Please my tale is quite long, just consider me cos I really want to be explicit enough so I can get genuine advise. Thanks.
I'm 28 and in a relationship with a guy of 34. The issue is I'm not finding happiness and fulfillment in this love affair.
We've been going out for a year and three months now. I'm a very romantic and emotional person even though I don't fancy a sexual relationship but I acknowledge a peck, holding of hands, resting on my man's shoulders and the likes of two love birds that are dating.
Well, my guy is a direct opposite of all these. We don't even maintain eye contact when we gist of which I always initiate the topic of dicussion otherwise our dates wouldn't be lively. He prefers to be looking away or to the ground. Not even a hand shake or he holding my hand or touching my hair or face for once.
I understand he is the shy type but I have talked to him about it that even if he is the shy type; he shouldn't be to me his girl. At first I thought it was because were getting to know ourselves more then and with time he would loosen up but it's still same and it isn't his first relationship either.
I decided to start teaching him how he should be treating me by doing/showing him those things he ought to be doing to me by first calling him "dear, sweetheart" cos he doesn't even have a pet name for me. 'He hasn't even called me by my name once for the one year plus we have been dating.'....
I was happy when I noticed he adjusted in that angle by calling me "dear" for four consecutive times over the phone whenever he calls after I have been calling him same for two weeks. I decided to stop to see if he would maintain it and he just stopped too.
There was a time when I needed money to register for a skill acquisition program. He helped with what he had and I had to complete it. Up till now he hasn't ask me whether I had actually completed the money or whether I had started the program or not. (Of course I have started and will soon be rounding up).
He would just call and ask how I'm doing and that's it. His calls are so cold that one can predict what he would say whenever he calls.
These attitudes of his make me not to miss him whenever he is away to his place of work. He works outside the city where we both stays but the same state. I don't long for his call or his coming.
I don't have the courage to introduce him to my friends/siblings cos I fear he might embarrass me. The last time I introduced him to my younger brother I was so ashamed cos he was just trembling and couldn't talk.
He knows my place of residence but I don't know his. Yea we always meet out. When I talk to him about it, he said his apartment isn't in good shape that's why he hasn't been courageous to take me there.
Well, I told him I don't mind that even if I have to sit on the floor, I just have to know where my guy stays. He is yet to take me there as he isn't back from his place of work. Even though he was around last month, we couldn't even see.
The last incident that really made me feel lonely even though I'm in a relationship was when I had to cut my hair. I told him before I did. Seeing me for the first time on my new hair cut when he came to the city, from the town where he works, I expected him to comment on my new look.
You know something like "oh you really told me you were going to cut your hair or I prefer you more on weave"....just anything but he didn't say a word. It was like he didn't notice.
I later had to ask him if he didn't notice my new look, it was then he said he was about talking about it and it ended there. He still didn't say anything remarkable.
I don't want to believe he seeing someone else cos he doesn't entertain a sexual relationship himself and he is financially unstable for now and so don't think he might have another affair. I can bet on that.
I'm worried that if I eventually get married to him, is that how I will keep telling him what to do or say. I don't want a man I will be ordering around. I like my man to take the lead. To be the man.
Besides all these non-chalant/uncaring attitude of his, he is a nice guy. But my boyfriend is too timid, rigid and uncaring and insenstive to my feelings and being an emotional, sensitive and a romantic person, I'm not happy.
To me, it's like I'm not in a relationship. I know there are women who will gladly accept such man of his kind.
I'm just confused. I don't want to look too choosy.
Sweetheart,
I perfectly understood all you said and one truth is that your feelings are always right irrespective of people's perception or opinions.
This man from your mail isn't as exposed to understanding your emotions and personality and he's a man who perhaps as a result of his upbringing, and exposures to life and opinions of others about him doesn't see anything exciting about himself or have the freedom to express himself.
He's constantly afraid to say something because he fears being misunderstood and abused by others.
He's someone who's too careful to make mistakes and too fearful to be corrected or assisted by someone .
This may not necessarily be who he is within but maybe what circumstances have infused into his personality.
This is where your love for him is being put to test. It doesn't matter whether you will end up with him or not but what matters is what impact your presence will make in his life.
You were kind enough to mention his flaws and weaknesses.
I will be kind enough to help you with some tips and tricks to get him out of the shelf and encourage him to express himself.
Start with appreciating his personality and the things you adore or admire about him.
Do not just make assumptions about his shyness, dig deeper into his past and his upbringing.
Get interested in him and let him know that you truly care to know more about him.
His past, his fears and his vision.
From there, find out how he relaxes and unwind and what brings out the better part of him.
Emotions glow with the things that brings joy and happiness to our soul.
In your quest to understand his personality, you will find answers to some of the things that have been troubling your heart and at the same time will be infusing healing process in his personality and vision in life.
When you could have gotten the basics, then you may need to take him to events, occasions where he will be exposed and he will be free to at least smile no matter how little his giggle.
When he's relaxed and elated, you can create the atmosphere to help him understand that what you need isn't good morning Amara, good afternoon and good night and then terminating the call.
Help him to realise that he owe you the truth about his personality and his residence if he truly respects your emotions and appreciates your personality.
Give more of your heart and at this time expect nothing from him but let your focus be to help this young man overcome the trauma of fears and public phobia or is it phobia for your boobs but then again I'm thinking how did he toast you?
Give him some time dear and strengthen your communication skills so that it will rub off on him gradually.
Do not get paranoid because it's possible that nobody ever told him of his attitude and personality flaws and that has made him feel that he's all good and great for any lady.
All you listed are very important for you to have a good chemistry with him and when it's missing in your relationship, then you may be in a bondage that you may end up regretting for the rest of your life.
The real question is, how much do you really love him and how much are you willing to endure or let go to help him become the kind of a man you will be proud of or will take to the alter.
The funny truth is that every man was at one point in their life as clueless and naive about meeting the needs of a lady as your partner is.
For some their center of concentration was the boobs and any other thing was simply a nuisance but it took a lady to help them understand the difference between I love you and I care about you.
If you feel that your presence cannot be of help in overcoming his weaknesses and you will not be happy with him in the future or you do not see the future with him, then kindly tell him your decision and leave him.
I know that it's a huge task but it's not something that is impossible for a loving heart.
With your commitment, trainings, seminars and expositions and prayers. I believe that he will not remain that way.
But then again, it's up to you and what you feel is the best for you.
You're not being choosy because you are being honest about the things you can endure or tolerate in a partner and marriage because after wedding, you may not have an open check to decide on what to do.
But before you take a decision, kindly seek the face of God and pour your heart on him and seek for his direction because sometimes treasures do come in earthen vessels.
Do not be in a haste to leave unless you are convinced that he's not the one your heart desires to grow in love with.
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