Friday, March 18, 2016

Am I Possessive and Jealous?

Aunty Amara good morning and God continously bless you with wisdom and understanding to guide us appropriately. Please I have an urgent issue at hand and I need input from a neutral party ..
Am in a relationship with a young guy and he has a female friend whom me he claims they are just friends and no strings attached because she is a deeper lifer. They always call each other on the phone and chat with each other all the time and he hides his phone so I won't see their exchanges. On Valentine's day, he bought clothes for both of us and I found out about it and got angry , he later apologised and lied he has returned her cloth back.
I asked severally about it and he constantly maintained he has returned it and he will change for good . He is seriously obsessed with this girl because they chat at odd hours, he eats my food and call her in my presence immediately asking her to keep his food for him that he's coming to eat there. He acts around her as if he doesn't have a relationship and he is single and available. He has no respect for me and I have tried to be understanding about all this but he calls me possessive and jealous.
He rarely goes out with me unless I make the move but I just saw his chat with her where he mentioned getting her a gift which is the dress he lied severally that he returned and that he will be so thrilled if she will visit an amusement park with him when initially he refused to go to an event with me yesterday and even when we got there , he kept on nagging about how boring it will be . This is someone that always paints me black before his friends, he has never defended me. One time, his male friend insulted me and he did nothing about it, in fact the guy will visit him in my presence and totally ignore me and he's on with it, they will just go out and drink like I don't matter..
He has never requested we go out anywhere together unless I do and he is never happy spending time with me and he was seriously begging the girl that didn't even want to go out with him after receiving a gift from him already feeling it was enough. When I confronted him about lying about the dress, he said I will react unnecessarily.. I don't know if it's now normal to keep secrets and go on dates with other people and act like you have no relationship... I made it clear to him that he can keep his friends but we should always be open to each other about everything. It's strange he tells other people we are friends but finds it hard to tell the girl he has a relationship because he claims she is a deeper lifer but she entertains him in her place till midnight and collects gifts from him and calls and chats with him at odd hours of the day and takes his laptop for weeks even in my presence and he calls it just friends that he is not interested in her..
He travelled to US last year and got a cheap bottle of perfume for me and loads of gifts for her and claimed she will pay him back... Ma, please analyze this and advice me accordingly. In fact, last time he told me it's over because I kept bringing up the girl's name when she isn't an issue and we keep quarreling about one person.. He clearly chose her over me and later retracted that he didn't mean it that way but am not a fool. He has hurt me severally and even though I forgive him, his constant lies has made me question other things . He claims he has only female friends and makes sure he paints me black among them telling them am not tolerant and we won't gel so when am around , they visit and he stays outside with them but when am not , they stay till odd hours. They make derogatory remarks about me when they don't even know me and he just laughs and it's okay with them insulting me based on impression he has given them... Let me just stop here . Aunty, please look into all I've said because am very tired of about all these. Is it okay for a man in a relationship to arrange a day trip with just a "friend" for her birthday without the girlfriend's knowledge. I want us to read the comments and see what other people think. Am tense.

From all you said, there's no need for you to believe his lies that because she's a deeper lifer, she's not emotionally attracted to him or that he doesn't love that lady much more than he claimed to love you.
My analysis, if she's an ordinary deeper lifer and he has nothing to do with her, why then does he hide his dealings with her? Why then does he have reasons to lie to protect her and at the same time lie to impress you? 
Why is he more comfortable with her to the extent that he even chats with her in your presence and regards your concerns as complaints and unnecessary nagging? 
How come that he spends more time with her and even keep late night with her and then impress you that he loves you? 
He seems to me like he's with you for sex while he hopes to marry the deeper life sister who perhaps understands his plans much more than you do lol(no absolutes only possibilities). 
I wish I was a kid, maybe I would have understood his love game better but in all sincerity, I feel that he's only tolerating you while he's looking for ways to convince the deeper life sister in the Lord so that she will become the deeper love sister in his life. 
My suggestion, terminate the relationship and forget about him. Why this? Because doing so will help him decide whether to continue with you or to continue with her and in a case where he wishes to continue with you, then you must come to an agreement with him, it's either he respects your emotions and appreciates you for who you are by not chatting with her in your presence, visiting her after your meal, talking about her all the time and making you feel worried about your relationship with him or he focuses on her. 
If she's an ordinary deeper lifer, then he shouldn't indirectly put you in a competition with her where you are trying to impress him and convince him that you're better than her, that's unhealthy emotionally. 
Let him redefine the relationship and give you some courtesy, and respect, else you may need to reconsider the whole thing cos it's simply not what a loving relationship should be.


  1. With all these things, ure still asking questions. U deserve to be loved and respected, u deserve a man who is proud of u, u deserve the best n don't settle for less. This is a case of himhaving u where he wants you thereby feeling that u are worthless, and longing for that which he finds unreacheable- a sister in long skirt. QUIT him n a door will open for the man of ur dreams

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  3. Lol 😁 I just can't hold back this laugh anymore (sorry though). The truth be told why will you even be living with a guy who has not paid your dowry, its seems you are the one forcing the relationship to go forward because from all indication this guy is just using you as a sex object. My dear sister if you can value yourself n take a bold step to end the so called relationship it will do you good(I know its hard maybe you depends on his cash) #Myopinion

  4. I feel you are forcing urself on him kindly save urself some dignity and call of the relationship before he do. Then he will feel more painned and dump

  5. He plans sleeping with u and keeping her for marriage.
    What are u even doing at his place?
    Don't u have respect for urself?
    Can't u grow ur career or in business and the right guy will come begging for ur attention?
    Give urself a standard and live to it my sister.
    Aim higher. Be the woman u should be and not one imposing herself on a man.
    May GOD give u the strength to move on.


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