Saturday, June 11, 2016

Feel Caged in my Relationship!

Hello Aunty Amara good evening...
Am a young girl of 23 years, I've been dating this guy for four years now in the same city. He knows my in and out and I don't hide anything from him, cos of our closeness. Before I go out with anyone(male or female) I call him to tell him first( cos if he calls me and I tell him I went out, he gets very upset that I should have called him to tell him I was going out).
At a point I started getting tired of that lifestyle of calling my boyfriend first before making a move cos it makes me feel caged and makes me feel like I don't have a life of my own. I've never cheated on him for one day.
Now he's far and I want to stop that lifestyle, am confused because most times I get bored and would want to hang out with friends. But in the course of this hangout he calls me and maybe am in a noisy environment (background music), If I pick up the call, I know the first question will be "where are you"? And if I tell him the truth, that's a big trouble for me, if I don't pick up and maybe call him back later and lie to him, that maybe I wasn't with my phone, that's another problem because before he left for the states, he warned me that he doesn't ever want to call me and won't get me on phone.
Am confused, what do I do? I love him soo much and can't cheat on him, but he doesn't want to hear am hanging out with a guy... but am a human and the hangouts are harmless.. Please what do I do?... I can't continue calling him to tell him every move I want to make and even if I do I'll have to lie to avoid troubles, but my fear is if he finds out I went out and lied to him that I didn't he might feel I'm cheating but God knows am not and can't cheat on him. Please I need your advice.

One of the attributes of being in a relationship is that you learn how to be accountable to your partner in all sincerity and honesty, not because your partner demanded for it but but because it strengthens your relationship, builds trust and confidence in each other, enhances understanding and communication between you and your partner and it also helps you to take responsibility for your actions, inaction and decisions as an individual. I must add that it has to be mutual and without any fuss or coercion.
However in a situation where you struggle to tell him the truth because of the manner that he chokes you, and always suspect that you have something devious to do, it's only an evidence that he doesn't trust in your words and in your personality. He's also indirectly manipulating you to become who you naturally wasn't and at the same time expecting you to constantly deny yourself of the privilege to be yourself and still commit yourself to the relationship.
You need to have a heart to heart discussion with him, help him understand that attending some healthy programmes and events doesn't mean that you are sleeping with all the men on the streets. He should at least give you some breathing space and allow you to naturally fall in love with him instead of always making it difficult for you to share your thoughts with him.
That an individual is in a relationship with another doesn't actually mean that she should stop existing or that she shouldn't have some form of freedom to be herself, but it means that your partner should create a loving, understanding and trustworthy environment for you to express your personality, perception, passion and purpose for your life.
Though not every hang-out is healthy for a relationship, but it will be totally frustrating and discouraging for him to cage you and choke you with suspicion simply because you are in a relationship with him.
If he can't give you the room to be yourself, say the truth without being judged, express yourself without being condemned and love him selflessly without being suspected, and you have done everything within your capacity to help him understand that you are not cheating on him or have someone else in your life, please give him some space and allow him to decide whether you are good enough for him or he's not comfortable with your personality.


  1. A relationship should not put you in a cage. Like a fruit it should ripen you not pluck you premature. Lying is out of it. If I may ask, for how long would you tell these white lies? Remember if he finds out, he won't still trust you. Please talk to him about this. Remember freedom is much greater than money.

  2. One of the ways to lead a happy home is to be real at all times and be sincere to the core. If there is anything you hate about your partner, you have to be free enough to tell it out to him. if you are not that free to share your burden him or her, that there is problem some where.
    in my own, just be fair enough, do not lie to him. but i don't really by this idea of taking permission or informing him before any move. if eventually he asks where you are, be sincere enough to tell him, if he is not satisfied, the let him do whatever.
    But do not because he has traveled to States force the relationship to hold water. be yourself, be sincere enough and let the outcome be. wishing you well.

  3. All relationships in trouble are not hopeless or totally beyond saving. However, you will need to now exactly what to do and exactly what to say to achieve John H


Designed by Tunde Sanusi (Tuham)