Sunday, February 21, 2016

I'm Drowning in my Emotions!

Hello Aunty Amara, I have to say that you are doing an amazing job of improving the lives of many people through this forum, and for this, I say well done . I am writing to you about an issue that has bugged me for so long a time and I would love to get your opinion and that of your wonderful readers. This is going to be a very lengthy write up, so, I beg of you to exercise patience and read to the end. My story goes this way;
I had an issue as a child. I was molested on and off for a period of seven years by three different men (neighbor,  primary school teacher and cousin) starting from when I was 5 years to 13 years. I wouldn't say I was a timid child, from the discussions I had with my mum, I was quiet, even curious but never timid.
It started with the neighbor (it's amazing how kids tend not to forget terrible things that happened to them). I can't really remember the details of my first encounter, but I can vividly remember that I used to end up in his room and he would finger me with long nails and it was so painful. Thinking about it, I don't know why I always ended up in his room, but I can say he had this sweet way with kids and practically every parent in that compound trusted him with their children. It didn't feel right, but I could not really explain what was happening. Well, "the whole thing" continued till he parked out of the compound.
Then, when I was in primary three(I was about seven or there about ), my teacher who was supposed to be in charge of our welfare, decided to single five girls whom he chose to molest. He would either send his culprit for the day to the bathroom or kitchen and then goes to meet the the child there and proceed with whatever he had in mind for that day. It was really frustrating. I would not forget this particular day; he tried touching me in class and I resisted. He was surprised, because I had never resisted him. He came again and I not only resisted, but I spilled my pen's ink on his white shirt. You wouldn't imagine the joy I felt. The look on his face was unbelievable. He told me to stay back after school hours and he threatened me with these words: "P, if you do not let me touch you, I would make sure the first position is taken away from you and given to another"(Now, coming back home without the first position was a huge problem). I smiled, looked at him and left.
True to his words, I didn't come first. But that didn't matter to me, what mattered most was that I stood up to him and it felt good. I can remember taking my result home and my mum said "do you think your dad will be happy with your performance? Because he won't be". I can remember saying within me if only you knew mum, if only you knew, then you would be proud of your daughter. I could not relate my ordeals to my parents because I was scared. There was this expectations I had to fill and I didn't want to appear as the child who already knew so much about things she shouldn't know.
My father was a great disciplinary and I just didn't know how he would react. I knew he loved us and wanted the best for all his kids and I didn't want to disappoint him. Moreover, things where not financially wonderful for us, and I didn't want to bother my parents with my issue. I saw how hard it was for them. Thinking about it now, I know my father would have killed them if he in anyway had known about these. Well, Mr primary three teacher continued with his atrocities until he was discovered by the school and sacked. I think the school didn't want to report him to the police because they also had their image to protect .
At about that time, my maternal cousin came to stay with us. There was something about him, that I couldn't place, but I knew I didn't like him and I could not explain why. And after staying awhile with us, he started touching me, the whole process repeating it self, this time, he tried forceful penetration repeatedly, but each time, he couldn't. I was dying deep down and couldn't take it. I resorted to suicide by jumping off a story building at just 9. I can remember the fear in my parents eyes and how badly they were affected. Deep down, I promised never to hurt them that way anymore. After recovering, and going back home, the molestation(fingering, touching and sucking my breast, slight penetration, and a lot of other things) continued but then, I learnt to start accepting it and also long for it. The older I got, the more I wanted. I willingly went to my cousin anywhere, anyplace. If he wasn't around, I went to anyone who was willing to touch me. It didn't feel good,nor okay but I craved for more . It made me feel beautiful and accepted.
Then when I was 10, I got admission to a prestigious secondary school. I was to be in the boarding school, far away from home. I was happy that I would not be touched, but that didn't prevent me from going to his house whenever I was on holidays, now, he had a place of his own and whenever any of my siblings wanted to go with me, I was very angry. This continued till when I was in JSS 3. Now to be honest why I stopped was because I could not imagine myself getting pregnant after my Guidance and Counsellor teacher talked about pregnancy and menstruation. I can't exactly explain where the courage came from, but I put a stop to it every thing.
During the holidays, I didn't go to him anymore, and when he tried coming to me I told him I wasn't interested. He threatened me by saying he would go to my parents, I can remember been so scared, but my mind was made up and I acted not to care. Surprisingly, he didn't go.
After this episode, the kind of hatred I had for myself was enormous. I hated my body, hated men, I hated being touched, I hated every thing about me. I wasn't beautiful enough, wasn't smart enough, I was pessimistic to the core, highly insecure, my grades dropped drastically, I was suffering from major depression, was really suicidal and I had massive guilty conscience .
People around me knew something was wrong, but only me knew my problem. I was able to pass that phase of my life learning to use laughter to camouflage how I felt deep within and not caring about anything. It's not as if I didn't relate with men, I did, but I felt they should be exploited and tossed aside. I reasoned all they wanted was who to manipulate, abuse and destroy. I had no respect for my body. I planned never on getting married, make a lot of money and help the unfortunate ones.
Later, I got admission into the University with a view to making a wonderful result. But along the line, I broke my rule and fell in love. Love to me was frivolous, so It felt so abnormal that I felt this way that I didn't even know I was capable of. It was so annoying but interestingly, it felt good. And gradually, I began to open my heart, and I realized I was this romantic die hard. I began longing for things I ordinarily didn't want ;a family, a husband, kids, a home and I was willing to work so hard to achieve this.
Even though I wanted these things and a wonderful relationship, this was my first major encounter with a male, and I was deficient in so many things. I couldn't express myself, I couldn't communicate , I was insecure and I was terribly damaged. Everything was a huge flop but I did love him with every fiber in me. Eventhough the relationship wasn't sexual, I felt really disgusted each time he touched me. I couldn't respond to touch of any kind and deep down, I was hating him so much and I could not understand how I could love and hate someone so much at the same time. I really did love him, but at the same time, I came to understand that love wasn't enough to keep a relationship and more over, I still had a lot of unresolved issues I didn't realize I had to deal with. No matter how understanding a man is, there is only so much he can take before he gives up. Within me, I realized that no matter how hard someone tries to save one , that one must also be willing to save him or herself before any form of healing can take place. It broke my heart that the relationship didn't work, but I have to say it taught me a lot about me, about relationships and guys. Do I still love him? Well, let's leave that one for another day.
Right now, am in another relationship with a wonderful guy, who can be counted on. He knows about my past but not as elaborate as this. At first, the relationship was exciting. But I realized after it became intimate, it got boring and tiring. And am feeling the same emotions all over again. Today I want to talk to him, tomorrow I don't want to have anything to do with him. I have been praying to God do give me the strength to deal with my issue. Even if it doesn't work out with this present guy, I really want to have a family in the future and I have come to understand that a great family requires the love God, the man and woman and also the understanding required to handle life's issues.
To be honest Aunty Amara, am at a cross road and I need help because at times,I get drowned in my overwhelmed emotions.

A great marriage begins with resolving the complexities of your past, making peace with yourself and with God and allowing God to heal your heart from the many pains and afflictions of a horrible beginning.
Your life has been dramatic and filled with psychological torture and this was the reason why things are always not stable for you but a bit more like chaotic and confusing. You fought for your life but you burnt your innocence in the arms of those who were ever ready to exploit you.
This cycle will continue and if unresolved will affect your marriage and your relationship with your husband. Now that you have come to realise that what you experienced in the past was the wickedness and manipulation of those who ought to protect you but they ended up making you look like a toy and made your vagina look like a workshop.
This is the greatest torture any girl child can ever experience, and for your parents they wouldn't have known because they had no idea what you were experiencing and their discipline and trust made them not to pay closer attention to taking good care of you while all these happened.
Thankfully, the healing process has begun by letting this burden out of your heart. First of all, you must realise that you were not responsible for what happened to you while you were a child (that will be the adult you judging the childish you). You were not responsible for the things your cousin, neighbour and teacher did because at that point in your life, your vagina was solely meant for urinating so whatever they were doing then was as good as torturing you emotionally.
Because you were not responsible, punishing yourself by not choosing to forgive these men will have an adverse effect on all areas of your life. Why forgive when they ought to be punished you may ask, it is because their own reward is already with God and whether they like it or not, they will never escape it here on earth.
Please go where only you and God can have a heart to heart discussion with each other, read out all that you wrote here, pour your heart to God, let him know how you feel most times whenever you remember those bitter experiences, cry and shed tears, you don't need to say much, just give your heart to him and plead that he give you the grace and the heart to forgive them.
When you are done praying for yourself, ask that God will forgive them for what they did to destroy your life, call each of them by their name and openly confess that "I have held you so much in my life that this has kept me from fulfilling God's purpose for my life but today I am deciding to forgive you from the depth of my heart and to release you to God".
When you are done, please take some time to meditate, do not read, talk about anything or sing but just be calm and listen to your heart. This will help you to get hold of yourself and strengthen your heart. You may hear from God assuring you of his love and exceeding grace, if you can listen and allow your heart to be at peace with God.
This is the deliverance that only God can do for you through forgiveness and divine grace and once you have done this, you will be releasing your burdens to God and that will help you to have a better perception of relationship, men and marriage.
It will help you to appreciate yourself more, invest your time to study God's word and seek the face of God, you will be able to communicate effectively and listen without the warring voices condemning you and discouraging you. This will help you have a better understanding of yourself and what the devil was trying to do to destroy your life, it will also help you to realise that not all men are like those wicked ones.
You will need the support of your partner and his patience to help you heal completely and to regain your beauty as a lady.
Always remember this, you're not guilty and his love has made you whole ".
There is no pains, darkness, frustrations, sin and unpleasant experiences that his love can not heal.
Please do not get drowned for that was why Jesus died on the cross to raise you up to fulfil his purpose for your life and destiny. It is well with you and I know that God will perfect all that concerns you in Jesus name Amen.

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