Friday, May 6, 2016

Can a Lady in my Shoes Love his Personality?

Good morning madam, may God continue to bless in all your endeavours. Please, I need your help and advice. I would like your opinion on this. I married a narcissistic cheat. When we met, he had a charming personality and public likeness which he still has. Since I got married, I have been the one paying rent and bills. My hubby never wanted to get a decent job apart from "other unusual ways" since we relocated to a different country. I have talked severally about this (to work so as to assist me with bills). I even read to him the verse in the Bible that says a man who doesn't work is worse than an infidel. Instead, he flared up saying that he's building a house and once it's over, he will assist me.
Last two years the house was completed, I reminded him about job, he said he doesn't want to work. The more I talk, the more the unusual business he never wanted to disclose to me about yields him cash. So, I don't blame him for saying no to work. When I met him, he was working and I never believed that a man can decide not to work at some point in his life. Over the years, I encouraged him to get a decent job and enrol himself to a university to at least portray a good image to our kids and get a better career in the future after completing his studies. He never listened to me then I let him have his way. My concern is that my kids ask me why he doesn't work. Most times I tell them to ask their dad cos I wouldn't know what to say to them. Even if I lie, they will meet him at home. They ask me why he keeps late night too. I tell them he goes to see someone. Again, I lack excuse for that question.

He cheated (and still cheats) on me over the years. Admittedly, there was a time our sex life suffered but I thank God for restoring that part. I tried to upgrade on bed but I realised that it didn't stop him from chatting explicitly to his numerous girlfriends via social media. I have a copy of all his chats and ladies' private parts pictures he demanded from them stored somewhere in case I need to print it off and distribute to his family and mine to have a good read if all hope is lost.
I also saw some expensive explicit jokes he sends to one of my cousins. I remember him telling me that if he had known, he would have married her. Reporting him to his family is a waste of time to me. I have done that in the past but the sisters kept giving excuses like he's a young man (42 years) and I should pray or tell his mistresses that he's married. One of the sisters even advised me last Christmas to go and look for him in a party to prevent him from talking to a lady. None have advised him to desist from cheating. He occasionally insults and disobeys his father. I informed the dad some years back that he's unwilling to assist me with bills. He just changed topic. Whenever his family call him, they gossip about people, they hardly remind him to pick up a job.

He is very argumentative. I actually don't know how he makes me or his friends argue with him cos he has this talent of turning a non-issue into an argument. He calls me names like idiot, mad, stupid whenever he flares up. This has made me to stop calling him on the phone whenever I am at work so that I would not lose concentration at work after hearing his insults. I hardly ring him to know his whereabouts at night cos most times he won't pick. He will leave the house without informing me ninety percent of the time of where he's going. If I ask him where he's going, he will tell me, "since when is a woman supposed to know the hubby's whereabout? " This made me not to ask again. Whenever he's in the parlour, I go to my bedroom to avoid any argument or quarrelling for peace sake. He complains sometimes about my cooking. Whenever I come up to him to ask him to teach me how he wants it, he will start complaining that he doesn't like how I cook sometimes bla bla bla. This makes me scared whenever I cooked cos I wouldn't want to cook it the way he doesn't want it. He cooks when I am at work and still enjoys his tasteless, badly made meals.

I noticed that whenever he goes to Nigeria, he will like us to discuss a particular topic which is why I don't approach him on bed cos he's always the one approaching me. I give it to him whenever he wants it but his problem is that I don't initiate it nor tell him I love him first. I always tell him I love him too after telling me first which is wrong (according to him). We discussed this issue again this time and I told him to teach me the step by step guide on how he wants me to demonstrate love. He flared up saying we have discussed over and over and I don't want to change. I told him have you bothered to ask if there's anything I have against him that may prevent me from such. He said I need to speak out, I told him not to bother about my concerns about him cos it can never be resolved, however, I am willing to hear him out and change to clear my conscience before God and man. He said I should not blame him if he impregnates another woman ( which he tells me sometimes after a slight misunderstanding). I told him that I will not be a surprised. We went to a restaurant last year and I noticed he changed the PIN of his phone after he forced me to tell him why I was angry with him. I told him I was angry at the kind of chats he makes with other ladies including to a married ex which he asked for a pic of her private part and yearned how much he wants to suck her breast and clitoris. He flared up in the restaurant and left me with the kids and went home. He has never apologised to me from his bottom of his heart about his cheating habits but expects me to love and flaunt him hundred percent. How can that be possible?

I apologise for the long write up. My question is
Can a lady in my shoes genuinely love his personality? I mean, loving a verbally abusive cheat who willingly refused to contribute a kobo? A man who brushes my opinion aside. He discusses most of his plans with his sister and tells me some whenever he wishes. Can you believe one of his sister gave birth and do you know how I heard the news? I passed my phone to him to speak with my mum and he told her the news. To make matters worse, she gave birth seven days earlier.

Once again madam, I apologise for the long mail. I appreciate your patience and reply in advance. With tears in my eyes, I had no one to speak to. I am not here to paint my hubby black. He's got a good side and assists me with chores but I felt this is a pressing issue. Thanks and God bless you.

Your mail disorganised me and really made me feel bad. I knew how much impact you have made in our generation and your genuine devotion to serve God and to please him in all your endeavours, so I sincerely never knew that your beautiful heart had a painful burden that you have been struggling with. 
My prayers is that God will remember your heart cry and show you mercies in your weakest moments, may he send you help in times of need and may he give you the grace and wisdom to manage your home and intercede on behalf of your husband. 
Practically, his personality will naturally make any woman never to feel aroused to make love with him. No matter how handsome a man is, no responsible lady will flaunt her body for a man who constantly cheats, defends himself, stays jobless and nags about almost everything. 
But madam, I wish I could tell you to do otherwise but I won't because your marriage is with God and not with man. God has prepared you and today he want you to stand in the gap for your husband and fight against the works of the devil in your marriage. 
Thank God who has equipped you with something that will take care of your bills and meet the needs of your children. Please do not let your bed suffer or try to indirectly punish him for his attitude towards you (naturally that's what anyone will do but because you are no longer of the world, you can't take that approach). 
I will suggest that you celebrate your marriage with him by giving him great sex, making the move, dressing in a seductive manner, taking the bull by the horn, arousing him, caressing him and giving him more sex. Let him know that you are not naive of what you need to do to make your bed a beautiful place for both of you. Let him know how much you love him and pray for him every now and then. Those good side of him, always compliment him and encourage him in your own little way. Show some concern for his welfare and if you have enough funds to spare, drop some in his pocket and don't border to ask him what he did with them. 
You are not doing these because he has been nice to you but only because of your personal relationship with God and your deep convictions to make your marriage work out. 
I will encourage you not to mention anything about job to him anymore, let your heart desire be that God will always provide all that your family needs to be stable and all that you need to give your family the very best in life. Reminding him of not working will only make him to attack you and disorganise your life. If God chooses to bless you with riches, please use your earnings and clear off your bills while you leave every other thoughts to God. 
Anything that will make you exchange words in the name of arguments, kindly avoid it and learn how to use silence to send your message when words are inadequate to do that for you. Since he turns every conversation to a debate, choose to listen and minimise sharing your views with him because he may never consider them nor be humble enough to accept your views. 
Allow him to live as he so pleases, don't get worried about the things that he discusses with his family or the things that he feels that you shouldn't have an idea of, always remember that if it's not relevant to your family and if it won't have any positive effect on you and your children, you shouldn't be worried about them. 
Your greatest project now is your children, at this point when your husband is far away from home and everything isn't working as they ought to, God has raised you to stand in the gap, to cover up the lapses and the shortcomings of your husband and to groom them with love, wisdom and patience.
Always encourage them to pray for their father and love them as much as they love you. Let them know that your husband has a good heart but maybe going through a hard times and needs prayers and encouragements. 
Do not give them the impression that their dad is irresponsible, that's left for you and God, but let them know about those qualities that made him stand out from other men. Cover up his flaws before them and always reassure them of their father's love. 
Every child longs to experience the bonding of their mother and father irrespective of what maybe going on in the home and God can use you to accomplish that and help you reach out to them with love and understanding. When they're grown, they won't need your explanations to discern what is not right in the family. 
On your own part, let all you speak with your husband be the word of God, let the only time you fight against his dysfunctional personality be in your prayers and let your heart be encouraged that your labour of love shall never be in vain nor will God fail to reward you for your selfless sacrifices. 
I know that you have shed tears, and endured this pains and humiliation for a long time but God is not deaf, he hears your secret groaning, he knows the burden of your heart and he will never put you in shame. 
Let your heart be encouraged by the word of God and his blessings upon your life as you strive to win your husband through prayers and good conduct. 
Don't be discouraged by his complaints nor lose hope by the manipulations of the devil in his life but continue to intercede and suggest that both of you have morning devotion together (if possible) so that the word of God can drive away the vices and the evil manipulations of the enemy over his life. 
Let your sole purpose in your marriage and in your life be to please God in all your endeavours and to be the Christ that he greatly needs in his life. 
I am personally praying for you and will never relent until I receive a testimony of what God has done in your home. Please be strong and be hopeful that this will not last forever and you shall not be consumed by this but that you shall come out of it victorious.

1 comment:

  1. madam,i felt ur pains when i read ur post, i join my faith with that of Aunty Amara,GOD will do a new thing in ur marriage,u will surely testify IJN Amen


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