Saturday, April 23, 2016

He's a Heavy Drinker!

Good day Aunty Amara, May God continue to bless you with divine wisdom that you've been using to handle our personal life issues. Here is my story, and ma sorry it might not be a short one. I am a lady in her late 20's and am married to a man in his early 30's too. My marriage recently clocked five years and I have two kids already, a boy and a girl.
The problem I have is my husband, I can't really say he loves me cos most of his attitudes leave me worried whether he truly loves me or not. Sometimes, I feel like just taking my stuffs away from the house and not coming back. These feelings are based on the fact that he is a heavy drinker, and talks so much after he must have consumed lots of alcohol with his friends.
I never liked any of his friends because they drink like he does and they were never the ones I met him with while we were still courting. We met in school during the university days and we courted for almost five years before I became pregnant and we got married. This is just for you to understand the background of the relationship. For all those years, I have never for once caught him in the act of drinking let alone drinking to stupor.
He comes home every night like that and when he comes, he starts abusing me verbally, after that he will want to make love with me. Most of the times, I reject him cos I can't stand the smell of alcohol. I support my family with the income I earn in a private company while he works alone as a contractor, so he has time for himself. Have discussed about this issue with him, with his mum when she came to help me in taking care of my nine months old child I had recently. I also called his elder brother because I couldn't stand the shame that will come with me reporting him to my mum. My dad is late, I lost him last year, I expected this man to be all I have as father but he's never there. He doesn't come home early, when he comes, he picks up a fight with me at any slight argument.
That being said, he doesn't even care for my needs, he pushes the whole responsibility of taking care of our nine months old baby only to me. I have cried, talked, called him, but he never sat for us to address issues but he always come to me at night for sex. I recently made a conclusion that I won't allow him touch me until we sit to talk about the issues in this marriage. Each time I reject him from touching me, he starts saying how much is sex that he can't get outside. This is the man I started life with from the scratch of having nothing, we never had anything when we got married, it was until I started working that things started taking a new turn and we got ourselves a car which I contributed the lump sum of the money used in purchasing the car. I told him to teach me how to drive so I can sometimes take the kids out with it but he's never ready, he prefers to go out with his friends than with myself and the kids.
I have tried all I could to talk to this man but he's seeing me as a nag. What hurts me most is when he's drunk, he abuses my mum anyhow he likes, because my mum is known to be very strict and as such doesn't tolerate any of his arrogant attitude. Aunty Amara, I am tired of this marriage, I have lost my self esteem, I am bitter at heart, I want to make it work but he's never ready. I don't know what other approach to use. Sometimes, I just feel like leaving the house maybe when I leave he will know my worth. I forgot to make mention of when I saw a condom in the car, I asked what he was doing with it and he said it was his friend he kept it for. He just gave me a very funny answer that day. Most of the times, when he's drunk and picks up on me, he mentions that am such a mistake in his life. This is the man we struggled together, I supported with everything I have, I fasted and prayed for him to become a better person, even when my own friends wondered why I married a man who had nothing. I am tired. I don't know if I should leave the house with my daughter and leave him with the other son of ours who is 5 years old.

I can only imagine what you go through everyday in the hands of your husband. It maybe difficult and challenging but it's not beyond God's redemptive grace and mercy. Since your husband doesn't yield to all your efforts to help him overcome the addiction of drinking, maybe you should consider talking to an elderly person perhaps in your church, his family or his kindred who knows him and who he will listen to and respect his or her opinions, and approach him so that you can pour your heart to him or her and plead for his or her time to intervene in your marriage.
If this approach fails to yield any positive result, then you may need to consider booking for a counselling session with your husband so that he can be educated on the dangers of alcoholism and how he can manage the addiction and at the same time be able to carry out his family duties.
On your part, I would suggest that you don't starve him of sex or manipulate him with sex or use sex as a condition for your dialogue with him, it's counterproductive and may end up destroying what you are striving day and night to maintain. You can encourage him to always shower and possibly take a candy sweets before meeting with you. Explain your reasons for suggesting that to him and do not engage in an argument with him whenever he's drunk because he's both psychologically and mentally unstable at that point in time.
When he must have taken his shower and he's neat, please allow him to make love with you, so that you can still use that approach to win his heart and reach out to him concerning your many worries and concerns.
It's possible that his circle of friends may have influenced him to drink and keep late night. But with your prayers, patience and maturity, you can break the chain of influence in his life and bring him home. Some wives had to encourage their husbands to buy the alcohol and bring it home, that way they brought those men back home and gave them the privilege to regulate his daily consumption(it may not be the best approach though).
One of the sacrifices you must make is to think of ways to bring him closer and help him understand that you don't want to control his life but wish to help him overcome his addiction to alcohol and also help him manage his resources to make great investments in the future.
Please do remember that alcoholism alters the neurotransmitters of the brain and his hormones thereby making him to talk more and abuse anyone around him. He may not mean all that he said but he can't help himself at that point because of the effect of the alcohol. You may wish to ignore all he says and help him as though you are saving your son from destruction.
It may not be easy but it's possible with God, change your perception about him, work on your approach to help him and trust God to deliver him. If he's willing to talk to me, maybe you can suggest that and encourage him to talk to me here.

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