Thursday, February 1, 2018

Why Didn't God Save my Husband from Dying?

I met my late husband in 2015, he was such a good man: caring, loving, and very helpful. He always referred to me as a "special gift from God to him". He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I was soo much in love with him, and I knew he loved me too.
We got married in 2016 and life was perfect, I couldn't ask for anything more. I got pregnant in April of that year but lost it. I tried again in June but was diagnosed with blighted ovum so had do evacuation. It was a very difficult moment for us, but we sailed through. I was advised to wait for at least three months before trying again. My husband was very supportive and caring.
Unfortunately, he started experiencing severe headaches, and was later diagnosed with brain tumor after several investigations in December of that same year.
Words cannot describe how I felt on that day. We started with treatment and preparation towards surgery which was very expensive and drained us out financially. The surgeon explained to us that because of the location of the tumor, he(my husband) will either be blind or paralyzed after the surgery.
Aunty, I am just 27 years, married for barely a year and all that information was too much for me to bear. I was heartbroken and cried everyday. I prayed like never before, I fasted.
I was virtually at every prayer house and carried out different directions from men of God which also drained me out physically and financially. But God chose not to listen to my prayers.
My husband's condition deteriorated rapidly, and I had to watch my once energetic, youthful, and loving husband reduced to nothing. He became a bag of bones, incontinent, disoriented and paralyzed. He couldn't even remember me.
The pain I felt upon seeing him everyday was out of this world. We were referred to the palliative care team. Knowing that my husband was about to die was overwhelming for me, and I felt abandoned by God.
I decided to commit suicide but was caught in the process by a family member, and was resuscitated and referred to see a Psychologist whom am stilll seeing.
My husband passed away mid last year. He was just in his early thirties. I felt my world had just ended. I was told the pain will reduce with time, but that is not so.
The pain becomes unbearable with each passing day. I can't take it anymore. Why will God allow me to go through this pain? Why will He choose to answer some peoples prayers and leave others to their fate?
Have I offended Him that he cannot forgive, why didn't he save my husband and allowed him to go through a painful death?
I know He could have saved him if he wanted to, but He chose not to. I have resumed work but it's not been easy, can't concentrate and I cry all day.
I feel useless, hopeless and a failure. I don't know how to continue living. I just want to end it all. I want to know how people cope with the loss of a loved one.
I hate it when people tell me I will love again. I don't want to, I just wanted him. I am dying everyday, please help me.

Your mail broke me down, and I am short of words to imagine how you wake up every day staring at your own reality, pain, unanswered questions, regrets, anger, and disappointments that you experience as a result of your marital experience. 
You see, not everybody will understand what you are going through, though they may claim that they do. Nobody can see through your eyes of sorrow, heart of pain, and breath of loneliness that has gripped your beautiful life. Everything happened so fast that it simply makes you feel that God was simply wicked not to have intervened. 
But at this point in your journey, we cannot question what we can't control, we cannot understand what is beyond our vision, and we cannot explain what we have no idea why they happened. 
If God was sitting in front of you, I know that you will fight him to bring your husband back to life. But you see, the devil struck, with intention to destroy your life. Satan saw how beautiful your world was with him, but chose to strike him with a tumor. 
God could save him, instead of taking him, but God is wiser than humanity to tell which was best for him at that time. Leaving him to suffer pain and weakness of his body wouldn't have been the best He could do for his son. 
It must have been a difficult decision for God himself, knowing how much you loved him, but I have a feeling that He took him not because He's wicked, but because your husband was struck by the devil to bring shame to God's kingdom and to your beautiful home, but God saw far ahead of the devil and chose to take him to paradise, where there is no death, pain or sorrow. 
If your husband was alive, he would definitely desire you to be happy, hopeful, and full of life. He would definitely love you to bits, and give you the best that life can offer to him. 
He would genuinely listen to your concerns and assist you in his own way. He would be your friend, companion, and playmate, and make sure you lack nothing that you need. 
But when the pain and weakness of body failed him, he was taken to heaven, so that he can find rest in God's bosom. 
God may not have been wicked, because he felt his pain much more than you could imagine, he felt his struggle much more than you could believe, and he knew that his challenge will definitely overwhelm you, should he leave him on earth. 
So please, if you need to forgive God, please do, and always remember, that He is a loving father who genuinely cares about our needs, and sincerely desires to give us the best as his children. 
Moving on from the death of a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences in human existence. Trying to accept that there is a part of our world that has been broken is not an easy experience, and there is no better way to handle it than to walk in your own path, and accept your own reality of life. 
Sometimes, the people we felt would be helpful may end up making us feel worse because they have no idea what our pain feels like. 
Whenever you feel down or feel like giving up or taking your life, always remember that you gave your all when he was with you. Though you shared few days with him, but you never spared a moment to let him know how much you loved and cared for him. 
It is a phase that will have a huge impact in your journey and world. It is an experience that will shake your conviction and perception of the world and life in general. 
Whether you will fall in love is not the issue here, what you need at this moment is time to heal, to put yourself together, and then receive the strength you need to live again. 
This is your weakest moment, and any decision you make now will most likely hurt you or your loved ones. Please, remember that there is so much in you which is of a blessing to humanity. 
You are too strong to give up everything you invested in to become who you are today. You have all you need to grow beyond your pain and heartbreak. 
Please allow yourself to grieve, to cry, to wail, and to connect with your emotions. Whatever you feel will help your grieving process, please get them, and whatever may negatively affect your state of mind at this moment, please avoid them. 
I hope to share these moments with you, I hope to be your friend, to offer my shoulder to you when you need someone. 
If that will be okay with you, then I am always available for you. Thank you for reaching out to me, I hope to be a friend/family you can count on when you can't make sense of everything.


  1. Dear poster, your story broke my heart, but I want to you know that there are people who have been through much more than yours and God saw them through. If I begin to narrate my life story to you, I don't think you can bear it, I am a man who have been through pains, disappointments and all kinds of humiliations unspeakable. Here is what William Cowper wrote when God delivered him from committing suicide:

    God moves in a mysterious way
    His wonders to perform;
    He plants His footsteps in the sea
    And rides upon the storm.
    Deep in unfathomable mines
    Of never failing skill
    He treasures up His bright designs
    And works His sov’reign will.
    Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
    The clouds ye so much dread
    Are big with mercy and shall break
    In blessings on your head.
    Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
    But trust Him for His grace;
    Behind a frowning providence
    He hides a smiling face.
    His purposes will ripen fast,
    Unfolding every hour;
    The bud may have a bitter taste,
    But sweet will be the flow’r.
    Blind unbelief is sure to err
    And scan His work in vain;
    God is His own interpreter,
    And He will make it plain.

    Allow God to heal you.

  2. Let me lead you into my world a bit. . .
    If you were born and never knew your dad for one day even asked your mother severally but she never disclosed it.
    You grew up in the house of grannies and was abused sexually several times by your uncles but you couldn't reach out to anybody for help.
    You couldn't get a decent job because you weren't able to get a university certificate.
    You became sex toy for men because you're so vulnerable and needed to feel loved by all means.
    At the end of the day, you became pregnant with an unwanted child and had nothing to cater for the coming child. Managed to have shelter over your head but no food and proper medical care. You're alone because you ran away from home to lessen the shame and disgrace that will be given to you.
    You've cried, cried and prayed, prayed and prayed for help yet it seems heaven is closed. The pain is nothing to write home about my dear but I promised myself never to take my life cos I didn't give myself the said life.

    Why sharing my story with you? I need you to cry as much as you can and forge ahead. Believe me, your late husband will be so sad and disappointed with you seeing you in this condition so you have to stop already.
    When life happens, you're left with no other option than to smile and move on.

    Better days are ahead (Nke di na iru ka mma).

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