Thursday, June 8, 2017

I Am in Shock and Deep Pain!

Blessings to you ma, may God continue to bless the work of your hands. As I write to you, am still in serious shock, my heart has not stopped to tremble, am in deep pains. My story is complicated, I do not know were to start.
Am in my late twenties, I met this guy through an uncle that is distant who is related to my mom. This uncle of mine lives with my guy in the same house. We started talking well and he proposed, before he did, I told him the problem my mom was having with her family, he promised to assist and ensure peace comes back.
This my uncle(my mom's younger brother) that introduced me to him and my mom have been having serious issues, I never imagined but the hate he has for her makes me tremble, how did I know this? I called him as things were working out for the better between me and the guy to thank and appreciate him, he told me my mom is a horrible person, that if I know what is good for me, I should denounce her, forget every thing about her, and start building my own home because involving my mom in my life will ruin everything for me, that if he tells my guy stories about my mom, that he may never wish to continue with the marriage.
I was dumbfounded. This is a woman that has been through thick and thin, trained me through school and ensured I became somebody in life, this my uncle has never contributed anything to my development. I kept this to myself, and I continued to pray to God to bring peace.
The guy has come and paid my bride prize, you know why I allowed this to this extent, I believed so much in him to help me bring peace to my mom's family. After the bride price was paid, that night he began to tremble, he was angry with my uncle who was his friend, and no one from my mom's family came for my bride prize ceremony even as they were informed.
He told me he never knew it was to this extent, that he is finding so hard to handle. He was hating my mom, and told me he had fears I may be like her in future, that he doesn't wish to be a divorcee.
How do I bare my heart for this guy to see how genuinely I love him and ready to do anything for him? This is a guy I had to forfeit other men that was coming for me for. Each time I bring up my mom, he gets irritated and ignores me.
What does he want me to do? Abandon a woman that has almost given her life for me? I do not understand what he wants me to do. Even if my mom has done wrong, she is still the only mom I have who has never done me wrong. Right now we don't talk, I have tried calling severally, he doesn't pick my calls, I have texted him begging him to forgive me if I have wronged him, yet he has said nothing to me for two days now. I do not know what to do, tell me what to do ma,my heart is really breaking out. I have truly fallen in love for him.


I may not know exactly the wrong your mother did to his younger brother but the magnitude of hatred he has against your mum is actually offensive and disturbing.

I am not here to defend your mother or your uncle but I feel that your uncle's perception of your mother is enough to discourage any man from getting married to you.

This is one of the reasons why you shouldn't have considered dating a man who is close to him. The painful truth is that whatever he told you, that young man is already aware of it and that is exactly what he is acting on now. A mature uncle will not/never expose such a hatred to his own niece no matter what went wrong. 

Secondly I feel or fear that your uncle has a loose mouth which will make him share the same issues with this young man thereby poisoning his heart even before meeting with you or your mum. 

Every individual has some form of weakness, and every family has their fair share of challenges and limitations, and that shouldn't be the reason for your husband to conclude that you will end up like your mother. 

At this point, you don't need to prove anything or beg to be loved or accepted. He needs to make this decision with his own conscience. He has heard it all and has seen part of it too. If he feels that you are not the kind of a woman he needs, he should at least open up and collect the bride prize so that you can move on with your life. 

You don't need to apologize for the errors you know nothing about. You don't need to be punished for the weaknesses of your mother. She's a human not a demon and I believe that she has her own shortcomings. 

Use this opportunity to get closer to your mother, and find out exactly what happened with his family. Be as open as you can so that you will learn what transpired. This will help you in your future relationships and also help you make amends in your own journey. 

Personally I don't feel that it's safe for you to continue this marriage with him, but I know that you are deeply in love with him and wouldn't want to let go. 

I will suggest that you give him some space and time to figure out what he want and give him time to decide whether you are good enough for him. Don't push it, don't panic, don't plead, and don't put yourself under pressure. 

Marriage is a choice not a favour, and if he's not comfortable with you, respect his decision and move on with your life. 
You will cry, shed tears and feel broken but you will heal and find love again. 

God is still faithful to bless you with your own man, don't fight for one who is not convinced of what he need in a lady. Let God have his way, and allow God to take control where your efforts can't get you any solution.

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