I had these molestation as a girl child while growing up by people I knew. I couldn't open up then because I was quiet and extremely shy girl. I was a pious and devoted Christian who spent most of her time in church as a teenage girl, until I was molested again and raped by a church member.
Ever since then, I looked at the mirror and saw a different person. It was like I had another personality entirely. I derived pleasure in dating older men (some married). I got angry at slightest provocations, I became rude, I took pride in my beauty which became a priority over the things of God.
But in all these I hated SEX with great passion. I really didn't know how but I still found myself in the act which I had so much regrets afterwards. It was always painful and frustrating to me, so I went from one relationship to another, because most times I couldn't keep up with my partner's sexual demands, but I didn't really care. I knew my heart was searching for something but my mind and body was on the road to damnation.
Recently, I got married, I didn't even know how it happened. And for the first time in my life I had enjoyed SEX (with my husband ), for the first time I could approach the opposite SEX (my husband) for sexual pleasures without stress. For the first time I saw myself loving a man in my husband with my whole being. He is just God sent, we never dated or courted, he just saw me and married me off within a week without intimacy. I had always wanted to discuss my past with him but I don't know the right time for it.
The problem now is he started having strange dreams about me and some strange men, that I was actually going after them. In one of those dreams I was weeping that someone condemned me about my past and he was consoling me and trying to deal with the person. I am worried, is like my pasts is around the corner to rare it's ugly head again. I have always assured him I have let go of my past relationships and in all sincerity I have.
Should I go ahead and tell him about my pasts? My marriage is just few months old. I know he will under but I don't know the right atmosphere to open these deep secrets. Please guide me ma. Thank you
The right atmosphere is when you feel safe, comfortable, secure and free to share everything with your husband. This shouldn't be as a result of fear or 'dream' or any other external forces but it should be out of your selfless devotion, sincere desire to bond with your husband and be one with him.
If you do it out of fear, you may end up feeling inferior or worried that he may use the information against you in the future. And being that your marriage is relatively new, both of you are getting to know and understand each other.
The beauty of this moment is that your feelings of love and affection is all over the environment, but it doesn't mean that he may have the emotional capacity to manage some detailed information about your past and your journey as a lady.
I would suggest that you calm down until you're comfortable with sharing them with him. Also do not allow the devil to rent a space in your head by making you feel that you cannot enjoy your marriage as a result of your past.
All you owe them is to forgive them and set them free from your heart.
As for your sexual history, it's not necessary and not too healthy for a lady to go into details because most times it crushes the emotions of men. What matters is that after being molested, you had sex and that you have decided to remain faithful and committed to him for the rest of your life.
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