Wednesday, March 30, 2016

He's not Fair to my Daughter!

Good ma! I thank God for your life, may you continue helping others as you will help me on my issue. I have a beautiful daughter who was raised by my husband from the age of 4 years, am grateful for that, things started not going well after my daughter's aunt came back from Saudi Arabia, so she has asked us she would like to see her niece as she has not met her, I didn't have a problem with her meeting her niece because we were not together with her brother anymore since my daughter was eight months old. So I told my husband the reason why he left us, and still the father was maintaining the child, so my mistake was my husband didn't want my daughter to meet her aunt so I have decided to make my own decision for my daughter to go. Hmm, didn't know that it will cause a problem until now, then I didn't see a reason why my husband wouldn't let my daughter visit her aunt as he has a daughter same age as my daughter, and they were not married with his baby mama.
To cut story short, in 2010 when my daughter went to visit her aunt in June holidays, challenges started in our home, my husband accused me of favoring my baby daddy's family because I sent my daughter to go visit them even though he didn't agree. Yes I understand he raised her and am grateful for that, but to me it was not fair as his daughter do go and visit my husband's family anytime she wants. It continued till last year when he decided to ask me to send my daughter to go and stay with her father, he didn't give me a valid reason because to him, he assumed if my daughter go for a visit, I will get back with her father, but funny he's not thinking that I can assume too that he will go back to baby mama.
Now it came to a point where he's acting funny towards my daughter and she can feel the vibe and she is just a quiet person and that worries me aunty Amara, because honestly speaking am not happy at all in this marriage. Last year November, he called his father behind my back and told him he's leaving this marriage, he once said to me the love is gone out of the window the day I sent my daughter to visit her aunt. This past weekend, he went home to visit his family, I couldn't go as I was working, to my surprise he didn't even mention to me that he will ask his baby mama to bring the child for the weekend, only find out when I saw his profile picture he took with his family that his daughter was there for easter weekend.
I don't have a problem with that, the thing that I don't understand is why they don't allow my daughter to visit her father and aunts but his daughter is allowed to visit her father and grand parents, how is the fairness in this issue? I understand the culture says once you have a child and get married the hubby accepts your child and stay with us, but I don't agree with this culture if the other child is deprived to visit the other family and the other can visit as she wish.
So Aunty Amara, if I were to chose between my husband and my daughter God forgive me, I will chose my daughter over my husband, and now am in a point that am ready to file for a divorce because I can see I will always be the second from my husband. I thought he has changed but I was wrong, I even suggested that we go for counselling his answer was he doesn't need one, am the one who needs it, so I cannot continue building this marriage while the other party is unwilling to do so.
Please advise Aunty Amara, before I lose my daughter she is only 13years old..

Where you missed it was when you went ahead of your husband and sent your daughter to her aunt and her family. Nobody will support if he refuses to allow your daughter to visit her father and her relatives but the moment you acted as the head of the home and bruised his ego, he snapped. 
For him, it will be a lot easier and convenient to send his daughter to visit her mother and relatives but when it comes to you, you needed his support and permission to do so, not because he's the one that calls the shots but because he's the one who has been taking care of her and is responsible for anything that happens in her life. Secondly because you are married to him and have submitted yourself to his leadership, you could have extended such a courtesy and respect by pleading for his support instead of doing that your way. 
Even if he refused, you could have explored so many other avenues like talking so someone that he will respect or counselling and not to venture into that alone and give him the impression that you maybe vulnerable to your ex than you are loyal to him. 
In as much as both of you are fighting for supremacy, I would suggest that you apologise and seek for reconciliation, I know that your daughter is an inseparable part of your life but for a man to accept another man's child and train her like his own is a rare evidence that he genuinely loves you and appreciates you beyond anything else. 
Do not let your daughter or the pressure from her relatives destroy your marriage because you will need somewhere to call home in life when your daughter must have been married to another person. Instead of building a wall, please consider building a bridge by apologising to him and plead for forgiveness. 
Let him know that you are not challenging his authority or personality but was moved by the desires of your daughter to meet with her family and that you can never have anything to do with her father nor will you betray his love for you. Let him know that both of you can work through this and agree on what's workable for you and your daughter without making her feel lonely and forsaken. Remind him that you cannot separate your daughter from your life and be complete which is why you need his love more now than ever before. 
Massage his ego and apologise with all humility, listen to him and allow him to express himself. When that has been sorted out, both of you can then work on the grey areas of your marriage and how to manage your children without destroying your marriage. 
I want to believe that both of you were convinced beyond every reasonable doubt that you love each other and were willing to let go of anyone or anything else to make your marriage work. This is the time to remind each other of your promises and convictions and work on uniting your home and strengthening the trust and confidence in your marriage. 
You also need to seek the face of God in prayers and ask for divine help to restore you and your husband together and strengthen your bond of love with him.


  1. Thumbs up madam for this great advice. Welldone.

  2. You dont drag right with men especially ones hubby. If u want peace just apologize and its not all triVal issue will result to seeking divorce also how many marriages do u want to be opt in and out off. Sometimes we manage men and not ask for equal right. Just apologize and seek his happiness


Designed by Tunde Sanusi (Tuham)