Tuesday, June 21, 2016

He's Distrustful, Judgemental and Arrogant!

Good day Mrs Amara, I have a huge issue. It started few years ago when I met my husband, though I saw the warning signs quite late I must say, but before the wedding, I thought it wasn't so bad.
The issue is that my husband has a temper, but deep into the relationship I noticed it wasn't just bad temper, he is distrustful, super judgemental, and believes he knows everything. He was in a relationship that produced children even though he wasn't married to her.
I tried to find out what went wrong but he said she was very opinionated and wanted to do things her way. He is secretive as well, its so bad that I don't know how much he earns, where he is going to, when he leaves the house. Did I mention that I found out that he cheated on me at some point when we were miles apart?
I just wanted to explain his nature, I feel he has a paranoid personality disorder. Anyways, in the course of our marriage, he complained so many times that at some point he stopped picking my calls, replying my texts or sending me money cos I was in school then. I have issues, we all do, believe me when I say that I worked on them but he still keeps looking for tiny insignificant things to harangue on.
The latest issue is that he has been giving me the cold shoulder, that he needs a woman not a girl cos he is more than a decade older but he refused to tell me what to do to make it right. I got so angry when he put me on the spot as usual asking why I asked if he was at home, I got angry that I cut the call on him.
I got overwhelmed and all the bad memories came like a flood. Right now, I am tired, I don't have a job, I have a baby but no childcare, I am fed up. How can I maintain my sanity when he treats me like he is doing me a favor staying married to me. I got so angry that I had to remind myself that I am a good person, beautiful inside out, I love to please him. I have been told that, not just praising myself. Please I need an advice. Thanks for the patience.

I know that you never anticipated what you are experiencing in your marriage but since you were convinced that he's the one for you and you are comfortable with his personality, I will be giving you tips and suggestions that will help you to manage his personality and weaknesses knowing that you cannot succeed in changing his personality. 
He's insecure, manipulative and with his temper, that means that he will always suspect, accuse, and sometimes intimidate you for your suggestions or opinions. So to help yourself and also help him, live a simple life, don't border complaining or explaining things that may likely trigger his temper but be calm and patient with him. 
Listen more, love more and talk less, suggest when you feel that it's necessary but don't argue or compare your views with his or make him feel that you are intimidating him but allow him to be the leader even when you may have a better approach to the task.
I don't know how your sexual intimacy is like but sex is a great tool to win your husband's heart and draw him closer to yourself. Thankfully your body is fresh and you can still give him many reasons to look forward to being with you and making love to you. Spice things up and be part of the sexual experience in his life. 
If he's physically abusive and he unnecessarily punishes you by not providing for the upkeep of your home, kindly inform your family and his family for intervention to avoid starving your children to death.
I know that things might not be so rosy but it's not beyond redemption which is why I suggest that you give him some time and work towards understanding his personality and helping him overcome his weaknesses by prayerfully and patiently supporting him, listening to him and tolerating him irrespective of his shortcomings. 
Where your life and the safety of your is threatened, please don't hesitate to return back to your family to avoid losing your identity in the name of marriage.

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