I Feel Like the Worst Sinner in the World.

Good afternoon ma. Thanks for the wonderful work you are
doing. Please my story is long, so bear with me.
Ma I'm really troubled. I'm a young lady in her mid twenties
(24) and presently working in a good firm.
A lot of things have really happened in my life. I can't justify
my actions though but I know I have a very good heart but
in a bid to get things done the right way, I have done things I
know I shouldn't do. I write to you in tears cos I have lost it. I got it all wrong at a very tender age.
I had sex with my childhood friends. It then became something we always did when we got the opportunity. This happened when I was 10 years. After that time it never happened again till I entered the university. But I couldn't help but hate myself for what I did as a kid.
This affected my mentality and self esteem and I felt I wasn't good enough for any man. And worst of all I didn't know I was still a virgin. The guy was my mate and being a
young boy then, I now know he couldn't have disvirgined me,
so he didn't break the hymen. I grew up and learnt that for
virginity to be lost the hymen has to be broken. I remembered I
never saw blood around me nor felt any pain
when I first did it with the boy and I fell into a deeper
dilemma.
If there was no blood, who then took my virginity? I kept wondering if someone tampered with me as a baby
and I so hated myself and the guys that lived in our house
then cos I thought one of them did. When I entered my first relationship, I didn't have sex in mind, I wanted to love and be
loved. But when the question of virginity came up I told the
guy I was not a virgin.
I had lost my self worth and in my ignorance I told my self
that no man would value or respect me since I was not a
virgin. So I easily let him sleep with me. It was hard making
love with him the first time. It was so painful and there was
blood but I didn't know it was the hymen that was being
broken. I only thought it was just an ordinary blood as a
result of doing it for the first time after six years and also because I believed someone tampered with me when I was a baby. It got to the point that I felt it was only sex that he wanted and I had to leave the relationship cos I wanted to do things right (to end sex before marriage) .
Finally I entered another one and the same thing I was
running away from started happening. I decided to let go
and work on myself. But yet I couldn't. It hurts so much
that the more I tried to get things right, the more I fell deeper
into doing wrong.
Finally I started dating a guy but then the worst happened. Before then, I had never gotten pregnant. Though I was always careful but sometimes I wondered if actually I was a woman. So there was a lost of confusion in my life. I felt I wasn't good and how can I deliver myself from this chain of self hatred? Suddenly I took in and out of fear of what people will say, I aborted the baby.
Something I never imagined I could do and I still regret up till now. I have prayed and made a covenant with God but sometimes I don't feel at peace. I have also greatly started working on myself and I have not broken my covenant and don't intend to. I am a very loveable person and people are asking for my hands in marriage but I still feel very terrible. I'm so broken.
One of the guys loves me with everything in him but he said
he can't be with a lady who has had abortion. Everyone
knows he wants to marry me. He wants the traditional wedding in August. I'm really scared.
Now I don't know how to tell him that I can't marry him cos I have had an abortion. Will I ever get married to my dream man? How can I ever forgive myself? I feel like the worst sinner in the world. I feel so dirty and miserable cos this is not the kind of person am meant to be.
My past keeps playing before me. What do I do? I will gladly
welcome strong rebukes but let them be accompanied by
truth.


The only challenge you are dealing with here is self guilt and righteousness. You feel that you are not beautiful enough, you are not righteous enough, you are not Holy enough, you are not worthy enough because of all that happened in your past.
But I have both a strange news and a good news for you. The strange news is that all your fears and worries were buried with Jesus Christ when he died for you on the cross of calvary. The good news is that you are a brand new creature with a brand new beginning.
You have no idea the kind of God that you serve and this was the reason why you limit him by your thoughts and perceptions of self.
As I read your mail, I saw a young beautiful lady who never knew her left from right. She had no one to guide her, to teach her, to support her and advise her and as a result had to learn from the hard and rugged way.
Seeing sex as a normal thing at ten, losing your self esteem, evaluating your value to your vagina and feeling that without virginity you can never accomplish God's purpose for your life.
All these thoughts and perceptions are in all honesty baseless and unfounded. They only exist in the mind of the society and never in the heart of God.
I know that you have already sought the mercy of God concerning your life but I want you to do this with all consciousness and purpose knowing that the God you serve is not a god made by man or man's opinions but the God who made all flesh and all the treasures and riches of life.
Kneel down before God and open up from the depth of your heart and apologise for all your mistakes, errors, ignorance, experiments and decisions that hurt him. Ask for forgiveness and ask him to please set you free from the condemnation of the devil. After that, thank him for forgiving you and accepting you back, and declare to yourself that you have also forgiven yourself. Call your name and proclaim that if God has forgiven and has forgotten your past, that you will decide to forgive yourself and let go of all those thoughts and fears that has gripped your heart.
After this exercise hold the word of God so dearly to your heart and allow the word of God to redesign a better world for your journey. You don't need to be ashamed or afraid of the opinion of men or their perception of your partner.
Let him know that you were once in the world and when you were there, you lost your virginity and that you aborted your baby. You are not telling him this because you are proud of your actions but because you are grateful for the work of grace in your life. Let him know that you are aware that he doesn't want to marry a lady who has committed abortion before and that you understand his fears. However that your love for Christ and your desire to please him won't let you hide this truth from him. If he's not going to marry you, good and fine, and if he still goes ahead to marry you, to God be all the glory.
You have to realise that you are not an ordinary lady because of your past, but you are a divine protect in the hands of a gracious God. If a harlot could anoint Jesus the son of God, the same God will use you to fulfil the divine mandate of your life.
You don't need to be afraid or too careful because of your past, what you must hold so dear to your heart is the word of God, God's promises for your life and God's covenant with you.
He's too faithful to forsake his promises or forget about you or fail you in life. There is nothing that you need that is beyond the capacity of God and that is why he is the All plus the Mighty meaning the Almighty God. He will surprise you with a man who will love you without reservation.
I am personally proud of you and I pray that God who has started this great work in your life shall bring it to perfection in Jesus name Amen.