
Then in December, I packed to go he begged me and said he will change but I still want to go due to what I did and again the child issue cos he believes he's okay.
Now he is trying to be a good husband but there is no love in me left for him again. Am not in a good relationship with his family no matter how hard I try to work each time we travel I still remain a bad woman, to the extent his mum keep telling people how I brought downfall on his son, between my family and his, there is no relationship at all. My people keep telling me to come home.
Ma, am so confused right now, but I really want to go but am still thinking how to start, please help me.
Thank you so much.

Marriage is not a bed of roses but one thing that is certain is that if you and your partner decides within your heart to give your heart to your marriage, you can overcome the circumstances and challenges that may confront you in your marital journey. 
I understand that you have experienced so much in the hands of your husband but one thing I discerned from your mail was that you were deeply in love with your husband to have decided to marry him even though your family was against your decision. 
I feel that there must have been some qualities or attributes that attracted you to him which made you to stand with him and agreed to grow in love with him no matter the circumstances of life. 
Granted that his attitude towards you was a wicked and selfish one, opting to cheat on him by sleeping around only made a mess of all the sacrifices and the things that you endured with him. Yes he has a low sperm count, yes he was not romantic on the bed, yes he started you of food and he treated you like a slave but going out and sleeping with a strange man was not in anyway going to solve any of those challenges. 
I would have suggested that you separate with him and divorce him if you felt that you couldn't work on the challenges or your differences than to sleep around. 
Since he has turned a new leaf, I will not encourage you to leave your marriage simply because his family doesn't like your personality or your presence in his life. I believe that the challenges of your marriage can be worked on if you and your husband are willing to sit down and have a heart to heart discussion and address the issues that has affected your marriage ever since you got married to him. 
Having a low sperm count doesn't mean that you cannot conceive children with him if both of you work with the medical experts and urologist to help him boost his sperm count and track your fertile days. 
Since he has promised to amend his ways, you express your views and ways to achieve this vision,how you wish to be treated, how your sexual intimacy can be improved, ways to support each other and work on improving your financial capacity as a couple and renew your love for each other. 
Leaving your marriage because of his family's perception of you would be falling into the temptation to destroy all that you have invested in your marriage. 
If you are willing to forgive him and reconsider your love for him, I believe that you can enjoy the beauty of your marriage.
All hope is not lost and I do believe your marriage can still be great and rewarding for you and your husband and your stories will change someday.
To help you, encourage your husband to write to me if he's comfortable with that so that I can have a word or two with him. 
This maybe time for you to seek the face of God and ask him for mercies, so that you can receive the grace to build a home where love and mutual respect and appreciation flourishes.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Designed by Tunde Sanusi (Tuham)