How Do I Loosen my Heart to Love?

Good day ma. My story is a lengthy one but please bear with me. I have been in only one serious relationship before and that was in my first and second year in the university.

When I was in my first year, I swore to keep my virginity for my hubby but somehow I found myself engaging in sex with my boyfriend.

Despite all the ill ways he treated me, I didn't want to leave because he had already deflowered me. It however got too much and I had no choice but to receive sense. This was a guy that wanted to marry me in my second year but I told him to wait till my final year.

At a stage, the relationship became very toxic. He turned from the angel I first knew to a devil. I am the type that can never be unfaithful in a relationship but he never trusted me and would insult and even beat me up over people I don't even know or have anything to do with.

I suffered many things in his hands and after I summoned the courage to leave, I discovered that my heart has been turned to stone towards guys.

I believe in love and long lasting marriages but all my belief ends in my mouth. I find it difficult to be self sacrificing, trusting or to give my all in a relationship. 

The thing now is, even if am in a relationship, I cannot give my all at all to that relationship. Even sex sef, I cannot give especially when I don't trust him enough. I feel that it's bad enough that i'm not a virgin but for me to now start sharing my southern hemisphere with a guy that I don't trust all in the name of relationship and at the end he will still leave me is not worth it.

It seems as if I am becoming too wise for my own good cos I don't believe anything a guy says. Even if my boyfriend breaks up with me, it's not even my business. I want to love and give love but it's becoming almost impossible by the day.

It's even affecting my character cos most guys that don't really know me think I am just a bitter girl. I'm too cautious and even when I love, I build walls around my heart such that he is free to say he is not interested and I won't blink twice despite the fact that I love him oh.

There's a guy that is interested in me now. I know he is not perfect and he do beg me to just try and love him at least. I have been treating him very bad since this year while other girls are being very nice. He still showers me with love despite the fact that it is not being reciprocated.

He clocked 30 last month. I like and admire him for his many good attributes, even though I know his shortcomings. He flirts with girls sometimes and even sleep with them though he said if I can just get serious with him, he will quit cos he does all that because of loneliness.

Please, how do I loosen my heart to love truly again? Cos I keep insisting that no guy or boyfriend deserves that except my husband. Please, advice me. Thanks and God bless!

The sincere truth is that you are bitter and terrified within. Your ex succeeded in breaking the beautiful lady in you and turned you into a fighter who doesn't have any peace within. 

You need some time to heal from your hurt and torture from your previous relationship. Losing your virginity wasn't the tragic thing that happened to you, but being battered, abused, and manipulated by the very man who you gave your all to. 

First thing you should consciously do is forgive him, and then release him from your mind. Then take your time to build a healthy friendship with men devoid of your southern hemisphere. 

Don't be under pressure to enter in a relationship until you have figured out who you are, what you want, and what you wish to achieve in life and marriage. 

If it is possible, I will suggest that you give yourself some time to heal before venturing into a relationship, but that's just my opinion. 

A man who cheats on you because he's lonely will most likely cheat on you even if you give him sex, because sex doesn't heal loneliness. 

If you feel that a flirt and a casanova is your best choice, then give him some time to bring you up to speed, but remember that your presence won't stop him from improving in his game. Also, there is no guarantee that he will end up with you, because to a player, the land is green and there's no need for commitment. 

I hope that you take your time to make your choice, and avoid regrets in the future.