Friday, January 5, 2018

Should I Terminate my Marriage to avoid Regrets in Future?

Hello ma....happy new year. Ma, God bless you for giving solutions to people's problems.... Ma, please I need your advice and that of the house...
I am so confused, I don't know what to do. I feel, I changed my destiny. We met one Christmas period, we never dated because of distance, we only talked on phone and he was nice and good.
As time went on, I got a little job which never gave me time but I managed to visit him once and I noticed some fault which I thought I will condole.
He proposed and I accepted, they came for introduction and collected list. I visited again, also experienced some vital issues, like drunkenness, not romantic and moody.
I later told him that I was no longer interested  cos within me I can't handle such habits but he reported to my sisters and they preached to me, of which I later accepted out of fear and he started his wedding plans.
But then, I was already in love with someone, and I truly love him and he always wanted me to accept his proposal, but I refused cos of the first person (my hubby). 
Wedding and traditional marriage date were fixed and done, but no bride price was paid cos I was pregnant.
After the wedding, I went for pregnancy test, but the scan was showing a different date to our calculations, meaning that the pregnancy was for the second guy.
We argued on it that day but later settled. I delivered (a boy) to the glory of God but the baby isn't his.
Actually I was guilty. He was disappointed, he called me names, I pleaded on my knees for forgiveness and he said that the baby can never be his first son.
On hearing this, I demanded to leave, he said he will come after me if I did. We later reconciled but the mark is stil there.
I supported him financially with my life savings. Initially he hardly carry or smile for the baby but he provides for us. He added to his drinking habit, keeps late-night and so on.
We quarrel several times and I have had heart to heart discussion with him about these habits, instead he feels sorry today and tommorw he's worse of.
NB: I hate drunkenness with passion, he loves me actually, monitors my phone now and then and I feel untrusted. 

My feelings are failing by the day, I feel unsecured, that in future he might stigmatize the baby cos the other day he said "for how long can he continue faking his life?"
I want him to be happy again to avoid heartbreak in future.
The baby is some months now and I want to leave now instead of regretting in the future. Please I need your sincere advice, can he fight me legally since the bride price is not yet paid or sort it out amicably? How do I handle it to avoid further issues. Thank you ma.

The first thing you need to do is to accept responsibility for your decision/choice in your marriage. As much as you may want to blame your sisters and family for their role in convincing you to marry your husband, you decided to marry him because you felt that he was the best choice amongst the two. 
Now, it will be unfair for you to impose another man's child on him, and at the same time expect him to give your son all privileges he has for his son.
The real truth is that your son is not/and will never be his first son/child, but if he decides to accept/accommodate and at the same time make him his son, then he will have all those privileges you desire for him. 
That said, there is a need for you to discuss with him extensively, devoid of sentiments, and then make your decision known to him. 
The truth is that your husband may find it difficult to trust you, believe you, or even forgive you, as long as he sees your son and he is married to you. 
And that alone will make you feel guilty and emotionally depressed as long as you are with him. 
So both of you need to mop up the mess and decide which path is best for you at this point in your marriage. 
It's no longer about whether he loves you or not, but whether he can bury this and forge ahead with you. It is a decision of whether he is willing to accommodate you and your beautiful son with the attendant reality that his presence will bring to your marriage. 
This is because your child also has the right to know who his true father is, and your husband has no right to claim him as his son nor do you have the right to transfer him to your husband as his son. 
It is not just about saving faces but about facing the reality as it is in your marriage. Both of you need to sit down and evaluate your options, and please don't be sentimental about it. If both of you can't deal with it, then there is no need holding unto the marriage. 
His drunk, unromantic and moody habits is not necessarily the major challenge in your marriage, rather it is forging ahead with a son that is truly not his, and attendant challenges that may arise in the future as a result of your decision in your marriage. 
It's also important to note that the father of your child may not wish to marry you anymore, so do not have so much expectation when making your decision. 
This decision is about your sanity, your peace of mind, and the happiness of your son, and it has absolutely nothing to do with anything else. 
I know that it's a difficult situation but you need to face it with maturity, wisdom and sincerity of heart. 
The outcome of your discussion with him will determine to a greater extent your next line of action. 
I wish you all the best.

1 comment:

  1. My husband and i got Married last year and we have been living happily for a while. We used to be free with everything and never kept any secret from each other until recently everything changed when he got a new Job in NewYork 2 months ago.He has been avoiding my calls and told me he is working,i got suspicious when i saw a comment of a woman on his Facebook Picture and the way he replied her. I asked my husband about it and he told me that she is co-worker in his organization,We had a big argument and he has not been picking my calls,this went on for long until one day i decided to notify my friend about this and that was how she introduced me to Mr James( a Private Investigator  who helped her when she was having issues with her Husband. I never believed he could do it but until i gave him my husbands Mobile phone number. He proved to me by hacking into my husbands phone. where i found so many evidence and  proof in his Text messages, Emails and pictures that my husband has an affairs with another woman.i have sent all the evidence to our lawyer.I just want to thank Mr James for helping me because i have all the evidence against my Husband  in court.


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