Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Can Understanding Alone Build a Home?

Good morning Aunty,am in a confused state. Please help me out. 
I was once married traditionally at a very young age to a guy who was based abroad by both families arrangements. 
When he travelled back and things started going bad with both families the bride price was returned. Now after seven years, I graduated and met a guy. Within one year of dating he introduced me to his family and I was welcomed. 
He told me he was not ready for marriage until he was financially stable. 
I loved him without conditions, I helped out with whatever I could because I earn more. 
He proposed and the introduction was done. We are preparing for our traditional and white wedding.
Now I found out he was dating another girl in the state where he was based though he told the girl about me ,that he will not leave me for her reasons being that I have a good heart. 
His mum and sisters plus the girl in question encouraged me to stay back even when I wanted to end it. 
My problem now is that he keeps saying he was not ready for this marriage that his mum and sisters persuaded him to. 
With all these happening so now I don't know if we should go on with the marriage, I feel he doesn't love me but he keep saying with understanding we will have a peaceful marriage without his love. 
I fear backing out and appearing to people as a failure because the date of the marriage has been fixed. 
Can understanding alone from him build a home? Sorry for the long write up. 

Maybe I should help you make some sense of his understanding vision. 
Perhaps what he expects of you is that when you catch him sleeping with another girl, you should understand that he loves her and got married to you. 
If he doesn't fulfil his duties to you and your children, you should understand that he doesn't owe you anything after all you earn more than him. 
If he harvests children outside his marriage, you should understand that they were all his children and you should take care of them just as yours. 
If anything goes wrong in the marriage, always understand that he wasn't really interested in getting married to you but his powerful mum and fearless sister pushed him to get married to you. 
Now tell me sweetheart, are you willing to understand with him? 
You are more worried about people's opinions but have failed to realise that people's opinions cannot help you find happiness and fulfilment in your marriage if your husband humiliates you by cheating on you or abusing you physically and emotionally. 
Isn't it better to feel like a failure to the world and marry the man who will make you happy than to get married to a man who loves your pocket but never your heart and a man who may set you up for divorce? 
Why have you suddenly forgotten that a man who depends on the opinions of his mother and family will never respect your emotions nor regard your personality? 
Why would you want to settle for a man who doesn't love you but his girlfriend while he pleads that you understand his selfish habits? 
Are you willing to endure, understand, tolerate and accommodate a cheating husband? 
An honest answers to these questions will greatly help you make the right decision for your own good and happiness in life. 
Marriage is a journey of two individuals who share mutual vision for each other, are willing to make personal sacrifices towards helping each other find happiness and fulfilment in life and respects the emotions and feelings of each other. 
From all you said, your partner isn't ready emotionally and mentally for marriage and getting married to him so that the world will celebrate with you may set you up for a disaster later in life. 


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  2. In summary....It is better to have a failed relationship than to have a failed marriage.
    Do not put yourself in a mess in order to please people who wouldn't mind their business.
    What matters most is saving yourself from a potential pathetic situation in future...Whatever people would say or how they'll feel on hearing that you've moved on is totally insignificant...They'll light the fire but they'll never walk you through it...People will always be people..
    A man that wants to take you as his wife based on the persuasion of third parties has nothing else to offer but emotional torture..
    Do not be a victim of this terrible circumstance..
    Understanding matters but you understand better when a relationship is built on the foundation of true Love and affection and not persuasion...may God help you to understand

  3. 'Marriage is a journey of two individuals who share mutual vision for each other, are willing to make personal sacrifices towards helping each other find happiness and fulfilment in life and respects the emotions and feelings of each other' ~ Amara (c) 2015


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