Wednesday, November 11, 2015

It Hurts me that I'm Still Married to Him!

Aunty Amara ,good evening . Thanks for what you are doing. I need your help.
My story goes this way,it's long though.
In 2013 I got married to the love of my life,little did I know that this will not last. One month after our wedding my husband flew since he worked and lived in Dubai.
He promised that he was going to prepare all the papers for us to be together. The papers took long than we expected and I asked him if I can continue with my degree while we wait and see what happens.
He told me he can't afford to pay for my degree fees because he was catering for his family too but instead I should do a diploma course.
I was not comfortable with this decision but I had no other option. My family called to ask me what I was doing,I told them am planning to do a diploma course and they were not happy about it and I explained to them the reasons.
I told my husband what they said and he told me to pursue my degree if my family can pay for me and my family agreed but they were not happy.
After accepting my parent's help,my husband was not happy about it but I never knew because we talked together. From that moment my husband became completely different.
He called me every dirty name someone can ever think of,I became stressed a lot because I never knew what I did,I didn't even enjoy the happiness of my marriage.
In August 2013 he told me that marrying me was the worst decisions he has ever made and to him he's not married.
That really hurts,because I can not imagine my marriage is over through a mere phone calls and text messages.
I became depressed a lot,I have no one to talk to neither anyone who can understand my situation but I gathered myself and focused on my education.
I tried to forget about him but I could not.I prayed to God to give me a way forward and to help my husband but nothing changed.
In May this year I saw a foreign call but I didn't bother to pick because I don't know the owner. After a few minutes a message came in,"please my wife pick the call its me" I was shocked because over a year and some months have gone without anyone referring me as wife.
I picked the call and he started apologising and how important I am to him. I didn't say anything but I just listened. After he was done I ended the call. I thought my prayers were being answered but that was end of our conversation.
It's sad that he never did anything to mend our marriage.
Last month he called,but I asked him some questions but as usual am always the bad and the wrong one and after that I told him I need a divorce because there was nothing good that will ever come between us but he told me he won't sign it.
It hurts a lot because since our wedding we have never lived together as married couples, he has never done anything for me like a husband should,he has never made me feel like a partner and my biggest question is that why did he marry me when he knows it will never last??
I hate divorce but I see no other way out. Marriage should be 'until death do us apart' but now I have learnt that not all marriages are for eternity.
Please Aunty Amara help me make some sense of this situation, am confused and troubled,I don't know what to do.
But one thing am sure is, he does not deserve me.
I want to move on with my life but am still legally married to him which hurts me the most.
Why did it have to me??

When a woman gets married to a man she can not make love to, hold and cherish for the rest of her life, there is truly no torture that is more painful than that. 
I know that you never bargained for that but sometimes I wonder why partners do not discuss life after wedding before they get married? 
I don't know why a partner will choose to live apart from her husband without even making definite plans on how best to support each other and to reunite with one another. 
This was the crack that destabilised your marriage and literally separated you from your husband thereby bridging the communication gap between you and him. 
The second problem which I feel that you shouldn't have permitted was the interference of your family in the decision and agreement of you and your husband. 
Since you both agreed to go for a diploma instead of a degree programme, and you were comfortable with the idea, I don't know why you had to consult with your parents again for their own views when you were already married to your husband. 
That singular attitude showed that you didn't regard his opinion as anything nor do you respect his views. It also showed that you were not emotionally independent from your parents but whether that was enough reason for him to act in the manner that he did, I don't think so. 
Now it's two years you took this vow to love him, what I would suggest is that you seek ways to communicate with him and hear him out. 
Get his family and your family to renegotiate the purpose of the marriage and what can be done to salvage your home. 
Begin by first apologising for anything that could have pushed him far away from you and what can be done to restore your marriage. 
Find out when he will be around the country so that you can discuss this with him and the future of your marriage with him. 
Take your time and examine what has happened in the past two years and then see if there are anything that you can improve on and strengthen your marriage. 
For him to reject the idea of divorce suggests that he's interested in the marriage but how interested he is and the commitment and sacrifices to commit to the marriage depends on how you and your husband are able to resolve your differences. 
Divorce is the last option to consult when all other approach has failed to yield any positive results. 
I know how painful and difficult this could have been for you but please do not be deterred by your present circumstances, rather commit everything to God in prayers and ask for God's grace and mercies in your marriage. 
Pray for divine intervention and please do not be quick to give up on your home even though things have not been as you wished them. 
Your marriage can still be restored if you believe and you are willing to surrender your marriage to God and seek ways to reach out to your husband. 


  1. Forgiveness is as key of marriage my dear that man can chameg being the right man are you expecting.Please allow him another chance and God is going to restore you from him. good luck

  2. nicely said aunty amara. but I feel dey tried discusing life after weding dat was why they tried all efforts for her to join d husband but it dint work. Although she was wrong by informing her family about dia decision of subscribing for a diploma prog rather dan degree. I understand d feeling of her parents it was because care dey wanted to support dia daughter but #ego of the man wrecked d marriage. oya so if he realy loved d wife y has he not bn calling? som men are naturally wicked. yes. dey marry u n turn you to a green widow.


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