Sunday, August 14, 2016

Why Must I be the Victim Always?

Dear sister Amara, I seriously need your guidiance and advise as am in a fixed now. This is the second time am writing you, my write up is quite lengthy, please bear with me but will try and summarize.
I got married legally to the guy I thought would be the best, I thought he would be an angel not knowing he's just a disguise. Am still surprised at the turn around of things.

We wedded at the registry and did introduction/engagement alone. Since when we got married the whole responsibility of the house has shifted to me, I pay bills, cook three square meals, pay house rent, prepare different soup over the weekend with my money, am the one paying his school fees since he is furthering his education, he had a son before marriage and I pay his school fees too.
Since he would always be complaining about having one problem or the other at work, whenever his mum needs anything he would turn to me that he is broke, and I will provide what she wants every time, while he would be when I want to help my family.
Aunty, have always tried not to complain or make myself sad, I try to choose happiness upon all what am going through inside the house, even his clothing, I buy them. I never knew he was pretending to lure me into all this. I did not force myself to marry him rather he did cos he won't allow my mum, my siblings rest, he buys them things and give them things, he would sit in my house for hours begging, I never knew all was lies until I gave in.
Now the issue is that upon all the responsibilities am shouldering, he doesn't care about me or value me or appreciate me, he insults me at will, I wake up and sleep with insult. His 5 years old son is very dear to him, he doesn't even give a hoot about me. I can't remember the last time I got N3000 from him in three months. Yet he always want his food ready at all times.
I never knew this is how marriage is, how will I continue to endure this? He pretends outside as if he is the best husband when he sees my people. If he has money he buys things for himself alone and his son. He would always borrow huge sum of money without paying.
Aunty when I changed my job, I showed him my appointment letter, there he saw my earnings, I never knew showing him was a mistake. I don't have issue with his little son cos on a regular basis I do chopping for the boy and pay his fees but his father his making me sad.
Aunty I have been trying to conceive (TTC) for eighteen months now, have done all tests advised by gynaecologist and it turns out am fine, my doctor kept demanding for his own fertility test, that even though I take any drugs to increase chances, it might be a waste unless he does his own test, I have to force him to go and do the fertility test.
Aunty all the treatment, test that have been done was solely paid for by me he cares less, he won't even give me listening ear. He forced me to pay back the money for his test which I did. When result came out he had low sperm count and staphylococcus, he just dumped the result in the house for three months now without doing anything, waiting for me to buy him the drug.
He was a churchy godly person before of which he was the one that would make sure I don't miss church before, but now the reverse is the case, he prefers traditional things. For no reason he would pick quarrels with me and this is because I have stopped spending on him.
Aunty currently we no longer talk to each other and we stay in same house, he prefers to go to functions, events, party with his son alone. Aunty I get sad each time am at home, my heart is always heavy, I feel sad as if am used. Am really frustrated. Is this how I will continue through out my life?
Am regretting cause my pastor also told me he has prayed and he is the right man. Now everyone is saying he is not my husband that I should leave. As I type, am sleeping on the floor because his son is on the bed, and that's just his orders. Aunty help with your sincere words of advise, I hope I would find succor hearing from you. I will be 32 years in few months time, also he got separated from his baby mother and they weren't married.
I wonder why my life is twisted and why I have not always met better guys. I pay tithes, I pay first fruit, I help churches, I give alms, I visit orphanages, what kind of journey of life do I have? Am I not praying hard? Why must I be the victim always? Please help me post. God bless you greatly.

To say that I am greatly pained by your mail is putting it mildly. I am more pained because I preach everyday about some of the signs to avoid when choosing a partner, but time and time again, many individuals ignore them and then get married to an irresponsible, unprepared, and selfish partner. 
He may have exhibited these attributes but your love for him was so overwhelming that you didn't care about anything else, and him knowing all that you had decided to exploit you to his own benefits. 
Now that you've realised that you are not comfortable with his personality and attitude to you, you need to start by correcting the wrong impression that you gave in the beginning so that he will wake up to his responsibilities. 
It's not appropriate for you to carry all the responsibilities in your family while he does as he likes and insult you in the process. He needs to contribute, plan and cater for the things that your family needs, because he's the husband and the leader in your marriage. 
While there's nothing wrong with getting married to a man who has a child, it's terrible if the man loves his child much more than he loves his wife, and in your home, it's actually the case which needs to be corrected so that both of you can work together and build your marriage. 
I will encourage you to sit down with your husband and pour your heart to him about your worries. In a situation where you feel that he won't give you such a privilege to discuss your concerns with him, please consider engaging your family and his family so that everyone will hear you out and share their thoughts with you and your husband. 
In the interim, I won't encourage you continue footing the bills in your marriage while he goes around town having party with his son. 
Get hold of your emotions and confront this mess, else you will continue this way for the rest of your marriage. 
There's no need to regret and feel bad because you got married to him, every man have his own weaknesses and every marriage have its own peculiar challenges, what you need to do is find out ways to manage them without losing yourself in your marriage.
It's also the best time to invite God in your home and intercede for your husband and your marriage. The heart of a man is in the hands of God and he is the only one who have the capacity to change anyone and make him a better man. 
Your marriage is not beyond redemption, you only need to wake up and address this issue so that both of you can reunite and work together in your home.
I pray that God will bless you with fruits of the womb and reward you for your sacrifices in your marriage.

1 comment:

  1. Ma Amara has said it all. U hav to be careful and don't push it hard when u give excuse for not taking care him and his son as advised by AVL to avoid being a victim of physical domestic violence...


Designed by Tunde Sanusi (Tuham)