Saturday, May 7, 2016

How Do I Express my Displeasure Politely?

Good morning ma, something is really eating me up and I want to know the best way to handle it.
I got engaged three months ago(in February) and will be married by December {by God's grace}. The main issue now is that my fiancée just told me this morning that once he gets a bigger apartment, his mum will stay with him permanently. This is something he never hinted before. I'm not against her staying, but for him to just make that kind of decision without seeking my opinion {before now, he seeks my opinion on most things before he concludes}. I did not say anything when he said it because I might say the wrong thing, but I'm not comfortable with it. Please how should I politely tell without hurting his feelings.
He's not the only son, he has an elder brother who is married{Mama stayed with them for a while}. But his wife and Mama are not in good terms and Mama is presently staying with her siblings. Mama doesn't overlook things, she always talk/complains even about things that doesn't concern her{my fiancée told me that himself, and I have to be patient with her}.
I'm somehow scared now because I prefer it if she visits once in a while than for her to stay permanently. I want the love and respect I have for her to grow stronger{which might be difficult to achieve if she's always around to complain about my faults}.
Dear Aunty, please help me out{I want to address the issue with him as soon as possible}. Thanks


I was also astonished when I read your mail because it was an indication that he may not wish to work with you on some very sensitive issues as this. 
Knowing that any decision he makes will have a direct or indirect consequences on your relationship with him and his mother, he ought to at least let you know his thoughts and plans and seek for your opinion no matter how irrelevant that might be. Going all out, dishing out his decision as laws will only make you feel lonely and withdrawn in your your home. 
Talk to him and first appreciate that he informed you of his decision, then let him know that he could have sought for your opinion before deciding on that, knowing that after wedding, both of you ought to have some time alone to enable you settle down with him and organise your home. Let him know that you are so excited to have his mother come and join you (though it's sarcastic, pretend to be excited), but that you felt that it should be planned before bringing her to his house. 
Then ask him what really made him to arrive at such a hasty decision. Find out if there were some family issues which he's trying to solve, find out if there's any pressure or concerns that he's dealing with, find out what he's trying to avoid or what he's trying to hide by bringing her to his house. 
When he's done, then you may let him know that you suggest that she comes around and goes back at will but that staying permanently may not be so favourable for both of you. Let him see through your heart that you are not attacking his mother but trying to make his burden easier and make your marriage less complicated by involving many third parties in his marriage. 
Plead with him to reconsider another alternative to bringing her here, instead of bringing her to stay with him permanently, he can consider sending a monthly allowance for her and inviting her occasionally. 
It's just not healthy for new couples to entertain so many third parties but where it's unavoidable, both couples must sit down and plan how to accommodate the third parties to avoid hurting the egos and the feelings of the partners involved or destroying your own marriage. 
You also need to pray and ask God to reveal the personality behind your fiancée to avoid getting married to a nice man who doesn't see you as part of his journey and life. 
The outcome of your discussion will determine what next to do, you may keep me posted on any new development with respect to this. 

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