Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Men Have Hurt me so Much that I Wish to Become a Reverend Sister.

Good evening ma, I am 27 years old. I have been following up on your page. I had to summon the courage to send this to you. It is complicated and a very long story. Please bear with me. I was abused when I was a kid by two guys far older than I was who were my neighbors then, an uncle which later apologised cos I don't go close to him and he saw I was hurt, and another relative that works with my dad who was brought from the village. I could not say anything to my parents being that I was threatened by all these people. My elder sister who was also younger than them always fought these neighbors of ours to protect us(I and my kid brother ) her younger ones but being the quiet type she won't say a word to mum when my mum comes back from work, because my mum was schooling and working, and my dad was always traveling to the village to handle the house project.
So is like most times we are all by ourselves, cos no aunties then, guess they had to go to school to better their lives. This made me to build a wall around myself as I was growing up so that no man comes to mess up my life being that I came from a strict discipline and God fearing background. My parents tried to provide all our needs. So if you are a guy you can't come to sweet talk me, because of that they call me Margret Thatcher.
My grand ma (may her soul rest in Peace) noticed that (the way I yell, insult, ignore guys that come to ask me out) so she counselled me to take it easy so they won't harm me one day, because then she was living with us. My mum too said that I frown at guys, she reported to my dad and they kept advising me that with the way I am going, will I get married at all, not knowing why I react the way I do.
Finally I tried loosing up, got into a relationship when I was in the university with a guy in the same university, dated for three years without sex, we had in mind of getting married, he was like a brother and my best friend (now married) cos he was ahead of me in class.
But the barrier was that he worships at Cherubim and Seraphim (C and S) and honestly I can't attend that church. I told him to go to any church and I will follow him, but C and S no and he had a crucial post in the church. So cos of that we broke up but we still talk once in a while, he still tells me how he really wanted to settle down with me, then I gave him a specific age that if he did nothing about this church issue between us if I see anyone and am okay with, I will go ahead and marry.
By then we all had graduated and he has started working while I was getting ready for service. Being that the part of the world I grew up in, every young lady at the age of marriage wanted to bear Mrs, I was not left out coupled with the pressure from relatives, marry marry you think you are beautiful. Girls are like flower and all that.
Now I was vulnerable and hurt cos of the break up, got tired of all the boyfriend scene so I wanted to just marry and get focused on my kids and husband. I had a friend then too in the university who told me about her boyfriend's friends as of then, now she is married to her boyfriend.
He saw my picture and got interested in me being that I was not in a relationship, she linked me up with this guy, being that I trusted her judgment so I asked a lot of questions concerning this guy cos he said he wanted to marry me. He just saw my pictures and that was it.
Now my parents being the busy type sent someone to make enquiries on this boy's family which we don't know if the person did or not, but came back to say all is well, I was not convinced about this young man cos I had no love for him, not my type of person, no connection, nothing, shared it with my mum but mothers, she said love will come, had another woman kind of church church person, she prayed and said he is the one but I was not convinced, being obedient and I was like this women know better than I.
I kept quiet and the traditional marriage took place, on that day Aunty Amara if you see my face you will know all was not well. I was not happy I just wished I could run away but could not cos of my type of family, the shame I will bring and all. Though before the paying of the bride price I cried to my mum that I was no longer interested, she was like she thought I was playing being that I play a lot. I even told the young man in question I was not interested, he threatened to report me to my dad knowing that my dad was a no nonsense man cos I told him all about my family, but he was shady about what he does for a living, he was arrogant, in fact he was not just transparent to me.
Saw me as a threat cos of educational and family background, though was nice cos he gives, he was also the church type. And I wanted a God fearing person and someone that can help my prayer life when am weak. But then I wanted to start up life with a man that had nothing but at least focused, not the already made man that will enslave me. He was secretive, he was not my friend, was scared of him cos he had this stern being. (sorry had to say all this so you will have a picture of this person in question).
Now I made sure I had no intimacy with him cos after the traditional wedding he wanted that, being that my mind was not in the marriage I tried avoiding it by telling him in his church they don't permit wedding a woman with pregnancy. And he is a worker so he let me be. I was serving so I tried avoiding his place, is either I am in my family house or at my place of service. We can't engage into a discussion without ending it with a quarrel.
By this time wedding plans were going on and with the help of friends I had to speak up to my family that I won't forge ahead with this wedding. That I was not interested, heaven was let loosed especially my mum, she was so disappointed that she was like I was the person that brought him, no one did so I must marry him. And I am the younger one of two daughters, the older was not married then.
So I had to tell her that if I must go on cos that was her word that the elder one must go anytime she finds a man and marry I will continue from where I stopped. I understood my mum's pains. Women and wanting their daughters marry, but then, I want to be happy. None was there for me not even my sister, then I was done with service went back home but home was hot, was able to get a job and left cos of the heat.
My mum with a lot of prayers and fasting, not just her alone, even I had to ask God to intervene if this man was mine, then he should do something to end this doubts of unhappiness. With too many dreams that I don't want to share cos my story is already too long.
Finally my dad understood. My mum was no more on my neck, in fact they said thank God I got the revelation quick and was running for my life. That the young man's brother called and said a lot of things, that he was not in support of the marriage being that his dad gave him mantle before he died that there is what they were to do in their father's compound they have not done blablabla.
So that marriage never held, anything that is mine I should come and collect it, and anything that is their brother's, he should come and collect It. Funny enough I never left with anything, the clothes I wore, the money, the gifts, I left everything. My family had to return the dowry and even more. Though there were lots of comments from him and his mum saying that if I should say no today to him, he will run to the church to do thanksgiving and his mum was like I am not her son shoe size, I should go look for my size likewise her son. I got to learn that he is married to a girl he do tell me is his sister back then, that they are blood related but she loves him but was told he can't marry her due to blood ties.
My friend that made me know this young man, we stopped communicating even when I tried to. Because she said her husband now who was her boyfriend then asked her to end any form of relationship with me, likewise she told him not to have anything to do with the young man. Cos I spoke to her that even if he told you that, you have forgotten school days how we helped ourselves.
I was not happy with her knowing fully well I trusted her judgment and yet could not say anything to me about this guy, and her reply was she did not want to pour sand sand inside my garri cos before she knew what was up we had invited her for traditional wedding.
Well that's life, so I got scared of marriage, coupled with what I read on this platform. Suitors kept coming, some that were there before this happened knew and still came to ask me for marriage, I could not give them any response because I was scared. One that was after me since two hundred level, was even in the traditional wedding still came to ask for my hand in marriage which my mum and sister likes him and wished I would accept him cos he is from the same village with me, I don't have feelings for him we ended up having misunderstanding and stopped talking.
My mum was still on the verge of me marry marry, I told her she should please let me be that with what happened before, she should know I will have to take it easy. Most times I quarrel with her because of marry marry, and she says no one will tell me the truth except her. She do say that there is no time for ladies and that I won't allow her mouth to reach. Now I am not dating anyone, is either men that comes I am not attracted to them, or those that I am attracted to either tribe or church is a barrier, being that my parents are insisting on an Igbo man.
I just feel I am lost, though am on my second degree and job hunting, sometimes I feel like hitting the convent and becoming a Rev. Sister which I once told my mum but her answer was disastrous, though talked to some of my friends, about being Rev.. Sis, they told me I am running away to hide, what if I don't fit in or I see who I am in love with and the person loves me back what happens? My story is just too long. I have been hurt by men seriously. I just feel alone, lost, all I want is to have peace and be happy. I know challenges will come. I have always wanted to marry my friend but I don't even know if I am ready to marry, I am sooooooo scared and confused, I know I have my flaws, I am not perfect but I am a good person.

Let me start by saying that you are a beautiful lady and a lady favoured by God. I know that in the midst of these life experiences and battles of your mind, you may have forgotten that you are unique, exceptional, adorable, lovely and a blessing to the universe. 
I know that you have had so much in your little time that will make you not to see anything good in love and marriage but the truth is that there is fulfilment, joy, freedom, happiness and divine peace that comes with having your companion as your best friend and soul mate than hiding under your pains and frustrations in the name of becoming a Rev. Sr. 
Let's begin from the very beginning of your journey when you were young and when some wicked men took advantage of your innocence. 
I perceive that the fear, the pains, the hatred, the bitterness and the anger of what they did to you is very much alive in your heart and this has been the reason why though you're fighting all your battles to win and defeat your past, peace has eluded your heart. 
I will encourage you to take a walk down the forgiveness lane and pour out all your pains and struggles down at the feet of Jesus Christ. Please let it go, let it all out. I know that it doesn't make sense to forgive, I'm sure you're asking how I knew. It's because I've also had reasons not to forgive, I've had reasons to revenge, I've had reasons to be bitter and pained and I have also had times when all I thought of was the best way to fight everything that reminded me of my pains or my past. 
Forgiveness was the only key that unlocked my fears and released me from all my burdens and pains. Forgiveness was the only virtue that made me realise that there is fulfilment and peace when you are in love with someone who doesn't treat you like an object but treats you like an angel.
I believe that if you can release all these men from your heart, you will meet your own man and you will realise that you can do more with love than you can do with your pains. 
Seek the face of God, release these ones and openly confess that you are deciding to forgive them and allow God to reward them for defiling your body. 
When you have done that, take your time and learn how to appreciate yourself. The simple truth is that you don't need a convent, you only need a covenant with God, a personal and divine walk with him. Your parents have done so much and I'm certain that you are grateful to God for them. Your friends have also been a blessing to you, but now it's time for you to recreate and rediscover yourself, your passion, your uniqueness and your happiness as a lady. 
Please stop living for your parents and start living for Jesus Christ who died on the cross of calvary to redeem you from the hands of the devil. You will never be happy if you continue to listen to people's opinions and formula of living on earth. 
Nobody and I repeat, nobody on earth has the best formula for life except the Almighty God who made us in his image. 
If God has ordained you to marry a Yoruba man or an Hausa man or an Edo man, your parents will only be a setback to your happiness and fulfilment as a lady. The real problem on earth is actually not our tribe and tongue, it's not the colour of our skin or our location, rather it is and has always been the content of our character and the state of our heart. 
There are great men who are extremely loving and caring in all spheres of the world, there are men who have the heart and the compassion of Jesus Christ and will never wish to see sand near your skin and there are also men who are worse than the devil himself. 
You need to stop limiting God by believing that your husband must come from Anambra, Imo, Enugu, Ebonyi and Abia state, and perhaps if your parents doesn't like those from Imo, Ebonyi and Abia, you will then reject those suitors and continue to wait for those from Anambra or Imo, forgetting that you are the one who is getting married to your husband and not your parents, and your happiness is what matters and not your parents demands. 
Please don't allow anyone to push you into getting married to a terrible man. Please don't allow your parents to experiment with your life or use you to test marriage with their own choice of man. 
If God brings a man from London to you as your husband and you have prayed and sought the face of God, you are convinced and comfortable with him, you are at peace with him, and you believe in your heart that he is the one that will bring out the best in you, please prayerfully present him to your parents and ask them to bless your marriage. 
This is why I said that you don't need a convent but a covenant with God. Maybe you should read A Raging River to understand why I said so to avoid making a mess of your journey. 
Thank God that you stood up for your convictions and resisted getting married to a total stranger, maybe you wouldn't have been here to share your experience with him.
Every lady is never prepared for marriage until she meets a man who makes her smile effortlessly, pampers her without reservations and makes her dream about marriage every night and day..
I pray that God will give you the grace to forgive and let go of your pains and struggles and also bless you with a man who will make you enjoy the beauty of life, love and marriage.

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