Monday, March 14, 2016

I Can't Move Cos of Marriage!

Dear aunty Amara,
Thanks for making yourself available as an instrument GOD is using to give sound advice on relationship matters.
I am a Man of 32 and in a relationship with a girl of 25 years. It's been two years and we live apart. She is a career woman while I am a business executive. We both are successful in our different endeavours.
My issue is that my girl doesn't want to leave her location and move over to mine when we finally get married. She wants me to move over to her base and for me it is not possible cos I can't leave my nascent business. Moving over to her base means starting life afresh and I am not ready for that. She has her goals and dreams and of course as a literate man I understand and respect that.
This location thing has been an issue that I don't know how to tackle it again but the truth remains that I will not move to her location irrespective of the fact that she lives in a first world country and I live in a developing country.
We plan on going to go see her parents soon yet we have not resolved our location issue.
What do I do? Please treat as urgent.
Best Regards!

For you to achieve anything with your partner, it's advisable for you to let go of your ego and pride and weigh your options and realities dispassionately so that both of you can make compromises and at the same time achieve your vision for your relationship. 
If you have decided in your heart that you're not willing to make any compromise or sacrifice for the sake of your marriage or partner and she's not also willing to make some compromise for the sake of your future, then there wouldn't be any need for counselling because nothing can be achieved in your relationship. 
But I will implore you to please let go of self, ego, and pride and consider your options in this so that both of you can reach a better compromise for the sake of your relationship. 
One thing that must be constant is that both of you must agree to be one emotionally, spiritually and psychologically after wedding which means that it will be in your best interest to grow together in one home and location. 
Now let's face the realities of your financial capacity, who earns more now? Who has a higher purchasing power? If you encourage your partner to come down to your location, can your profit cater for your needs and the needs of your wife and your nascent business? If she's willing to shoulder the burden of taking care of your needs and her needs while you restructure your business by employing someone to manage the business while you carry out an oversight function of your business, will that be a better option to consider? 
If there are risks or economic crisis, who will bear the pains more and who will lose more? 
If both of you are willing to synergise in your financial capacity and support the vision of each other, where do you feel that both of you can prosper more? 
I understand that you have a vision for your business and you are not willing to let go, maybe what you need to do more is work with your partner and agree on what is fiscally feasible for both of you. If you are suggesting that she come and join you, where will she fit in in your business and where will she be working to sustain and add to what you make every month?
These and many more are the realities that you must weigh before deciding on what's best both of you. 
If for example, your partners financial capacity is more stable than yours and she is willing to work with you and make the necessary sacrifice for the sake of your marriage, then you may reconsider your decision and make the necessary amends. 
But if she's not willing to make sacrifices, if she's not willing to make some difficult compromises, if she's not emotionally mature and psychologically stable for marriage, please I will not encourage you to talk about marriage with her. 
Apart from weighing the financial realities of your career choice, it is very important to let you know that ego and pride are two enemies of matrimonial prosperity. No couple can succeed when they're unable to let go of self and give their heart to meeting the needs of each other even if it means sacrificing that which you cherish so much in your life. 
For your marriage to succeed and for your marriage to stand the test of time, self must give way to accommodate us, self must give way to strengthen us and self must die for your marriage to grow and in a situation where self cannot give way, it's wiser not to venture into marriage because marriage was never instituted for the selfish individuals. 


  1. But I think Bible said.... Wife submit to your husband.... As for me, the man should have his way. The ego things that Amara is talking about is from the woman, I m married and know what a woman can do when a woman is ahead,it may not happen now, 5,10 years but this same ego things will still happen where the woman will want to have her way again. There other options if they want to marry; they can marry and still maintain their respective location but visit themselves often and if they manage themselves well it will be resolve naturally.
    I have a nigerian friend that work with oil company (offshore) while the wife is a medical doctor in London and my friend visit UK often. I m sorry to say this that as for me the man should have his way on location issue. Perhaps the man may voluntarily give way, no problem about that so be it. But it seem in this situation the woman in question doesn't want to alllllll no matter is wrong.

    1. *the woman in question doesn't want to consider anything at all no matter what, which is wrong


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