Thursday, February 11, 2016

He's Full of Lies!

Hello Amara,you are really doing great, may God bless you and continue to empower you with wisdom in Jesus name. Actually since my first post in 2014, I tried reaching you back last year but you never attended to my second post. Well it's still because of the same issue that I am writing you now and please kindly attend to it. It's about my marriage that is about two years now blessed with a baby girl .
Really, I am still surprised at my husband's behaviour.. On my first mail,I got some advice from the house, some asked me to walk out of the marriage while some asked me to give him till two years, though you (Amara)never gave me any advice.
Thus,when we got married, I found out that my husband lied about everything I used to know about him while I was in school, we dated but never slept with each other ,though he tried many times but I never let him,but he was okay with that,that wasn't an issue,he was also caring then, in fact very nice. So when I left school,I got a job in Lagos, we lost contact and later when we reunited he came up with marriage proposals and being somebody that I used to know as a good person way back, I was glad and I accepted him.
After the wedding some of the lies I found out was that;
1. He told me and even my parents that he was a contractor ,all lies, later after marriage when I asked him he told me stories
2. He told me that the guest house his late father left for him to manage has been renovated that I will not even recognize it again, because I used to know that guest house way back in school. I found out after wedding that the same place he told me was now worse than before, not even functioning well. He told me he was a graduate,now because of situation on ground I suggested he should dust his certificate and join me in looking for a job only for him to tell me that he has not collected his certificate, I asked him when he finished school, because while I was in school he already told me he was a graduate and I graduated in 2008, and he told me now that he graduated in 2007. I now recalled and told him that he told me he was a graduate then,how come you were not going to school back then while I was in school, behold he started telling me his normal stories,
3. He made me leave my job in Lagos for marriage by promising he will be giving me allowance, that the salary I was earning was a peanut but ever since I came into his house he has not on his own given me money, even when I ask for pocket money, his first answer will be that he doesn't have money,sometimes he will give me N200, N500, rarely N1000, this was the person I told I was going to look for a job when I relocated,but he discouraged me that he will find me a job through his friends,that I don't need to walk around for a job, up till now nothing.
The most annoying part now was that he doesn't want any commitment in marriage,he likes doing his things, I am the type that likes a transparent lifestyle especially to my spouse ,I aspired to be so close to my hubby sharing everything with him,but he is not that type ,even when I initiate intimacy.
He doesn't even bring suggestions or solution to problems in the house, everything he will tell me to do it how I want,even the important decisions in the house,he does not contribute any idea. It's just as if I am in that house all by myself.
I have tried many times to talk things over with him,but he never shows interest, I would rather do most of the talking and he will not even talk much, always claiming that there is no problem while to me there are issues.
Since we got married taking me out is a very big problem, I have always been the one asking him to take me out,even when we go out we don't gist like couple, we will just eat and go back to the house. Most times we will be in the house without talking to each other not that we are quarrelling oh but once his friends calls him on phone come and see shouting and laughing,for Christ sake I have asked severally if he regrets marrying me and he will tell me that he prayed to God to marry me. Now I cannot tell what the problem is.
He would want me to tell him whenever I am going out, where and time which is good for couple's wellbeing,but he can go out in the morning and come back at night without letting me know his whereabout,sometimes when I asked to know he will tell me he just went to the guest house ,and from there branched to see a friend. Sometimes if I try to ask his where about, he will get angry and say that I am suspecting him. Up till this moment, I don't know his real age,he has told me three different ages in three different occasions, even on the wedding day,when we signed the register,he wrote a fake age and when I asked him he said it was a mistake.
In fact he is not a transparent human being no matter how hard I have tried.
Now,he wants to borrow N200, 000 from micro finance bank so that I can use it to start up a business,but I was thinking of telling him to use it and fix up little thing in that guest house because that place is very shameful,even his mother and siblings are very angry with him because of that place saying that he is an unserious human being. I even reported him to his sister and asked her to help me talk to him,her sister replied that they have been talking to him and as well praying ,that they don't know what is wrong with him,even his younger brother told me that he has a very strong heart,so when the sister finally talked to him he was angry that I reported him to his sister.
In fact I did not really take my time to know him more after we reunited because of my work and we were not even in the same city. Yes that reminds me of another lies that he told me when I came to visit him briefly before the wedding, the one bedroom flat that we stayed was not even his house, I found out later after wedding, when I asked him about the furniture and electronics I saw in that house he said he gave them out to his brother ,all lies. In fact he is not just a plain person,when I told a friend about this,he told me to stay there and get a job,that when I get job that I can make myself happy,that most marriages are like that,that I am even better than some people. Just confused,can this kind of person really change? He does not even have any savings and does not want to look into something else,except if I eventually get a job,registering our daughter in school will be a problem. In fact ,I just tire oo...
Please advice me
Please note,we have not done court wedding,whenever I remind him,he will say there is no money at the moment,that we will do as soon as money comes and he likes procrastination. If I keep quiet about it we will not do it forever.

This is the consequences of neglecting the importance of dating and making a detailed finding of an individual before defining the relationship and accepting to get married to him. 
If you knew how important your marriage was and the sensitivity and the gravity of getting married to the wrong partner, you would have made out time from your busy schedule and find out more about his personality and his vision as a man. 
Painfully you are the man in this marriage and the responsibility of your daughter and your husband depends solely on you so there's no need hoping for a change in his attitude because I have no idea when that will happen. 
He's a chronic liar, simply lazy and unprepared for marriage and the more you remind him of the things that he's not doing, the more he'll look for an avenue to make you responsible for those so there's no need wasting your time when you can sit down and plan your marriage and the welfare of your child. 
I will suggest that you look for a job, engage in a business while you look for a better job. I wouldn't suggest that you invest the money in the guest house unless it will be yielding some money afterwards for the family and you don't need a loan that will crush all your savings especially when it's not yielding any dividends to you. 
Borrowing at this critical point in the economy may not be the best option especially when the interest rate maybe much more than what you bargained for.
Be wise and organise yourself, have this at the back of your mind that the success of this marriage will depend more on how well you are able to plan your future and manage the resources of your home. Everyone seems to have lost their ideas and suggestions on how to encourage your husband so the only option is for you to cover him up and seek ways to boost your income while you hope to encourage him to learn one skills or vocational courses that will make him independent. 
Encourage him and support him in your own little way, pray for him and pray with him, let's hope that someday he will tell you his true name and his real identity but until then do not take his opinions seriously or should you believe everything he tells you because they may just be another lie. 
While it's not a bad idea to have a court wedding, but always remember that you are the one that will foot the bill for anything in your family so that you can look beyond what you would have wanted to achieve and what is feasible within your financial capacity. 
God will give you the wisdom and grace to manage your home and help you in strengthening your marriage


  1. A bad marriage is NEVER an accident; please,avoid it. Marital bliss does not depend on Love,it depends on WISDOM,KNOWLEDGE & UNDERSTANDING. Go,get them!


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  2. This story is soooo funny oh.i am laughing with tears in my eyes. my dear sister your own marriage is far better than mine, pray for your husband . he will change. the worst thing is to live with an abusive husband. if he is not abusive either verbally or emotionally then he is a good man. he is even thinking of collecting a loan for you to start a business, that shows he has good intentions.


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