Sunday, March 27, 2016

I'm Unforgiving, Temperamental and Bitter!

Good morning ma. Happy easter to you and your family. God bless you for all the time you take to answer problems and questions. You really are an intelligent woman. I am a 25 years old lady and I have a problem. My story is quite lengthy please bear with me.
I am the first child of 7, I grew up in a home where the right things are supposed to be corrected or done with violence . My dad was a tyrant and a domineering figure in our house. He really abused me physically when I was young that till now, I have some scars on my body. Sometimes he uses wood to flog me whilst my hands were tied behind my back with my legs and my face was covered with robb or pepper in my eyes. One time my mum put my hand on the table and was cutting my wrist with a knife. Another time, she lit several sticks of matches and burnt my brothers neck. I being the first child suffered a great deal because all their attention and energy was focused on me. He verbally abused me too at any little mistake I do. He told me things like "which man will marry you self?" "you will remain in my house forever" "I will be here, your husband will carry you and come back" "you will be here, your mates will be successful".
I hated my parents especially my father sooo much that his presence disgusted me. I had always dreaded my home because my heart beats anytime my dad is around. Whenever he travels, all of us are very happy and lively. I had psychological problems. I was an outcast and rarely talk in school. I rarely had friends and was always on my own. Most people thought I was weird. I was always depressed and moody. Always bitter and angry for no reason. I began nursing suicidal thought but was scared to try it. I lived a life of fear and frustration. I had anger issues.
I have asked and prayed for God to help me forgive them but each time I see them, the bitterness and hatred grows. They complain I don't talk or interact with them like my younger siblings too. That I am too secretive. How would I when they battered me psychologically that I don't even know how to engage in a conversation or let my self loose? Even till I entered the university, my life was different. Because I was antisocial and timid, I still did not know how to interact with people. I had a terrible esteem issue. I struggle with unforgiveness and bitterness.
I am waiting to go for service so I decided to work whilst I wait. Last week a male colleague of mine visited me and when my dad got to find out, he was ranting and asking why I had to talk to a man. Even my mum who I expected to think different for once, supported him. I was very angry at them. I thought to myself, does this man still thinks I am a child? I am 25 years old and I am not in any relationship yet and he is comfortable and happy with it abi? If I remain in his house he will be happy right?
Right now I don't talk to them because of it. I am still angry. I don't know how to get it off my mind. If i get it out this minute, it comes back the next. Sometimes I asked God to help me forgive them but when I am alone and I remember everything they had done to me, my hatred and anger comes back again. Even when I try to strike a close relationship with God, I easily get irritated at the slightest thing.There is a deep hole in my heart that needs to be filled but I don't know how. My childhood experience coupled with the fact that I am an introvert has made me unforgiving, temperamental and bitter. Please tell me what and how to let go. I know this is not who I am. Sorry for the long write up. I hope you will be able to understand everything I am trying to say.


I understood all you said, your parent's approach to raising you up made you feel bitter, unforgiving, and temperamental and you are have decided not to forgive them because they still treat you like a kid at 25. 
I am not adopting their approach to raising you but one thing that is true is that your parents gave you their best and sponsored you to graduation. Your parents fed you and provided your basic needs even up till date and for that alone you must be grateful. 
Your parents was there for you when you were nobody and they were there to support you when you needed all the help you could get. They may not be the best but they weren't entirely the worst yet. 
You may blame your parents for who you were yesterday but if at 25 years of age you are still blaming them for some of the things that you can work on, then I feel that you are not ready to live and be different from what you experienced in the past. 
If you are not willing to surrender to Jesus and allow him to mend you and make you whole, if you are not willing to give your heart to study God's word, meditate on his promises for your life and choose to walk daily on his word, there is no way you will become better than your parents thought of you. 
Instead investing your life nurturing bitterness, unforgiveness, hatred and emotional instability, choose not allow your past to predict your future but break the chains of regrets and revenge in your heart. 
Let your life project be to be a better version of your personality, to grow spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically. Instead of looking for ways to fight your parents and perhaps revenge for the way they trained you, please work on ways to avoid them and respect them. You cannot succeed by fighting your parents nor will you prosper by not forgiving them. 
Your healing and happiness will only begin when you forgive your father and mother and learn to communicate with them not according to what they never did for you but according to who they are and the little that they were able to achieve in your life. 
Jesus Christ forgave even those who crucified him, made mockery of him and fed him with vinegar before he gave up the ghost. An important lesson is that you will never make heaven with bitterness and unforgiveness, no matter what happened or who was guilty. You have to remember that while God brought you into the world using your parents, you are ultimately accountable to God for how you lived on earth. 
If after forgiving them, you still feel bitter, pray for the grace to forgive again and continue to pray for the grace to forgive until you can look at your parents and embrace them not for their perfection but for their imperfections which has made them humans dependent on grace of God. 
If you had a male friend who came to visit and they weren't comfortable with him visiting you in their compound when they were not informed of his visit and his purpose, you shouldn't throw caution in the air but apologise and host your friend outside the compound. It doesn't cost anything to say that you were sorry for what you did even if your intentions were genuine nor does it remove anything to explain to your parents who he is and his intentions. 
As a lady in your father's house, you must learn to protect your family from some friends that may make your parents get worried about your safety and the safety of the house. Let him know before you bring any man and even if he's your husband, your parents should be informed. It has nothing to do with your age but simple courtesy and sincerity of heart demands that from you. 
For your kind of parents who maybe rigid, bringing a man inside the house maybe sending a conflicting message to them and will let them be afraid or worried about what you are up to. Host your friends outside the compound and work on self discovery and development. Whatever is wrong in your life is never beyond the power of the Holy spirit and the grace of God, you only need to humble your heart and surrender to the God and allow him to mend you and give you an everlasting testimony. 
The more you keep blaming your parents for what your past was, the more you empower them to make your future miserable and your life terrible. 
You can be better, you can be great, you can succeed and prosper, you can be different from what anyone feels about you if only you can decide to wipe off the pains and the ill experiences of the past by forgiving them totally and allowing the Holy spirit to open your heart to the great promises of God in your life and destiny.

2 comments:

  1. Hi dear girl
    AVL has said it all. But I have a little more to add. What makes you happy if I may ask? Please do it often. Make yourself as happy as you can from now on. Not temporary happiness like addiction and the likes. Real happiness and fulfilment. Read the Bible daily, listen to plenty of music, gospel, jazz and probably r&b. Watch the sun rise and set. Make good friends, keep a pet, watch inspiring movies and read inspirational books. Most of all concentrate on your studies to get good grades. Its your destiny and Youre living it but that won't stop you from becoming what God says you'll be. Remember Youre going to become a wife and mother tomorrow so you need as much as possible to kill your feelings of anger, hate and depression in you to be ble to raise responsible, God-fearing intelligent and loving children. Make sure you don't make the same mistakes your parents made and forgive them totally so that you will be a success in life which I'm sure you will be by the special grace of God. Take care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi dear girl
    AVL has said it all. But I have a little more to add. What makes you happy if I may ask? Please do it often. Make yourself as happy as you can from now on. Not temporary happiness like addiction and the likes. Real happiness and fulfilment. Read the Bible daily, listen to plenty of music, gospel, jazz and probably r&b. Watch the sun rise and set. Make good friends, keep a pet, watch inspiring movies and read inspirational books. Most of all concentrate on your studies to get good grades. Its your destiny and Youre living it but that won't stop you from becoming what God says you'll be. Remember Youre going to become a wife and mother tomorrow so you need as much as possible to kill your feelings of anger, hate and depression in you to be ble to raise responsible, God-fearing intelligent and loving children. Make sure you don't make the same mistakes your parents made and forgive them totally so that you will be a success in life which I'm sure you will be by the special grace of God. Take care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete

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