I'm 21 years old in my third year in the university and the first child of my parents. I'm very close to my mother. There's nothing except one thing that my mother doesn't know about me. That one thing she doesn't know was that her only brother abused me sexually when I was young(can't remember how old I was then. Maybe 5 or 6).
She was sleeping then and he asked me to come. We were living in a room apartment. My mother never sleeps deep, but I don't know how it happened. Thinking he wanted to play with me as usual, I went to him. He made me sit on his laps and he inserted his penis in my vagina. I didn't understand what he was doing, so I got up and went out to urinate. I saw white things in my vagina(which I later knew was sperm). I washed it off and since then, hate him.
Anytime I see him, I throw up. I remember that incident like yesterday. My mother does not understand my hatred for him.
Now, I feel because of this, I don't want to have anything intimate with guys, except be friends. My boundaries are so strict(I know that), but I can't help it. I remember once a friend playfully touched my neck, I slapped him. He was shocked, and so was I.
If my girlfriends talk about the guys they're dating, I'm repulsed. Funny enough, they keep coming to meet me for advice in their relationships and I try my best.
My father also abused me verbally when I was asked to withdraw because I wasn't doing well in Chemistry(he wanted me to study medicine). There was no words he didn't say. Though he has apologised, I can't forget it. Am I going too far? What do I do?
If I say that you are going too far, it means that I don't really understand the pains, the agonies, the emotional struggle and the heartache that you experience whenever you look at yourself and remember that someone destroyed your integrity, your pride and your treasure as a lady. So I won't say that you are going far but I must empathise with you for the painful memories that you had from childhood.
Though your mother doesn't know about this, I don't take this rare privilege to hear you out for granted because I know that this is the beginning of your healing process in your journey.
So let me personally thank you for opening up to me and for sharing your pains with me.
Secondly, I want to apologise on behalf of your dad for the hurtful things that he said when you were in secondary school. He may have said them with hope that it will motivate you to become better, unfortunately the opposite was what you received from him and I can imagine how painful and unloved you feel whenever you remember all that he said then.
Please find a place in your heart to forgive your dad and accept him back into your heart knowing that as human he is prone to mistakes and weaknesses (just as you hinted in your beautiful article about weaknesses).
I don't have the right words that will pacify your heart knowing that it will never fix that which your uncle has already done, but there is one thing that I must assure you of and that is the fact that he will definitely reap the reward for his wickedness here on earth. He will someday hear from God because nobody messes with what God has created and goes scot-free.
What I will plead with you is that you don't toe the pathway of revenge for your pains. Please let it go, give it up, surrender it to God himself and ask God for the grace to release this man from your heart.
It is important that you forgive and release him because that is the only way for you to prosper in all your endeavours. Your greatness, your progress, your happiness, your marriage and your ministry is dependent on your ability to forgive him and release him to God.
I know that this is the most difficult thing for you to do but please entrust this to God and allow the Holy spirit to give you the strength to say 'I forgive you for raping me in my days of ignorance'.
If writing it down will help you find healing, please do that but do everything possible and within your capacity to forgive him and release him to God.
The image that your uncle painted in your mind when you were young is actually not the true image of all men, and it's not the attributes of all men. There are men who have the heart and the compassion to care for your happiness, to support you, to stand by you and to encourage you to become the very best in life.
It is only when you have forgiven your uncle that you will realise that all men are not like your uncle. It will help you not to build a hedge of bitterness and pains around you but will help you find healing to your pains and open your heart to give love and yearn for love.
You are too beautiful and priceless to allow the devil to cage you for life. And I thank God because he has begun the process that will change you from an ordinary lady to a lady of purpose.
Sometimes the horrible experiences of our journey may be a preparation ground for the purpose which God has ordained us to provide solutions, awareness and assistance to.
I will plead with you to decide today to forgive all who have hurt you and have made you feel that life has nothing to offer so that you can seek the grace of God, his love, his mercies and his presence to heal you of the emotional pains and psychological agony that you have subjected yourself to unconsciously.
I pray that God will heal your heart of this pain in your heart in Jesus name Amen.
I just want to let you know that God loves you so much and I love you so so much.
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