Monday, May 1, 2017

Should I Wait for my First Love or Marry One Who is Financially Capable?

Good day ma,
I have been in a relationship for six to seven years now. I met this guy when I was about to enter the university. The guy in question is nice and loveable; gives me so much attention (maybe because he wasn’t doing anything serious), he’s unemployed (he's a graduate) but does supplies in one company. He lives in their family house built by his dad, I am 25 years old now, met him when I was tender, 19 years old, he’s my first, I was quite young so I didn’t know what I wanted in a man (but I know I like advance and mature men, talking about age wise, he’s is 42 years now).
My upkeep and bills was solely on my parents. I never told my parents about my relationship, in facts; he doesn't exist to them because I kept it away from them cos I don’t think they will encourage it.
He doesn’t send me money unless when I go visiting him, he will just give me little money for my transport, the only time he gave me reasonable amount of money was on two or three occasions, one of it was ₦15,000 for my final year project.
The supply work was not steady, I was pressuring him to go into business like other graduate do when they don’t get a job after school or acquiring extra skill that can fetch him some other opportunities or anything like trading etc so that he can meet up to his responsibilities as a man but he’s bent on working in a company/politics related job/post, hoping on the connection he has with friends that promise to get him one.
After six years, he later got a job in October 2014, his salary was ₦100,000 - ₦110,000,
 which lasted for just one year of which he lost it in September 2015.
Till now he has no job but within that time he was working he was able to buy a car he's using for shuttle (commercial taxi only in the evening hours, from 5-10pm).
The little he gets from the shuttle he uses it for upkeep in the family house; electricity bill, food, maintenance and others, after which nothing is left for me or my bills let alone getting married to me and raising a family with him.
He said something about me staying with him in their family house after getting married so that he will be able to plan to buy a land to build a house, but I bluntly refused the idea of living in the family house with some of his siblings, parents, and sharing the kitchen with his mum to avoid trouble, I insisted we rent a house that’s where the financial issue comes in.
The problem now is I met another guy that wants to marry me and he’s good from the little I have known him and has the means to marry and raise a family. He’s 38 years old, from my tribe (Igbo) and state, he’s into business and doing well, but he wants the marriage rite to commence immediately.
I met him in May this year after my NYSC orientation camp on Facebook and he came to see me after two or three days of chatting me up, we discussed and he told me his intentions towards me.
He has come to see my parents to tell them too, but my parent are still running a check on his family background as tradition demands so that he will be given a date within this month for introduction.
Ma I’m confused whether to wait for the first guy because we have come a long way in this relationship (seven years), and I think I like/love him maybe because I’m fond and use to him, he’s pleading with me to wait for him that he will soon get another job to marry me or to marry the second guy who is ready and has the capacity to foot the bills and responsibilities that comes with marriage while I get a job after NYSC or something doing to support myself and family.

I quite understand the complexity of your mail and your relationship with these men but I feel that there is a need for you to evaluate things critically and make your decision not based on who has the financial means and capacity for marriage but based on the personality and character of the individual you wish to spend your life with. 
A man who supplies goods to a company is not unemployed rather he's self employed. I understand that your relationship with him was borne out of your youthful fantasies for love, romance and affection. However you will not blame your youth for your relationship with him seven years after you met him. 
According to you, he has been there for you, maybe not giving you all the huge money that you craved for, but he has demonstrated his commitment to you and the relationship all these years. 
I may have some reservation for his vision and plan in life especially with respect to his age, but I don't think that it is a dead case all together. If you really like/love him or have grown to love him with his imperfections, maybe you shouldn't focus on his financial inadequacies, rather you should focus more on helping him grow in all areas of his endeavors by offering suggestions ideas and opportunities that he can maximize to enable him meet up with his responsibilities as a man. 
But where you feel that continuing with him may not be in your best interest, especially considering that he doesn't have a clearcut plans for himself and his future, please be kind enough to terminate the relationship before venturing into another one. 
The tone of your mail suggests that you are more concerned with getting married than you are with the personality of the individual you are getting married to. 
As much as it doesn't matter where you meet your partner, there is a need for you to take your time to establish friendship with your partner before considering marriage with him. 
You are the person who knows exactly what you are looking for and what you desire in your partner, but please do not be in a hurry to jump into marriage without taking your time to understand the personality behind his intentions. 
I won't encourage you waste your life and time with a man who doesn't have a clear vision for himself and his family, but I will also not encourage you to jump into marriage with a man who may be interested in marrying you but may not possess the attributes you desire in your husband. 
Take your time, pray for direction, and allow God to guide your footsteps in your decision to avoid making a decision you may regret for the rest of your life.

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