Monday, May 16, 2016

I Regret the Marriage almost Everyday!

I am a lady in my mid thirties. Was in a relationship while in my university days (my first love) and loved the guy with all my heart. After nine years, he broke up with me cos he felt I was rushing him into marriage. Luckily for me, a more matured man that showed interest in me while in the relationship came back to propose to me again while still heart broken. I agreed to marry him cos I was really feeling lonely and suicidal.
My problem now is that, although this man is not in anyway a woman abuser but he doesn't also know how to show love. Despite being married now for six years, I regret the marriage almost everyday.
My husband doesn't know how to make love, how to gist, how to be a friend, how to make the right decisions for me and my children. Because of his being laid back, I am left to do all he should do as a man and at the end I feel really unloved. I talk to him severally about what I want and how I want to be loved but he doesn't improve at all.
Right now, the loneliness I ran away from is what I feel most of the time. I am so sad right now and wish I could just leave the marriage and start all over again if given the chance. But like I said, he isn't abusive at all but too quiet to a fault. Please ma, what do I do?
Many times when I really wish to gist or play, I miss my ex badly but I know I can't go back to him cos he is married too. I don't want to end up having extra marital affairs but at the moment I am tired of my husband's nonchalant attitude. Imagine where a man can stay with his wife for more than six months and sex won't just happen between them. If I manage to ask for it, if he doesn't beg me that he is sick or tired, he will barely last two minutes.
If you sit with him to tell him your worries or how your day went, he will doze off. Never has he advised or contributed in any issue/discussion. Everything I do is okay by him. Sorry my message is too long. I am just trying to let you know how I feel. Kindly help summarize to fit into this platform

Rushing into another relationship as a result of a failed relationship is not always the best way to overcome the pains and the experiences of your past relationship. It was obvious that you had no idea who you got married to because you were so heartbroken that anyone that could tell you 'I love you' was good enough for you. 
You may be complaining about his personality but I feel that you never took your time to date, court and understand his personality before getting married to him. Perhaps if you did, you would have known him better and would have devised means to communicate effectively with him. 
Looking for your ex in your husband or expecting that your husband would treat you exactly the same way your ex did is also the reason why you are experiencing loneliness and pains in your marriage, and no matter whatever he does, you will somehow never be happy or satisfied with him. 
We have to start with you, it's understandable that you really love your ex much more than you love your husband but you need to move on from your past relationship and realise that you are now married to your husband. Even it you don't love your husband, taking your time to understand his personality, his attitude and vision will help you to adapt to his lifestyle and find some of his qualities that you admire so much. 
Your husband may not be entirely as bad and horrible as your mail paints him but if you are patient, a little bit more open and close to your husband, maybe things won't be so terrible as you perceive them. 
At his age, there's a possibility that he's experiencing his sexual lower libido which might be responsible for his attitude towards sex and you in general and you might need to change his diet so that he can enhance his sexual performance and help him become more intimate to you. 
Regarding his attitude towards you, I feel that it will be awesome for both of you to go for a counselling session so that he can be taught on how to take good care of you, learn how to listen to you, understand your emotions and attend to your needs. 
There is every possibility that he has no idea what it means to be caring, attentive, loving and selfless with you, and will need some time, help and support to improve on these. 
Please do not be impatient with him or allow his cold attitude towards you to push you into engaging in an extramarital affairs or consider cheating on your husband. But let this be a learning process that will help you rediscover his personality and appreciate him for who he is instead of comparing him with your ex or expecting your ex in him.
No marriage is without its own peculiar challenges, but with selfless devotion, understanding, wisdom and patience, some of the things that made you feel like running away will be managed and you will still have one or more reasons to celebrate your marriage.


  1. You are selfish, look at all the things you listed that your husband is not doing for you. Sometimes people take things for granted until they lose it. Maybe you can appreciate the first guy because you lost him. I tell you that if something happens and this same husband wakes up one day and sends you packing your language will change. Learn to appreciate what you have as blessing and be happy with yourself. You need to grow up marriage is beyond sexual satisfaction. Occupy yourself with other important things and get closer to God it will help change your values

    1. I agreed that this woman is still inlove with her ex but my dear sexual satisfaction contribute a lot in marriage,

  2. Am also having same problem wit hw much I loved my ex...but I promised myslf DAT I won't rush into eny relationship ,am taking my time and hoping to meet my tru soulmate....i wish u had done same.....but all dsame,ders always a solution to all problem...jst came down and device a means of communication...let him knw his hurting sure he'll listen.


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