Tuesday, June 28, 2016

He's a Chronic Cheat.

Dear Sister Amara, thanks for always being there for us. Am not here to tell the story of my life but am hurt, I just want to go in detail. I grew up with my aunt and was sexually abused by the husband. Because of that I had to dropout of school in my JSS2. My mother came and picked me after some years of struggle and hardship, with just my mom and siblings there was no hope of school for me again.
I travelled to one of my aunt's place for a visit, that was where I met my husband. We dated for almost five years before getting married. We are bless with a son and expecting another baby.
My husband is a chronic cheat and lies a lot, there's no month that passes by without him sleeping in the office (that's what he tells me), he won't pick my calls either. I have a little cousin staying with us, she told me one day that daddy came to the room and was asking her to open her top, that he wants to see the mouth of her breast.
I confronted my husband but he said it was a lie that the girl is like a daughter to him, he will never do such. I have been waiting patiently for third term to end so that I can take her back, but each time I bring up the issue with my husband he will get angry that am insecure.
I don't want what happened to me to happen to her, and am tired of this marriage. I have prayed, involved his mom yet no change. My husband like this cannot give me N1000 that my wife, 'take, you might need something for yourself', even when I ask, 'no money no money', is the answer I get. Even the little I get from buying food stuff, once he gets to know that I have, he will beg and borrow but never return it to me.
Sometimes am even ashamed of going to church with him because he keeps looking good, while I look nothing close to him as his wife.
Aunty Amara what can I do? Even if am leaving my husband, I don't want to go to my mothers place, my elder sister is still in the house. Am frustrated, no time with his family at all, even on Sundays my husband go to the office. All I hear is patient and prayers from my mother and mother-in-law, am not blaming my mother but she was the one that encouraged me to start little. After school and service my husband had nothing, we managed to rent one room, even the pots and stove were from my mom, we bought mat to sleep on even. But now am nothing, I can't just say it all, but am waiting for all your sincere advice. Thanks and God bless you all.

Psychologically he's agitating against your intention to send your cousin home and such agitation is never without a hidden agenda.
To begin with, please send your cousin home and encourage your husband to at least support you in carrying out some of the house chores if he can. Let's assume that your cousin was lying and that you don't want to harbour a liar in your home.
Let him understand your need to avoid anything that will ridicule your personality and expose him, but please don't hesitate to send your cousin back in your best interest.
Please what's the nature of his job? This will at least help me discern what may be the likely setbacks and challenges in his place of work. I know that there are some companies where you work through the night and close very late everyday, weekends inclusive.
So maybe you should find out for yourself what he's doing, how he's doing it and find out from others what his job entails so that you can make an informed decision and minimise assumptions.
His attitude towards you and your child can be worked on and I also suggest that you should start up something no matter how small so that you can take care of yourself and avoid depending on him for everything.
I will suggest that you encourage your husband to seek counselling, perhaps you may encourage him to write to me if he's comfortable with the idea so that I can hear from him and have a word or two with him.
I couldn't extract the details of his infidelity from your mail but I wouldn't disprove that since you know better than I do the personality of your husband. I will encourage you have a heart to heart discussion with him and also compliment it prayers hopeful that he will change.
Since he's not physically abusive, I don't feel that you should go home now but I will suggest that you consider seeking for a counselling session with him which is what you are already doing, and then consider talking to an elder or pastor who you feel that he will definitely listen to.
Please pray for your marriage and work on improving in your areas of weakness while we hope that God will transform his life and give him the grace to carry out his duties and responsibilities as your husband.

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