Thursday, March 16, 2017


Dear aunty Amara,
Good evening. I thank God for the good works He has been using you and your fans to do in the life of youths as per issues connected to relationships and marriage. More grease to your elbows.
Please Aunty, I have a burning issue that I would want you to help me trash out concerning my relationship life.
I am a graduate. I was posted to serve as an NYSC corps member in one of the southwestern state of Nigeria. I hail from Delta state. I will be clocking thirty by June 6 while my girlfriend will be clocking twenty by May 13.
We started dating few months ago, December 5, 2016 till date, precisely. Having completed my service, I chose to stay back, organizing JAMB and WAEC lessons for students while at the same time teaching Chemistry and Further Mathematics in one of the boarding schools in the community. I am also into fish farming business at the same time. I do these just to pass away time till the dream job comes. I don’t want to go back and start dragging food with my younger ones at home in Delta state as this would bring down my image before my younger ones as a graduate. I just want to be busy in wherever I am while also applying for jobs online. I do go for interviews, though they have not yielded the expected result.
For the now, I have quitted the classroom life for the road life as I now do transport business with the small taxi cab that I managed to buy with my little savings. It pays more than teaching in the private schools. Along the line, I fell in love with one of the Yoruba girls in my town of abode. I will be clocking thirty by June 6 while my girlfriend will be clocking twenty by may 13. She has never been my student as I hate dating my own student. It is rubbish and it brings dishonor. I don’t try it. She has been like a mother to me as she cares for me a lot—preparing my meals at her mum’s house while at the same time preparing the cow blood with which I do feed my fish(since the fish’s foreign feed’s price has sky-rocketed). I truly love her and I have always tried to buy her happiness even beyond her expectations. I could be stingy to myself—that I know, but never to the person I love. She too knew this. I have vowed to marry her when the time comes. Her parents and younger ones are also aware of this. 

But where the problem is now are:
1.Her friends: She has no single female friend. She forbids keeping female friends. Each time I close from work in the evening and check on her, it’s either Matthew is keeping her company or Andrew is keeping her company and never Juliet or Rebecca or any girl you will ever think of. I tried discussing this with her and she said she FORBIDS keeping female friends, reason being that she has once suffered rape when her past female friend set her up by inviting her to come along with them and pay one of their male friends a visit. In the process they all left her and the boy alone in the room, the boy added analgesic drug to her drink, she slept off and then the sinful work of man was done—raped her and lost her virginity in the process. The next day, the other girls were quarrelling with her for not thanking them for taking her to a man that helped her to break her virginity.
Since then till date, she has resolved never to have anything to do with girls. I tried petting her and educating her to forget about the past and to start keeping godly girls as female friends, because should those her female friends have been godly, they wouldn’t have made her go the way she went. All these fell on deaf ears. I tried enduring and respecting her decision of keeping only boys as friends, but Aunty, I must confess, it is not worth it. The kind of boys she keep as friends are the dirty type. Those that wouldn’t even waste the slightest moment of rape/sex should the opportunity be there. There were time I drive to her mother’s shop very late at night( at times 10pm) and I would meet her standing in dark corners romantically with a guy and then I would drive by as if I didn’t see them. But if I ask her later, she would deny it and when she sees that I am getting mad at her actions, she would cover him up by saying he is her brother. She covers them up with the name of brothers, cousins and ordinary friends—always in dark corners at an odd time of the day. Time without number at night, she and one guy or the other at dark corners and never for one day will she be with a girl cracking joke, playing ludos, chess, scrabble, etc but always with a guy in dark corners. 
Owing to the fact that she realized I am becoming fed up with this her lifestyle, yesterday, she changed their meeting location with her latest male friend. I drove in, asked of her where about from her younger one and they lied to me that the mother has sent her to buy “Fufu” because the mum is a caterer/food seller. I sat down to wait for her, because I have made it an habit to hear her voice every morning even before saying my morning prayers and to see her and know how her day went after I close from work. I never knew her younger sister was lying as a way to send me away for that day so that her sister could have enough time with her “new catch”.
As luck would have it, the elder sister went to a dark corner where the both of them—she and the guy were seated—to call her: “ABCD, are you not going to join us to starting cleaning up the shop so that we start going home? Sit there and continue chatting…it’s almos 10pm already!”. “ I am coming, she responded in a very low tone”—so that I wouldn’t notice that she has been there with a guy. She has seen me long ago but I never knew. I felt shocked and disappointed to see that she was at that dark place just directly across the other side of the road where I was seating. I went straight to meet them and with a matured mind, I went to exchange a handshake/greetings with the guy afterwhich, I returned back to where I was seating. I thought she would leave and feel sorry for her actions—never! Instead, she was there for over fifteen minutes again, while I was alone under the tree, thinking about the way forward to this relationship. The sister had to call her again before she could leave and as she was going to meet her sister, she just branched to where I was, greeted me like a fool that has never fallen in love for once, and was trying to form jokes with me. I sparked up, formulated lies that the iphone I bought her was a stolen phone by the person I bought it from, without my knowing and that I have been arrested till my drivers’ union member came to my rescue on the ground that the following day, I have been mandated to return the phone. She believed it when I promised her that I will get her a brand new one and never a fairly used one again, by this month ending.
Having done this, I went ahead to torment her in return this morning by driving with another cuter girl to greet her at her mother’s shop, telling her that she s my(ordinary) friend and that I just wanted to go and drop her off. Of a truth, I have nothing to do with her. She was just an old time friend. Since she has chosen to maltreat my love for her by keeping multiple boys, that was why I have to start my own version of tormenting her and I hope to do more than this till she ends up running from the town owing to frustration, because I know I will definitely frustrate life out of her soonest. She drew the first blood, not me. She almost melted in pains.
Later on, when I returned from work, I decided to branch at the shop where she was learning tailoring, catering, and decoration. She thundered at me in public that I should get out of her sight. I smelled and told her: “yesterday, you did yours, I asked you if you wouldn’t be angry if I keep stuck to female friends just like you are staying stuck to male friends and you said ‘it’s a free world’ that I am free. So, why the annoyance? So now you know it pains, right?” I zoomed off laughing cheerfully at her stupidity. 

2. Her parent’s belief about me: I hail from Delta state. Her mum and dad has been educated by wrongly-informed hands that Deltans eat humans, and that if they allow me to marry their daughter, that my people will eat their daughter and they strongly hold to this belief. I wonder which pit of hell this lie was manufactured from. They also hate the fact that I am not a Yoruba indigent, and too that I can’t speak their language fluently.

My girlfriend has also once dated a corps member in times past. She catered for his welfare, he promised her marriage and immediately after service, that’s all. The relationship died for no just reason. This mentality is still boiling in her parent’s head against me—as if I am that corper. This year makes it three years I have I completed my NYSC, yet, I have not gone back home for one second, I am still here hustling. Is my having stayed this long not enough to convince them that I may not be a “date-and-run corper”?
Her mother, brothers, and sisters keep tormenting her with her past records with the corper each time she comes over to my place to pay me a visit. I have called them and tried enlightening that, that corper isn’t me and I am not that corper, but it’s all falling on deaf ears. At a point, I thought of letting her go, but she promised doing any of these two things if I try leaving her: kill herself or run away from the town, because she said she can’t wait to receive her parent/family’s mockery should I leave her.
Alright, since this is the case, while not stay away from boys so as to allow the love grow? You use boys as clothes to cover yourself whenever I am away and discharge them at the sight of my car headlight at night as I return from work.

3. The nature of the community: If you would ask me, where is Sodom and Gomorrah located, I would say it’s in this my community of abode—as women without numbers end up cheating on their husband freely. I don’t know if it is a charm or a curse on the women of this community. It is just too rampant. A lot of friends and well-wishers have warned me never to marry from this community, that adultery is in their blood right from the beginning of creation. Not quite long, it just happened between a married woman in my compound and her friend in my compound of stay again. I can count upto three of my very close friends who has lost their wives to this dirty act including the wife of my girlfriend’s elder brother—after giving birth to one child for him. This is producing a fear in my heart and now, the one I managed to love is behaving in a way that may not prove the people’s opinion about them to be wrong.

4. My tribal belief: I hail from the Urhobo speaking tribe of Delta state. Over here in Delta state, sex outside marriage/Adultery is a taboo. It kills faster than HIV AIDS. If a man’s wife commits adultery and return back home to cook for her husband, either the husband or the child the wife gave birth to would die, but nothing would happen to the woman, meaning my life or that of my children might be at risk should I continue with her, having discovered these dirty attitudes in her. 
5. My future Plans: Aunty, as you should have known, not all Nigerian youths are ready to move on with the current economic crisis that is rocking the country. Most Nigerian youths are planning to travel out of the country, just like me too. I will be clocking thirty by June 6, I believe I still have at least five years to hustle before beginning to bother myself about marriage, especially now that I am yet to secure a well-paid job.
The kind of hard hustle we the Nigerian youth hustle here in Naija, if we hustle it overseas, we will be a millionaire on our return back to Naija. Job or no job, I just want to go out and hustle for some years overseas, return back and marry the one who has stood by me throughout the thick and thin of life. There are several ready-for-marriage-girls out there that are even praying to hear “hello” from me in my town of stay. But I don’t give them my time because I still have a long way to go before thinking of marriage, just like my girlfriend too, because, she is still planning of going back to the university—as she is just a ‘school cert’ holder for the now. God helping me, if I could achieve my dream of travelling out, I believe she would have graduated before my return. Then, mine would be to come to Nigeria, marry her and take her abroad to stay with me, forever as a wife. But if I go on with those ready for marriage girls, I may lose my focus of travelling out as they may use pregnancy to tie me down, unlike my girl who is even scared of sex let alone unprotected sex. I must confess, I cannot conclude that she is having sex with those guys, because she hates sex with passion—even if she is squirting after foreplay—probably because she didn’t wanna be like her younger sister who has given birth even when she is yet to complete her secondary education or because she has once been a victim of rape. 
As a one time dirty life-styled guy, I know men’s tactics of getting girls to bed. My fear is, who knows whether after my travel from the country, that guys could lure her to having sex with them, get her pregnant, since she can’t do without boys around her, and make all I will be doing for her in future become a labour in vain?
6. Her attitude: Through her I have come to discover that there is a difference between being well-attitudinated and being caring. She is caring but not well attitudinated. She argues a lot. She doesn’t accept her being at fault. She believes I must be the one to apologize even if she is at fault. For every little quarrels, she is very aggressive and careless with the use of words without minding the hurtful feelings it creates on me. It makes me feel as if I am marrying someone who would bark on me and start gathering the attention of cotenants for justification of her acts in times to come after marrying her. And at the close of my work for the day, she sits down not minding whether I am around or not. Nothing like her coming to meet me by my car side and saying welcome as if we had a quarrel while the day lasted and there has NEVER been a night that I wouldn’t buy her presents.
She expects me to always be the one to always walk up to her and greet her after greeting her parents, and after greeting her, she wouldn’t even leave her sitting position until she sees that I am about to drive off with annoyance. If I conitue with her, I envisage myself coming back from work after marrying her, and seeing her fully glued to the television watching movies, without bordering about giving me cool hugs of welcome, let alone helping me to unbutton or off my clothes, which are what spark up romance in marriages.
Considering all these, I am beginning to have second thought of what has actually gone over me about why I loved her. Not that she is really beautiful unlike my exes( I am really very sorry for comparing her to my exes, for I know it’s wrong to do so). 
To cut a long story short, the relationship has currently hit the rock having caught her with a guy at night as I reported in the concluding paragraph of ‘number one’ above. I am very popular over here and almost everybody has known her and I as intending couples (even though she is still displaying questionable characters towards me). I am of the opinion that if I quietly break up with her and she ended up being impregnated by someone else, the parents would hold me responsible for the pregnancy.
To avoid this mess, I met her father this evening, explained everything to him and told him that I am out of her daughter’s life, and that should she be impregnated by any man, I should not be held accountable. That was my main aim of meeting him, NOT for reconciliation.
The father felt touched by my own version of the story, called on the daughter, she was nowhere to be found. The mother and sisters tried covering her up by saying she went to buy recharge card. The father sent me to where they sell card in the area and she wasn’t there. I returned and gave him feedback. Though the father didn’t ask her where she was coming from, but he promised talking to her and that I should come back tomorrow for feedback.
From my own study of his tone, I guessed he is seeking for reconciliation with his daughter, as I burst open to his hearing, my plans of buying her a sewing machine in a month’s time from now, and my plans of sending her back to school soonest. I don’t like counting my eggs before they hatch, but this time around, Aunty, I couldn’t help because I was thinking it’s over between the both of us.
LNow, I am envisaging her coming back to me with a mind of pretence to love me—when it would actually be to dupe me of those promises while she develops another new method/location of meeting with her multiple male friends at odd times of the night. I am not thinking of accepting her back to my life. I am not even thinking of honoring her father’s invitation for a reconsideration of the matter—but I know he would tag me as being rude to him, which is what I don’t want.
My question is: Should I honor his invitation? If yes, what should I say to let him know that I am no longer interested in his daughter without making him feel bad? Thank you in advance in anticipation for your candid and undiluted advice and that of your fans.

Thank you for taking your time to talk to me about your challenges and concerns in your relationship. 
I will try my possible best to share my thoughts and suggestions with you. 

Dating a young and naive girl comes with a huge sacrifices and a handful of experiences. It's a time in a lady's life when she wants to be in authority, explore love, infatuation, romance, friendship, fame, and attention. It is a time in a lady's life where she believes everything her heart tells her, listens to nobody, and follows only her passion. This is not the best time to approach a lady for a serious and a committed relationship because she will perceive it as being caged and being inconsiderate to her vibes. Though it feels good to catch them young, it's wise to go for a lady who is mentally mature and emotionally prepared for the kind of relationship you desire from a lady. 
So the question is... What exactly attracted you to her?
I don't want to spend so much time dissecting your mail since you have already made up your mind to move on with your life. 
Since you agreed to meet with her father the following day, I will suggest that you honor your word by meeting with him. When you meet with him, have it at the back of your mind that his suggestion and opinions are not binding on you, nor should you think of doing anything to impress him. 
When he's done with his opinions and suggestions, let him know that you will pray and think about it, then move on with your life. 
Quit communicating with her or her family, focus on developing yourself and investing in your future, and go for a lady who will respect you and your emotions as a man.


  1. Guy i ve been ur shoes once and understood ur feelings perfectly. In as much as I believe u ve tried to ignore her bad attitude n concentrate on making her to be a beta n luvin wife/partner of ur taste wic she's nt reciprocating"I suggest u leave her alone and struggle to build a beta n brighter future 4ursef.

    Has spoken his Mind

  2. Marry someone who will give you PEACE OF MIND. No time to waste chasing shadows! #qdDOWNLOADS


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