Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Should I Tell my Husband Everything?

Good day ma
First of all thanks for the good work you are doing.
Ma, I've been married for one year now but my in-laws won't let me enjoy the marriage. They are good people in a way, they love and welcomed me into their home with open hands. But the problem is this, I work with an oil and gas firm while my hubby works with an oil servicing company. Before we got married, he reached an agreement with his parent on the monthly allowance he will give them for house up keep and they've been working with that, but when I came in for the first five months, I was sending my mother-in-law money because she said she loaned money from someone to help the eldest son with his business, so I assisted her to clear up the loan.
Then every time she keeps bringing up stories and demanding money from me even after her son has given her upkeep money, giving her money wasn't an issue but it's becoming too much cos I also have my own responsibilities which include assisting my own parents. Now anytime they ask my hubby for money and he couldn't provide it for them, they start calling and disturbing me to pressurise my hubby to give them money or give them myself.
So last month, his mom called and said I should send her money that the money my hubby sent is finished that was within one week he sent them the money, I told her I don't have money, she kept calling and insisting, had to tell my hubby about it cos I've kept it away from him, so he doesn't have issues with them.
When I told him, he called his mom and scolded her for asking me for money, he told her that which ever money he gives her is from the both of us as family, since then she doesn't respond to my calls very well, then since this week my father-in-law started calling and shouting at me that my hubby has not come to visit them since he came back from a training in US three weeks ago. I tried to explain that he's been busy which is the truth and he has also explained that to them cos he's heading the job that took him for that training. My father-in-law said I kept everything he brought back to myself that if it were to be when he was still single he will first of all come and give them what he brought, that he is angry with me that if hubby can't come why can't I come and bring them the gifts?
Sincerely there were no gifts, it was a training not a pleasure trip. Last night I begged hubby to give me some cash to go and visit his parents during the weekend but I didn't tell him what his dad has be saying, I planned buying some things from here.
But am really upset don't know how to handle all this. I don't want them be pressurising me like that, it's really frustrating his dad has called me three times today scolding and scolding me, won't even allow me to talk, I want to tell hubby this whole thing so he will talk to them. My parents has never called him for anything so why should his parents be so demanding from me?

Please do not begin what you cannot sustain in the name of trying to buy the affection of your in-laws. You are married to a man and should be submissive to your husband to the later including in your financial transactions with his family. 
It's entirely wrong to push your husband to a battleground with his family in the name of trying to be "nice and caring" to your in-laws. 
Your husband knew who his family were and their own weaknesses which is what made him to have an agreement on how much he will give to them for upkeep and their own needs. He knew so well that they would love to control his finances and demand money every week and he went ahead by planning his financial expenses which he was implementing and you were dragging him back with your niceness. 
When it comes to financial management, you and your husband must have a working arrangement of what each family gets and they must have this understanding that the money came from the husband and the wife (a joint affair) and not from my son or my daughter. Anything you do aside from that will be destroying your own marriage and family. 
You have to learn to be honest and firm in making your decisions and whenever his family calls, kindly take the phone to him and stop defending him. There's no need to pretend to be what you are not or to continue being slaves to their requests every now and then. 
Let your husband be the one to address these issues and manage whatever it is that they need.
Going forward, don't buy any penny for them because you want to impress them without first informing your husband. Don't send anything to your in-laws on your own but let everything go through your husband, because when there's any conspiracy, you maybe the scape goat. Allow your husband to manage his parents while you encourage him. 
What they're doing is exploiting the weakest link and you seem to have made yourself available in the past, this is the time to block that and focus on building your own family and marriage. 
Your niceness to them should be respect and courtesy and nothing else. As long as you can greet them and listen to their opinions, that's great enough for a grateful heart. 
You must be wise, discerning, smart and articulate not to allow anyone to distract, distress and disorganise you from focusing on your primary purpose in your marriage.

1 comment:

  1. Mtcheeew, I am tempted to call by a 'mugu' but I will chill.
    Amara has said it all. Why would you ever give out money to your hubby's family without telling him let alone pay loans. Telling him will get him mad & affect his ego,cos you were showing off that you have money but u have to tell him cos tomorrow he will hear it from one of them.
    Don't buy anything and ensure u make ur hubby know what his father said. They don't even care about seeing their own son who travelled in the quest to make it in his career, they are after what he came home with by asking u to 'deliver their goodies'.
    I am sorry to say but ur in-laws are VERY selfish!!!


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