Saturday, January 23, 2016

I Have no Interest in Dating Again!

Dear Aunty,

Thank you so much for being a blessing. God bless you. Ma, please I'm in a dilemma and need your advice.

I'm a young woman in my twenties, about to complete my masters degree. I intend furthering my education immediately. I have never really paid attention to men although I did date a young man once. He was my senior at the university during my first degree and we somehow reconnected about three years later.
It was a long distance relationship, I suspected he was seeing someone else twice, all the signs were there. I confronted him the second time. He denied it. The third time, he apologised but became cold, then he broke up with me two months later. I really loved him, it was a few days to my professional exams and I was devastated. He had no reason for breaking up with me.
It's been three years and I can't really say i'm over the whole experience. He has tried to come back into my life but I refused. I did try to date again but even though the person in question was far successful and finer than he was, I just wasn't into him and ended the relationship. I have remained single since then and have no interest in dating again. I have turned down a couple of young men since then.

Now, the issue is this. At the end of last year, two young men asked me to marry them. One of them is a friend I have known since I was a teenager, the other I met at the university, where he did me a huge favour which i'm still grateful for. While the former is younger, is very good-looking, foreign trained and from a wealthy family, the latter is more mature, he isn't exactly a fine boy and he isn't from a wealthy background, has a lot of responsibility,though he has done well for himself.

Well, I said 'NO' to both men, but decided to pray about the older of the two men for a reason I still can't fathom. After praying, I slept and dreamt he has another woman. I didn't bother praying about my friend from my teenage years because I wasn't moved to do so even though he is doing better. The older of the two men has remained persistent and has even said he is willing to wait for me to complete my doctoral program.
The problem is this, should he wait? I have told him not to wait for me. I haven't even agreed to date him. I have no reservations where he is concerned although i'm not attracted to him. I'm not attracted to any man but I just don't think it's right for him to wait for almost four years for me, even though he's insistent. I can't marry him now even if I wanted to because i'm the last child and my dad and sisters are insistent I complete my doctoral program first.
Even though, i'm not attracted to him physically, I believe love grows with time. He has a good heart but I just feel it's not fair that he waits. My sisters have advised me to turn him down because of his background that I won't enjoy my home. Please advice me, ma. Thank you.

So talk to me, why have you lost interest in relationships with men and have decided to bury yourself in books? What really happened that you suddenly realised that relationship has no value or benefits to you?
From all you wrote, I saw a lady who doesn't know what she wants and wasn't in anyway prepared for any form of responsibility or relationship of any kind.
Your dad tells you what to do, your siblings guide you on how to do it. You turn men down as though manufacture them and decides what happens to who.
Well I'm not against your drive to become a professor as soon as you desire but I am worried if that is truly what you want for yourself or what circumstances have pushed you into believing that it's worth better than affecting lives and nurturing a home or spending time with someone who thinks about nothing else but to be with you.
Please do not let the circumstances of your past relationship and the pains of your previous relationships push you into shutting down the part of you that craves for love and affection. The part of you that craves for acceptance and appreciation because sooner or later you may realise that knowledge is so vast a thing to pursue and the more knowledge you acquire, the more sorrows.
Sit down and talk to your heart, when last did you take yourself out and simply showered yourself with so much love? When last did you do something that you so much loved and simply felt happy and fulfilled doing that? Look back at what could have been the scar or the pains of your past and choose to let go.
Forgive your past for the mistakes she made and accept your present for the lady she has become today so that you can invest in the kind of future that you will be happy with and proud of. As for the relationship, I would suggest that you discharge everyone and begin with building friendship with yourself and those around you. Learn the rope of understanding men and relationship and take your time to meditate whether you want to consider marriage in your life or feel that it's not worth the hype.
Take your time to pray and ask God to guide your heart and reveal his purpose for your life so that you don't have to resort to trial and error to decide sensitive issues of your journey.
Marriage is not a family business and it's totally different from career development so you must be emotionally prepared, spiritually sensitive and psychologically stable for you to make the best decision on who to marry.


  1. I hope u know there's time for everytin,better start 1 now as soon as u won't end up like my beautiful intelligent boss at 43 that has all the position at work but a lonely bed at home.
    A woman pride is her crown. Get one now and pend all those paper Qualification .u need to be a mother and a wife before u clock 30.dont think that how men will continue. to flocks around u,ur dad won't live ur life for u nither is ur sisters,so get prepared and. Open ur head to love.give love a chance

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