Friday, April 1, 2016

I Feel Guilty!

I was married to a pastor, we loved each other to death, he gave me money for our wedding, since I was a student I gave it to dad to keep, but my parents used it without telling me, only informing me a week before wedding. It was the beginning of our problems, friends of hubby to be called my parents thieves. I was confused, my husband borrowed money, did wedding but he complained to me of his relatives not giving food on time, he complained of cake not being nice, I was confused.
I was a virgin, we went to bed very angry, on the first night, he wasn't romantic like he used to and I bled a lot. He was angry when I became pregnant after a month as he wanted us to go to school. He complained in my whole nine months, that I tricked him by being pregnant just like I did with wedding money. He went for his bachelor's degree in Kenya, so he first saw our child after three months cos he didn't have money to see her on time.
That experience made me not to enjoy sex and would deny him most of the time. He applied for school in USA secretly after seven years of marriage, he only told me after he got visa as he used his marital status for getting. He said, I will never leave you my darling wife, I will send papers for you which he did, but was denied visa. He left me, asked me to wait for papers at my parents, he gave our furniture to his family and everything we bought together, he use to send $100 in six months for his child through his friend. He gave orders that I only buy things for his child and not for me which I did and would take receipts to his friend who would confirm that money was spend on child related items.
When dad suddenly died, my husband came four years after he left USA, I was 29 as he left when I was 25 and our kid was 5, I tried seducing him he was angry, but after two months I managed but he pulled out as he didn't want me ve another child, he took our child to USA, he cut communication just heard he was marrying a medical doctor with support of his mum, but his dad was against the marriage as he respected our marriage. He said now he has found an educated woman cos uneducated women are failures in life and marriage, they suddenly eleven years later came back and my kid refused to go and stay with him, she stayed with me as our countries are neighbors in southern Africa.
I still loved him, I begged for forgiveness in all our twelve years separation, our kid was sexually abused at 5 by his 21 years brother, I reported him to police but he wasn't arrested as his family hide him and that made my husband angry cos I failed to forgive his brother but he forgave my parents for stealing his money, it's reason he gave me that I forgive his brother or I don't and I lose the marriage, I reported and lost marriage.
But after eleven years he forgave me, I went to visit him twice, my mum asked that it's time he comes and visit me since he lost all his money and he was kept by another pastor, he refused to meet my family saying cos I was the one who has been begging and I have to follow him. I was hurt as he would easily lose temper, he would excuse himself to answer phone outside, he asked me to take all furniture I bought with my own money in twelve years to him as he had nothing. I realized he doesn't love me so I gave him a condition that will only go and see him if he comes for me first, he refused, he suddenly became blind in July 2014 and on father's day 2015, he collapsed after he preached in church died three days later. His mother accused me of killing him cos I refused to come and stay with him. I feel guilty that maybe if had moved with him I could have saved his life.

I am sorry for the death of your husband and I pray that God will console and comfort you, and his family for this irreparable loss.
There is no reason for you to feel guilty about his death, because you were not responsible for his death nor were you the one who pushed him to marry an educated lady who will make him succeed.
There is no need for any other analysis, move on with your life and give your best to your daughter.
God knows better than we can imagine, he will give you the grace to stand out,  and fulfil the purpose for which God has created you.

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