Monday, February 15, 2016

I Have Loads of Regrets, Anger and Doubts about Him!

Thank you so much for your quick reply. God bless you. I have a marriage issue to discuss, but first and foremost, me and my siblings suffered a lot of rejection from our mum. Dad was there, but didn't seem to notice what was going on. Financially by God's grace we were okay as dad had a very good job. But emotionally, etc, home wasn't palatable. Every of my sibling could testify to the fact that we preferred being in school than going home during school holiday. This is just a little bit of my background.
Come marriage, I had a lot of suitors, but I chose one I felt I loved. Financially, he wasn't comfortable, he was just a beginner. I found a friend and confidant in him. He was my first man. We kicked off. We had loads of challenges, ranging from my parents not fully in support of our relationship especially mum. After over five years of courtship, we did a court marriage and church blessing. Dad attended, but mum didn't and even advised my younger sister not to come. I believe I have forgiven mum because I struggled for a longtime with bitterness, hatred and rejection.
My marriage was also having its own challenges which I couldn't confide in anybody except a friend. I was very young. Didn't understand men. All I wanted was to be loved. My husband had this wondering eye issues always glances at girls. I hated that. I had issues with his background, morals etc. I was troubled and felt I made a mistake. At some point we both decided I should travel abroad as I used to even before I got married. Dad was in support. He actually felt it could give my husband space to concentrate and look for permanent job as he was not doing much worthwhile and I had just graduated. Shortly before my leaving for abroad, we came to know the Lord and that intended six months holiday journey abroad became five years.
So immigration issue separated us for five years. At that point my husband graduated from three years bible school. It was hard for both of us. Our pastors knew our circumstances. My husband became a minister in church. Eventually he was sent over by the church to help with a new branch here. We reunited.
But it never was the same. There were frictions, emotional detachments. As he came he was contacting via phone his former secretary asking her to send his books etc. I sensed something not right. The lady sent some books over and a letter which my husband after reading tore the letter. I happen to stumble at the pieces in his office. He previously denied there was no letter or note that came with the books when I asked him until I saw the torn pieces of letter in his office. Because of his position I can't just talk to anybody. I was troubled, angry, bitter, full of hatred, regretted the marriage again. Didn't t trust him but we carried on. We had loads of quarrels in the marriage and it was affecting every other areas of our life.
We decided to increase our prayer and fasting and focus on our marriage. During one of our fasting and prayer programmes, we had a shocking revelation. "Affair" in our marriage. When I confronted my husband, he became sober and said he never slept with any one during that five years of wilderness but that he had come close to girls in an inappropriate manner. He said he had kissed two girls. One was his former secretary who sent those books...but he had previously denied to me that he never had anything to do with the secretary. The second was a girl who threw herself on him in the flat he was sharing with a friend.
I didn't believe him. I believed he had more intimate thing and I wanted the truth. More especially, its been over twelve years he joined me abroad, never mentioned this to me until after the revelation. He insisted up on till today it was kissing. He now started telling me all about his struggles morally as a young man growing up. He opened up and told me dirty part of his past life.. I was so naive when we started our relationship. As I was a virgin, I kind of thought he was too. He shared with me all his struggles morally, also coming from a very immoral background. I came from opposite. He said I should see him as a prodigal who has come back home. He said he didn't tell me about the kissing episodes because he felt guilty and brought it to a stop by telling the girl and offering himself for prayers. He felt he had dealt with the matter.
We were apart for five years even though we were in contact, I was sending money monthly to him. He asked for forgiveness. Says he wants to be a better husband. We involved some ministers who counselled and prayed with us. But as my husband knows, I still struggle with trust issues. At some point I will feel there is more to know. He feels he has shared all he can share that he remembers. He said he had problem with lust and an area where he was weak.
He doesn't like me bringing up the issue anymore. He wants us to work on making our marriage better instead. But I still feel hurt, dissapointed, angry, regretful. He appears to change in his ways, gives himself to prayer and attending conferences with me but I am still in resentment and angry.
For the letter he tore, I felt there was something he was hiding. But he insisted he just tore the letter not because there was anything intimate in the letter. I found it hard to believe. I insisted on knowing the contents of the letter. He said he can't remember as all these have been over twelve years even though I am just coming to know all these very recently. I believe in the ministry of forgiveness and reconciliation but sometimes it doesn't come easy. More especially where I have loads of regrets, anger, doubts, at some point even blaming myself. Thanks for taking of your time to read this.

I understand perfectly how you feel and why you regret some times. You prayed for a virgin man and a perfect man but you got a "repented horrible one" and whenever you look back at your innocence, it's as though you were cheated but today I will be helping you look at the picture from a different angle.
Our only model in marriage is Jesus Christ, who is righteous, holy, loving, selfless and truthful. He hated sin but came for sinners, he understood our weaknesses and shortcomings but never gave up on us, he knew what we needed but never questioned why, he gave all of himself just so that he can draw us out of the pit of hell.
He never discriminated or judged anyone by their weaknesses of the past, from the Samaritan woman, to the adulterous wife, from Zacheous the tax collector to the self righteous Pharisee, he loved both those rejected by the world and those who deserved to be stoned because he knew that they were created in the image of the most high God. The height of that love was when he gave his life on the cross of calvary for your sake and my sake.
This is why Paul in his letter used Jesus Christ as the role model for both the husband and the wife and have enjoined us to serve one another in Christ Jesus (you may read Ephesians 5)
Though your husband may not be as naive or as righteous as you were, he was the reason God sent his only son to die on the calvary for his weaknesses. It is rare for a husband to feel guilty about his imperfections and weaknesses and to submit himself for counselling and prayers.
He didn't stop there but he went on to open up to you, to pour his heart on you and help you realise that just like every human being, he's vulnerable and prone to fall into temptation. But for you to hold unto his weaknesses, the very things he has asked you to forgive him has the tendency to destroy everything you have invested in the marriage.
Yes you sent him money for upkeep during the five years of wilderness experience but what he needed was you and not the money and to be honest with you, while you had all the good intentions for travelling, deciding to leave him because of his poor income as at then without making adequate plans for your emotional needs was setting him up to commit adultery.
Immediately you accepted to work with him and to submit yourself to him as your husband, your role was no longer to please self but to help your husband in anyway that he had need of. Whether he had sex with the former secretary, or ended up only kissing her is immaterial. What matters most is that you have been reunited to your husband and you have a brand new home and a regenerated husband.
You need to let go of all the negative thoughts that have be clouded your mind about your husband. If God forgave you of your own shortcomings and limitations even when you least deserved it, why then have you chosen to frustrate the peace and the love in your marriage by holding unto the past? Can you do what the Holy spirit has done and is still doing in his life and in your marriage?
If you knew the content of the torn letter, the ladies that he kissed and all the very things that you want to know, will they really help you love your husband more or do you want to give up on God and in your marriage?
It's time to deliberately decide not to hurt your husband with your unforgiving spirit, it's time to let go of yesterday and embrace your husband with his imperfections, it's time to realise that just like you, he deserves your kindness, understanding, love and patience to become a spotless husband and a man after God's heart.
He needs to be loved and not reminded of his past, you need to accept him and not reject him by your many doubts, you need to pray for him and not judge him by his past, you need to realise that what the Holy spirit is doing in his life is beyond your strategy and your struggles and if you choose not to forgive him and let go of his past, you may be hurting yourself much more and destroying the very marriage God has entrusted in your ministry.
Please do not blame yourself for getting married to him because for you to have gotten married to an imperfect man could have been God's way of helping you to understand his ministry of reconciliation and forgiveness. Please pray for the grace to forgive him and to appreciate him using God's mirror his word. The past is no longer a threat to your future and your marriage because of what the Holy spirit has begun in your home, please do not let unforgiveness rob you of the peace, love and the joy that God is showering in your marriage.
Marriage is a journey of two imperfect personalities who are willing to humble themselves under the atmosphere of God's love and are willing to forgive one another and help each other grow up spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically.
Please let go of his past, and surrender your marriage and your husband to God who knows how best to fix every broken part of your home.

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