Friday, January 8, 2016

Should I Go with my Kids or Stay Back?

Greetings ma! I been seeing the wonderful work you been doing upon people's life and I pray that you will also bring solutions to my dilemma. I am a young lady of 26 years from B. I met my husband when I was still at the university in Asia, he's a Nigerian.
When we met things where not moving well for him and at that time I was financially okay. I offered him assistance through my monthly assistance. He convinced me to move out from hostel to stay with him which I did, he started controlling my finances, using my ATM card anytime he wanted and when I withdrew money without him being aware he would shout and if I try to defend myself he would even beat me up.
I remember I used to go to college that time with only one pair of slippers and few cheap clothes, I turned out to be a laughing stock among my former friends. He controlled who I should hang out with and liked to follow me literally everywhere I went. He was doing illegal business, just to be honest, scam, he introduced me to it and I remembered one day he even forced me to be naked in front of camera and made fake love to convince his client which I did. I was so young and naive.
He engaged me few weeks after we met and I told my mother who was totally not comfortable with the idea. I later got pregnant and I even thought of abortion because I was still young but he resisted and said I should keep it. I had to travel back home to deliver my baby and I almost lost my school opportunities,I was suffering financially that time. He sent money for my bride price and a friend of his back home presented the money on the day of traditional marriage.
My husband couldn't come because his visa application couldn't come out earlier, but after some months he did came and met my family. By God's grace I managed to get back to school but he forced me to bring the baby along, it was really stressful for me to concentrate on being a mother, a wife and mostly a student. I remember my mother tried by all means to stop the wedding arrangements because she noticed the way my husband was treating me, which my husband convinced me to hate her and forced me to send her rude text messages that she was chasing my husband away.
The truth was during wedding preparation my mother went to see a traditional doctor and brought medicine that I should use to bath and say what I need so that everything becomes perfect, she told me that the man told her that some people are not happy for me. I used it once and I questioned it and told my hubby on phone and he told me that our pastor told him that they wanted to make him mad and render him useless.
I was confused about all these whether my mother was guilty or not. Well I managed to go back to abroad to finish school and he often used the issue to abuse me, that I was just like my mother, I will be useless like her, that I have nobody, no body loves me. I endured all these in the name of love because he often use to apologize. He later got more financially okay but still he used my own allowances to pay rent, feeding and even taking care of our baby.
Though he used to call me and discuss what to do with his own money I noticed it was just a fowl play. He used to send money to his people secretly, car which I found out later on my own. I for that matter he has forbidden me from sending anything to my people till now that they will use it against him. He built his family a house in the village worth millions of naira while we don't have our own personal house.
I supported him because I felt pity as they never had a house. When I was about to finish my school and go to do my internship he told me that we should go back to Nigeria so we could look for a better country to relocate to, that I should not worry I will definitely get an offer to do my internship as far as I schooled abroad. I agreed and because I was few months pregnant I feared for my school not to notice these or get a report from where I will be serving.
We came back to Nigeria and he got us a house which before we arrived he already placed his family on it with their properties that he bought for them. I felt so much uncomfortable, my mother in law would sometimes barge into our room while I'm dressing, interrupted our discussions, checked rubbish that we threw from our room secretly. She assessed the way I dressed and complained about it on my face which my hubby didn't have problem with. Made fun of my food etc. It was but easy.
Before giving birth to my son my hubby travelled back to Asia because one pastor told him not to go to Canada as we planned that he should go back where we were before. It's now almost two years plus I have never seen him and am still staying with in laws , he refused to get me and my children our personal house. Before I was living with my sister in law , because am not used to crowd and depending on someone I was so uncomfortable, she somehow showed characters like I own these territory, this kitchen and you have limits'. She will even count meat on the pot which I have never seen since I was born. We got into misunderstandings that leading to physical fights. I tried to run away with my children to another state but my pastor discouraged me, and I went back to her house.
Hubby now said we should go back to our family house which I left initially because of my mother in law's wahalaaa. I stayed with her father in law and brothers in laws . Life is like hell in this house, she assesses everything about me, how I make phone calls, dress, cook, wash, everything she must show her face. We got into few quarrels that one day he even took mortar to try and hit me, beat me up, I feel like a prisoner.
My husband told me that I should only drop children in school and come back to the house which was so lonely and no steady light. I insisted to try and learn handwork or do small reselling business but he refused. But still he's not meeting up for our up keep. I wear N100 clothes(second grade) , eat water water soup which I never did before and have hands to make it better but he refused.
The family told him to take me along and leave kids till he's okay financially, he refused. I got tempted to go outside for money and emotional needs which I never thought of doing before. My husband literally turned me into what I never imagined because I even told him let me go back home and try and find a job he said his kids won't go there, that if I go and leave them I should count myself as a divorced woman.
I graduated with a second class honors degree, I am just here lavishing in the name of marriage. He want us to go back to him but finances is a problem, I fear to go back to him because I perceive he will maltreat me or if I get a job will control my finances again.
I have small money on account to travel but I am confused whether to leave kids or not. My in laws insisted that I can go and leave them but I fear to lose my kids or they might deny them from me. Mama please help, what should I do?

The foundation of your marriage is deceptive, manipulative and evil and there is no way you can be happy with him and his family because of the circumstances that lead to your getting married to him. 
Given the way you got married to him, you definitely had no idea what you were going to experience with him and from all you have said, one can only imagine how terrible you feel each time you are with him. 
If you and your husband still want to remain married and be happy with each other, then there must be some structural changes and sacrifices to accommodate your interest and his interest in your marriage. 
First you must leave his father and his mother and his siblings and stay somewhere where you will have the freedom and the privilege to express yourself as you wish and desire without being monitored and abused. If he decides not to come around and or allow you to meet him, and he also doesn't want you to be independent of his own parents, kindly take your children and move where you can be free and happy. 
You cannot be treated like a slave when you are his wife and you cannot continue to endure such humiliation while your pastor advice you to remain. I feel that you and your husband needs to deliberate on some very sensitive issues concerning your marriage and the welfare of your children. 
As a human, you need sexual fulfilment as couples and you shouldn't think of going outside because of his attitude towards you and your children. 
As for his family, please do not fight or hit or in anyway or manner insult them. It's part of the sacrifices you have to pay for the sake of your love for their son but you must as a matter of necessity and urgency leave their house so that you can rediscover yourself and your purpose in life. 
Please do not sit down and waste your talents and virtues but prepare yourself and seek for the skills and vocations that will help you make a living and take care of your children. 
I must not forget to mention that you should please pray for your marriage and your husband in particular. He seems to have so much to dish against you and your prayers should be that God will give you the wisdom, patience and understanding to manage him and help him to become a better man.


  1. Madam plz whateva u concluded on.never leave ur kids for any family or hubby.
    With ur savings u can be doing small scale business,even if he dint still are ready to belittle u if u allow dear is not everytin u obey else u find urself living in ur shadow.stand up for ur child.ur strengh should be that u can't continue living in ur shadow.

  2. nnee why dont you go back home to your people? i tot u are not a Nigerian? make esquires abt going back and on a good morning, prepare your children as if u are taking them to school and make a move. ur mum can not throw u away and until he understands what being married and having kids is, then u can continue. but most importantly, ask God to forgive u and make serious promise not to go back to the sin of the flesh and tell God to take control cos He is more Faithful and a Compassionate Father. Cheers


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