Saturday, February 20, 2016

I Hate to be the Man in the Home!

Hi Aunty Amara, I am so appreciative of the good work you are doing..May the God bless you richly. Amen!

Please I need your advice, I have been married for four years now and we are still believing God to bless our marriage. But, there is the issue I have in my home presently, my husband have been without a job for almost three years now.. I would say I am the one supporting the home,I pay for the house rent, provide feeding for the home, cloth him, supports his parents and siblings, pay for medical bills in our quest to have a child and I even sponsor our holiday trips abroad all just to make him happy. I am not so proud or happy doing all these because as a couple it has to be mutual. When two people put hands together it becomes faster. I have been nursing this whole thing in my mind and have been supportive. But the whole burden of the home is on me.

So I decided to one day to call him to tell him what has been bothering me,that I wasn't too happy being the only one working in the home that he should think of something to do however small to support me,that the responsibilities I'm shouldering in the home too much ( I am the first in own my family, I have four siblings who depend on me). By so doing, things would be a lot easier for us.

When we spoke about it, he got annoyed that if supporting the family has become a problem that I should keep my money to myself. That after all he doesn't ask for my money.

I told him I didn't mean it that way,that I was just advising him to look for something to do. All he does is sleep when am off to the office or goes to drinking spots to seat out with friends on a continuous basis.

I have told him times without number that we need God and deliverance in our home because its only him that can help us in this our case, I tried to encourage him to pray and go to church, but all to no avail, some times he even makes me weak spiritually. As he wouldn't go to church unless I iron his clothes for him.

Now the problem is after the talk we had, he has refused to eat my food, he stays out late, he has refused to talk to me. He said he doesn't blame me, that I am insulting him because he is jobless.

I hate it that I have become the man in the home, what do I do?
I am confused.

When the circumstances and the challenges surrounding your marriage are unbearable for you, when the burden is so much for you to manage, seeking the face of God and pouring out your heart to him remains the most effective way to get hold of your heart and remain focused on God's promises for your marriage. 
In the beginning of your marriage, I want to believe that things were not this way, he wasn't jobless and the mood in your heart was that of an excited and gorgeous lady who believed so much in her partner and in marriage that she couldn't wait to get married to the king of her heart. 
He must have convinced you beyond words that he truly loved you, was responsible to cater for your needs and to stand by you at all times and I can imagine the joy in your heart when you kissed him to say honey, I'm with you for life. 
Losing his job may have been the biggest blow as a young man who once wanted to buy the whole world for his wife and coupled with the fact that both of you were expecting your blessing of the fruit of the womb would have put so much pressure and tension on each other. 
This is where you could have gotten hold of your emotions and given your all to support him and strengthen him not to lose his focus or feel that you were disrespecting him or insulting his personality. 
This is where you could have thought it through before letting him know your concerns about his inability to get a job and support you in the home, this is where you shouldn't have mentioned your family problems or become petty about his recent lifestyle knowing that that could have been as a result of frustrations and pains that he found himself in the company of those who could cheer him up. 
You could have asked for grace and wisdom to cover him instead of attacking him and reminding him of the things that he wasn't doing today. 
Yes there was a need for him to get something to do and for him to support you and deciding to talk about it wasn't bad. However the manner in which you presented it(in your mail) was as though you were attacking his personality and making him look like a lazy man who has left everything for you to do. 
There was a better approach that would have been more productive and helpful for him. 
You could have researched on businesses that have a higher turn over and profit margin, ones that he could do that will at least give him enough money to meet his needs while you manage your own needs. You could have suggested to offer part of your salary for him to start up something and grow his business. You could have suggested to work on his CV and help him to search for a job by sharing the CVs where there are openings or amongst your friends. 
There is no way he would feel insulted if you have presented your worries by giving him suggestions on how he could overcome this phase of his life but I guess that your emotions got a better part of you. 
You see, the moment you got married to him, your marriage became your first priority while your family became a second priority. You don't tell your husband how you must meet the needs of your family while your marriage is on fire. 
When both couples are working and are making some money, they ought to bear the financial burden together but where one partner is not financially capable, the other should understand that his or her role maybe difficult but he or she has to bear the burden of the home pending when things get better. 
I want you to understand that God who provided what you have today knew that there was a challenge in your marriage and standing in the gap for your husband was a divine way of covering him up from the public ridicules of his challenges and inadequacy to provide for your needs and make you happy. 
I know that it's quite a challenging moment but I will encourage you not to lose hope in God and in your marriage. Wait for your husband to return home, ask him to forgive you for hurting him unknowingly. Remind him of how much you love him and is willing to stand with him even through the good and the bad times of your marriage and plead with him not to reject everything you are doing to support him. 
Let him know that you have good intentions for your marriage and was thinking about how you could help him through his frustrations and regrets. 
Cheer him up by reminding him of the humble beginning and all he did for you. On your own part no matter what you do for your marriage, I want you to do that looking unto God who ordained you to be his help meet. I want you to let go of the calculations of all you have done for your marriage to succeed and focus on how to help your husband stand. 
Please do not let your new responsibility in your marriage make you lose the respect you have for your husband and do not directly or otherwise push him away from home because that may be counterproductive to your marriage. And do not put so much pressure on him that you forget that he has loads of pressures already in his system. 
Surrender everything to God, pray for him and for your marriage, allow God to fix all that is broken in your marriage and bless you with fruits of the womb in your marriage. 
Be patient with your husband and be humble in your spirit, nobody else should know that your husband is jobless and that you are the only one buying all the pin in your home. If God provides, use it for the benefit of your marriage, if God blessed you, be a blessing to your husband. When you are paid, give your husband some money to take care of his needs, do not command him on what to do but seek for ways to engage him into being useful and in so doing, you would have separated him from his unproductive friends. If he can venture into transportation business or would love to learn some skills that will be helpful, if there is anything you can do to help him or he has plans for himself, find out what it could be so that both of you can work together to accomplish the project. 
I want to believe that you and your husband have gone for a medical check up to rule out any possible health challenges which may have the potential to affect your chances of getting pregnant. Make love more often and go for positions that allows for deep penetration like the missionary position and the doggy position and when you are done making love with your husband, stay in bed for a while before leaving for other activities. 
God will perfect all that concerns your marriage and grant your heart desires in no distant future. Please hold unto him and surrender everything to him, he's able to meet your needs and change your story. 


  1. I can only say Mr Francis Van Lare is so blessed to have you as a wife. So much wisdom in one individual. You make a king out off a man Mrs Amara. @poster just do as she says and you MUST come here to testify

    1. She is a direct heir from Solomon. Thank you Jesus

    2. She is a direct heir from Solomon. Thank you Jesus


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