Sunday, August 30, 2015

Should I Be Separated From Him?

Hello dear,my story is long but please bear with me.
I am very confused .I got married to my husband,but he never trust me.
I have tried all I could do for him to trust me,but no,this was the same while we were dating,but thought it was love.
During our courting times,I could not make friends,visit family,my female friend he thought we were lesbians,my male friends were my lovers,my visiting family would pollute my mind.
I never thought I was going to find it difficult as it is now. My husband would not trust me when it comes to my friends be it male or female,currently I am in the university,I joined a study group,which has really helped me in my studies,my husband thinks that I sleep with all the males in the group,because he read a message which my colleague addressed me as dear,he called the guy and insulted him,the guy didn't take it likely at all.
I apologised on his behalf,he said why should I,if there was nothing going on between us.
I didn't talk,he got annoyed why I kept mute,and beat me up. I felt bad. Initially,I thought it was because things were bad for him, but this is getting too far.
Currently,I am working in two different places just to be able to take care of the family and settle my school bills,he does not drop feeding money for the past three years because there is no money.
I had no option than to take up a new job as a locum staff, I was already working in one of the private institutions in Ghana but the salary was not good enough to settle my bills.
I rent, provide food,clothed him, whilst he sleeps,I complained earlier about his behaviour of not trying to support the family,he told me to go if I can't stand it.
I had no option but to endure because marriage was for better and for worse.
I am confused and frustrated with all his behaviour. I know someone would be thinking I was cheating but the truth is no,I am not and will never do that.
We have a son too, things became worse and I can't take his behaviour anymore,so I had to bring family into it.
All these while I never told any member of both families,because I do not want people to know we are having problem.
In fact my husband has been irresponsible all these while. I told my family I wanted a break not divorce since the situation was eating me up,they called him, he apologised but still continued with his attitude.
He will search through my Facebook account and write messages to my male friends he feels he is not comfortable with.
Sometime I asked myself how can my husband think I have been sleeping with all these men he claimed ,whether I was a sex machine or what does he take me for?
I sincerely think he need help,so I talked to him for us to see a psychologist, again it was big problem.
To cut it short,please help me out,I am totally confused and frustrated which is affecting my performance at work.
How do I solve this problem,is being separated for sometime going to help matters?
Please help me, I do not know what to do.

My pains and grave concern about your marriage with your husband was that you saw all these clearly written all over him during your courtship days but you believed that he would change when you get married to him.
I wouldn't discourage you from believing that he would change with prayers, patience and selfless sacrifices but will give you some of the tips that you may need to help you manage his character and challenges. 
Your husband has a low self esteem, some form of depression, insecurity and extreme jealousy. 
The real challenge is that he doesn't see this as his problem but will always strive to make sure that you are bitter, angry, furious and empty. 
He would naturally derive pleasure in seeing you shed tears and get worried which is his own way of proving that he's the boss over you and that he can control your emotions as he pleases. 
I am explaining some of his attributes so that you would have a better understanding of his personality and how best to approach him without losing your sanity to his attitude. 
One thing that you must not allow or condone in your marriage is physical abuse. This is because you need to be alive to take care of your children and meet the needs of your husband. 
Now that you know his flaws and personality, you need to learn how best to curtail his excesses and manage him in your home. 
Do not give room for suspicion or do anything that will lead to altercation between you and your husband. 
Whenever he starts talking unnecessarily about anything whether you did it or not, please do not respond or reply or make any comment. 
Because he would naturally nag at anything you say or do, keeping silent will keep him in check and somewhat make him lose control over your emotions. 
If you must talk about anything with him, find out when he's in a good mood and take advantage of that to express your thoughts and feelings with him. Make no demands, only suggestions, do not impose anything on him because naturally he wouldn't like anything that has to do with responsibility. 
Get busy with your work and your passion, live as though you don't have need for his presence and he will seek to connect with you. 
Giving him some break would have been awesome but it may not yield the needed result because he would accuse you with the things that you never did. 
Taking him to a psychologist will greatly be of help but I'm not certain that he would take your suggestion very serious because he will still turn it around against you. 
The last thing you must always do will be to pray for your husband and your marriage, trusting that God will take away the spirit of jealousy, low self esteem and insecurity from his life. 
Get him some books that will help him appreciate his personality and make him have a high self confidence. Please do well to celebrate him and commend his efforts whenever he does something good. 
Compliment him and always support him in his endeavours. 
Continue to pray that God will restore the glory and the joy of your family by revealing himself to you and by providing all the wisdom, understanding, patience and grace that you need to help your husband overcome his flaws and challenges. 

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