Wednesday, February 10, 2016

I Can't Accept that I Had Sex with Him!

God bless you ma for your words of wisdom and encouragement. Please ma, I do really need your help because I don't know whom else to talk to about this. I feel Guilt and I just can't stop crying.
It happened that my boyfriend or should I say fiancé because he has proposed, (though I asked him to still keep his ring ) came to my house yesterday night feeling bad. He called from his place of work to know if was at home and I affirmed. He came straight from the office to my house around 6pm. He wasn't bright as usual as I noticed.
Before then, there was something I had in mind of acquiring and he promised to help out. At a time I noticed he was having challenges and it would be bad to ask him for money knowing that he's facing a lot as he is also in charge of his younger siblings, so I decided to leave him out of it since I can also afford the stuff we are talking about. Though I never asked for his help, he was the one that volunteered to help. Aunty Amara, I made a mistake of acquiring the stuff but didn't inform him when I was about to go for it and after it has been delivered. Also, I talked about changing apartment and he also volunteered to help fix the new house but then I paid and parked into this apartment without his knowledge even when he was busy looking for a good painter.
Aunty, it happened that he has not visited for about one week because of a project he was looking into. Finally, yesterday he called to come over and I directed him to the new apartment. When he came, he was surprised but angry that we had plans together and I executed them without his knowledge. He said he had plans of sleeping over but won't again because it's a shame to him that he couldn't take care of me as promised and ended up calling himself an infidel. That he has failed me and he's ashamed of himself. He saw it as his responsibility to take care of my bills while I didn't and am not good at asking for money. I even had to lie to him that it was my brother that took care of the bills but that worsened the case. He said my brother might end up seeing him as someone who can't take care of his little sister when he comes for the marriage rite.
Aunty, seriously he wept that night. I might have seen men cry when they lose someone but then they will still behave like men and pretend as if it doesn't hurt but my man cried like a baby. I tried all I could to console him but then he will stop only to burst into tears again after sometime. While this was going on, I wondered how not taking care of my bills could be such a problem.
He finally told me that the reason while he came straight to my house from work was because when he called me earlier the sound of my voice strengthened him till he finished what he was doing and his best option was to stay with me for the night so that he could be happy because he had a bad day. The problem being that the project that took his time and money was being awarded to others and that his name was removed. Now only to visit me and find out that he's not taking care of me as he should. Seriously, the way he cried broke my heart. When I told him he's hurting me with he's tears, he agreed to stay for the night because he might do something stupid if am not with him.
Aunty, with that, he went to bed and after I have finished some paper work, I joined him. After a while I noticed he was still crying because he was sniffing. I turned his face only to find him in tears. I tried cuddling him and he stopped crying. Then he suddenly held my hand and looked into my eyes and asked me to make love to him. I said no because since we started this relationship last year, we agreed on no sex before marriage. It was all my idea and when I told him, his reply was "anything for you honey" and he never disturbed me about it. So when he asked for it, I was a bit surprised and what worsened the case was that he started begging for it and pleaded with me to take his pains away. He started kissing me and the next thing I know was he was already using his mouth on me and I allowed him but it took me by shock when I was noticing pains in my V area and that was when he was trying to Penetrate. The pain was so much that I asked him to stop and he did.
After a while he told me that he just needed to release that his having abdominal pains and headache. I knew what he's going through because am medically inclined. I also knew that he's stressed and sex can help relieve stress but I didn't know what else to do because I told him to find another means and he plainly told me that he can't masturbate. After a while he pleaded again to keep the penetration at the tip till he releases and that he has no one else to go to.
Finally I agreed because he became restless. He kept it at the tip and when he found out that I became stiff on bed, he left and rubbed himself a little while before he released. He then drew me closer and said he's sorry that I have to go through that and said so many other things of which my mind wasn't in it, when he noticed that I wasn't responding, he said "thanks" and pecked me at the forehead and slept off.
Ma, my problem now is that I can't still accept the fact that I had sex. Whether he penetrated deep or not, I don't seem to keep my mind off it. I couldn't even pray because I made a staunch promise to God that such won't happen except the person is my husband (wedded). Please how do I go about this because I have refused to talk to him either? It's hurting him I know but am hurt also. I have failed on my promise to God. Have pleased man and ended up displeasing God. Please how do I forget about this incidence and move on with my life. It's eating me up.
I know it's part of my fault because he has proposed to start some marital rites but I declined because I still need time and that means I will be an additional responsibility besides I want to finish up this my second degree first and start doing something before I start talking about marriage. I need to make my mum proud who has been there to support me even I still decided to get another degree.
Aunty, another problem am having with him proceeding with the marriage rites is because he's a lecturer and he told me he love teaching work when I asked if he wouldn't like to work in another place other than being a lecturer. I don't want regret in marriage owing to the fact of the misgivings and womanising attitude of some lecturers. I know he's not into it now but what if he changes? And again he takes in alcohol (though not more than two bottles a day).
I hate alcohol and I have pleaded with him to stop and he promised to do his best and stop but his boss is of bad influence. His boss being the DVC of the institution likes him a lot and often invites him to his office to drink with him and now he's telling me that he doesn't think he can ever stop drinking and that I should bear with him and pleaded with me not to try and separate him and the man.
Am confused! To make matters worse, he's a kegite. He said it's a social club but aunty I don't trust the word "social club" because anything can happen. Please are these reasons enough to disqualify him? Also considering the fact that he likes being noticed wherever he is and I dislike such. And he can stay out so late in the night of which am not ok with.
Apart from that, he's quite a noble man.... He can go to the extent of making out time to cook for me. Due to school stress, he can prepare soup and stew and store it in the refrigerator for me, just to make sure I have something to eat in the house. He makes it a habit of dropping my transport to school and also take care of my hairdo. He's quite an interesting guy.
Really need your advice on this please. How do I go about this knowing he has had canal knowledge about me?? Please help! Am sorry my write up is quite lengthy, needed to pour out my heart to you.

He's quite an interesting guy really but do you sincerely love this guy? I doubt that because I feel that you are a bit insensitive and selfish in your attitude towards this interesting guy who you have "technically" rejected his proposal, refused to carry along in your endeavours, is not comfortable with his passion for lecturing and his personality as a man. 
You called him your fiancĂ© but you wish to make your mum proud by acquiring two degrees before considering his proposal, then again I ask, do you really love this interesting guy? 
What happened with your partner at night was simply a nature's way of getting at you and your partner. He was stressed and you offered to give him comfort so crying out for help and condemning yourself would be painting yourself as being childish which I believe you are not. 
God has already forgiven you and has forgotten about that so kindly return to him, apologise and make amends in your decision to avoid making yourself vulnerable to sex. 
The social association of a man influences his relationship with his family, partner and God. Being a kegite which is a pseudo cultism club is an indication that he's not far from being a cultist nor will he consider giving up on his drinking melee, (scratching my head for their slangs). 
In all you have written about him, I feel that the major challenge is that of his association and how willing you are to accommodate him and his profession. If you are not comfortable with his passion for lecturing and his association with the kegites club, I would suggest that you reconsider the relationship with him and decide whether to continue with him or move on with your life but it's selfish and insensitive for you not to give your partner an answer after he has proposed to you. It's also not fair for you to live as though you are single while he's somewhere else working so hard to help you and support you. 
By the virtue of being in a relationship with him, you owe him sincere and an honest accountability of your endeavours and even if you wish not to seek for his support, open up and express yourself to him so that he would at least understand what you are experiencing instead of keeping him in the dark and then coming up to defend them with many lies and counter explanations. 
Use this opportunity to talk to yourself about what you really want in your life as a lady. He has proposed, if you are not comfortable with his personality and you don't see your husband in him, kindly give him an answer and move on with your life and if you wish to continue with him, then accept his ring and put forward your plans and vision for the relationship and your life. 
There's nothing wrong with desiring to appreciate your mother for all she has been doing and sacrificing for your sake but please do not do that at the expense of the man who's patiently waiting for you. Seek the face of God for mercies and forgive yourself. Be convinced and plan your life so that you don't give others an impression of a lady who is not organised or convinced of who she is and what she want in life. 
Having sex before marriage will not make God to discard you or fail to forgive but taking yourself away from him in self defence and remorsefulness will cost you of your eternal glory so return to him in genuine repentance and allow him to soothe your heart. 
Pick up the call of your partner and let him that you were trying to wrap your mind around the whole thing. No need to make him look like the sinner here but accept the responsibility for what happened, repent and rededicate yourself to God and he will show you mercy and reveal his purpose for your life and marriage. 


  1. Dear poster,

    Please give me ur fiance's number. I know how to handle men like him well.

    You have a man who worships the floor you walk on nd you are complaining. Please he is the kind of guy a million women r fasting and praying for, keep dragging ur feet oo.

  2. U are just using this guy and I must say that u are selfish. SIMPLE!!!

  3. There is nothing wrong here except the fact that you're allowing fear to spoil what you have. It might not be what you want totally at the especially considering your vow with God. Forgive yourself in that regard cos God has forgiven you already. As for him being Karid(Kegites member), it is nothing to do with his personality. It is just an avenue for him to vent his social life. I know so much about the club cos I was a staunch member in my undergraduate years. I was even a Chiefo(President) of my Ilya(branch)- Du Bensu. Ask my mum, she will attest to the fact that I have never been a cultist. My girlfriend then could swore that she was the only woman in my life. We had members who never tasted alcohol not even the official holyh20(consecrated palmwine) of the club. You have nothing to fear from his membership, especially now that he's no longer a student. Though I no longer support the club based on my new found life in God, I strongly suggest you dont allow that to cause issues for you guys. I wish you well. Regards

  4. I dnt think you love this guy. U have so many inclination towards him. Personally,wen someone I love as in really really love proposes to Mr,it wnt take me a split second to say yes and accept his ring. So just tell ur self the truth. Do u love him?

  5. Marriage is a union between two that are compatible.Guess there are differences b/w two of u as pointed out. This incompatibility will be a thorn in your flesh if married, except a proper reconciliation is done before marriage.


Designed by Tunde Sanusi (Tuham)