Wednesday, August 17, 2016

I No Longer Love this Man.

Aunty Ammy, good day to you. I'm one of your fans, though this will be my first time writing to you. I thank God for how He's using you to touch souls for free, I pray He rewards you, more and more in Jesus name.
Aunty please I just want your honest advise on this issue, it's not really something big, but it has made me depressed for a very long time now, and i'm losing it.

I'm married for two years, with a baby girl and another on the way. I see my husband as someone that doesn't have time for women, let me say I trust him like ninety-seven percent. Something happened someday that I discovered a chat between him and his ex girlfriend who is married o with kids, and she calls him my love begging him for money, asking him to buy her phone. Though she was the one giving him the green light, but my husband got very angry that I read his messages, not only that, I pretended to be him, and was chatting her up, I wanted to know what's up.
After that incident, he changed his password (because we use the same password). Though we've settled that one, the next one is his sales girls, I can't say if he's getting physical with her, but every night before he sleeps, he calls her on phone ( someone that they meet everyday in his shop), they discuss personal issues, outside work, and his tone will be very low and romantic unlike him. He has a very harsh voice.
He normally goes out to call her, if i'm in the parlour, he goes to the room, vice versa. In fact to me, they are emotionally attached, though he keeps saying he does have anything to do with her. I no longer have access to his phone cos that way, I would know what's going on, like the first time.
Aunty the truth is that I no longer love this man I swear, cos I hate cheating, and I believe he's cheating. Whenever he's making love to me, I will just lie like stature, and I will be weeping bitterly, cos it feels like he's raping me. I even told him that I no longer love him cos I hate pretending. He has noticed the change in me, and is asking me what the problem is. Whenever he is not around, I feel happy, but once he comes back, I become sad immediately. I'm losing my mind. He is not abusing physically o, and he provides for his family, but I just don't love him anymore, it's as if I'm living with the enemy.
Another thing that annoys me is that i'm an only child of my parents, i'm not financially buoyant, though I have a small work that I do. This man knows only his family, he will complain about money, but once any member of his family calls, that money must come out. I his wife, he doesn't give me N1000, let alone my poor parents. He doesn't even know they exist.
My mum always send things from the village to me, I mange to send small money to her once in a while, like N3000 or N5000. But this man will never do that, but his people, he will send like N100,000 to them, even me his wife, is hard for him.
All these things made me to start hating him.
Aunty please advise me, I just want to be happy with my kids, cos there's no transparency in my marriage, sometimes I wish I could do him back, but I don't have such mind

There is need for you and your husband to sit down and have a heart to heart discussion with him, and find out why he has decided to cheat on you and entangle with strange women. 
The moment a partner is not comfortable answering his phone calls, the moment he's not happy with you reading his messages, there's something not so good about him that he's hiding from you, which is why he's angry that you already know about his secret deals. 
Let him know that you are bitter and pained to know that he's comfortable with helping his ex than he's comfortable with appreciating you in his life. 
Ask him why he's not comfortable with receiving or calling his sales girl in your presence, why he's always hiding and talking like a baby whenever he's talking with her. Ask him what exactly is going on between both of them. 
You can't keep quiet and die of depression and pains, you need to open up and let him know why you're hurting and in pains. Let him know that your family are not strangers to him just as you are no strangers to his family. If since he got married to you, he hasn't sent anything to your family, it's not really so nice of him and I believe that he can do better than that. 
His reactions to you will determine whether you need to involve elders that he respects to talk to him or schedule for counselling session so that both of you can resolve your differences and strengthen your marriage. 
If your husband is comfortable with talking to me, I will suggest that you encourage him to write to me so that I can have a word or two with him and also hear him out. 
On your part, I will suggest that you don't allow his phone to take over his personality in your marriage. In as much as there shouldn't be any form of secrecy between couples, it's not necessarily healthy to always snoop or monitor every little thing he does with his phone. It's only an evidence that you don't trust him or that you are suspecting him. No matter how much he hopes to hide his secret ways, it will surely be made manifest someday so don't reduce yourself to check who he's chatting with or try to respond on his behalf without his express permission, that is not the appropriate thing to do. 
I will also encourage you not to allow the way he treats his family push you into being bitter or frustrated towards him. Rather let it spur you to work hard and appreciate your own family in your own little way. It takes those who are grateful to appreciate and if your husband feels that he doesn't have enough to appreciate your parents, please appreciate your family the way you feel like. 
Someday things will get better and you will have more than enough to give both to your parents and his own parents.

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