Monday, July 25, 2016

Can't Handle this Kind of Verdict.

Dear Aunty Amara, I wrote to you few months ago on the difficulties I was facing with respect to meeting up with the financial needs of my in-laws (Read her previous mail here).
Thank you for the advice you gave me. I applied them and for some time I had peace. I now save, take care of my needs and that of the household. God is blessing my husband too.
I placed my mother-in-law on monthly allowance and has been faithful with it. Whenever I transfer the amount, I tell my husband who in turn tells her and she will bless him. I respect and honour her as I have learnt from you. Occasionally I send recharge card to her.
However, few weeks ago, she called and demanded for money to pay to town planners so that they will not demolish an illegal structure her last son was erecting(for gambling/betting business). I asked for the amount, she said she did not know but it needed to be big. I asked why the son that was building could not settle the bills and she told me he was broke.
With the permission of my husband, I sent her transport fare to the town planning office to find out why the structure was marked for demolition. She was told to bring N30000 so that they will overlook that and then she should hasten up with the construction. She then told me and I said okay and told my husband.
The next morning, she called and asked why I have not transferred the money. I told her that I didn't have such amount of money, before I could finish talking, she started raining abuses on me and hung up the line when she was done.
I told my husband and he just laughed. I told him to explain to the mum that I had so many responsibilities and so building was going to be too much for me. He said he would not explain anything. I then asked if I could tell the sister to speak and he said yes.
I told his sister and when she confronted the mom, she said the abuse was for my husband not for me. My husband then said that the mum should never call me again and that I should not pick the mum's call anymore since I cannot handle minor abuses and insults.
Please ma, I can't just handle this kind of verdict. I want to be at peace with all. Please, teach me, lead me on how to go about this. Thank you.

From the disposition of your husband, I feel that you should respect his decision and stop being an interface between him and his mother. No matter how good you may wish to be, you can't understand her much more than her own children, and if in your bid to be nice and at peace with all, you end up connecting the siblings against him and his mother, your peace mission has already been destroyed.
I have no idea why your mother-in-law should be the one seeking for funds for a man who is old enough to talk to his brother. I also don't know why you are so comfortable with trying to impress her and accept all her vomits all in the name of being a good sister-in-law.
There are ways things ought to go between you and your in-laws. When your own family is in need, you ought to be the first person that should know of it before you will refer to your husband for support or assistance. When his own family is in need, he ought to be the first person to know about it before consulting you for help.
But I feel that your mother-in-law is exploiting you as a weaker link knowing so well that her son will never accept such rubbish from her, and unfortunately you made yourself available for her mess and insults. That has to stop.
If you still feel that you want to help her and be at peace with her and all, please learn to contain her excesses and don't complain to your husband about it or report to anyone else. If you want to put things in their right perspectives, please stop meddling with their family issues or trying to play the good lady while your husband receives insults.
Always refer her to her son and support your husband from the background and not the other way round. You are not married to his mother but married to him, so wake up and don't allow his mother to bring a discord between you and your husband.
Set your priorities right, your marriage comes first before anyone else and learn to maintain your space so that you don't give your mother-in-law the room to destroy your marriage.
As regarding the bills, let your husband decide what to do about it and if his mother calls, kindly encourage her to talk to her son. Respect the decision of your husband and avoid exposing him to the public ridicule of his siblings and mother. 
In your closest you can plead with him and ask him to forgive you and his mother, and at least permit you to receive her calls. I believe that he will reconsider and allow you to talk with his mother. But please channel your peace mission and passion to your husband who needs it most and learn to manage the weaknesses and shortcomings of your in-laws.

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