Monday, October 31, 2016

How Do I Break-up With A Guy Who Has Been Good To Me?

Ma, I am a 28 years old lady from the middle belt and am dating a 27 years old uniform guy from the East. I met F while I was serving in June this year.
He is nice, caring and good. I don't know how to explain how much F loves me.
He can do anything for me. Though he is not not financially buoyant but when it comes to material things, he is always there even though I have never asked him for money.

Ma, I always wonder how he get to know what I want without me saying it out. He also respects me a lot. Two months into the relationship, he introduced me to his friends, colleagues and relatives, his people are all good to me . A month before my POP, he jokingly told me he will propose to me at my place of primary assignment but I told him to wait because of the following reasons.

Ma, the problem is that F doesn't have a strong will, we don't engage in any discussions, I don't know his dreams/visions(I doubt if he has any), and when I draw his attention to it, he will tell me how much he loves business but he is not doing anything as regards that. He doesn't really motivates me except I tell him my ideas and what I intend to do.

Ma, I told him to go back to school and he has agreed to but deep within, I know he doesn't love school and I have told him that even though he denied, his actions say it all.
Another problem is that his friends uses him anyhow. I don't know how to explain this but he is been bullied. I am sure it's because of his height as he is not on the tall side at all.
Ma, he wants us to get married but he doesn't read book and he has never read any book on marriage (I know all this because I ask him a lot of questions).

On the other hand, my parent and siblings feels he is not good enough for me. They complain about his height (and you know am not tall either. So they are like I should consider our kids), being an SSCE holder and the fact that he gave both my parent and sibling the same impression the first day he meet them on three different occasions.

The first day he meet my mum, he was just operating his phone, we went to my siblings school, he did the same thing. When he travelled to Abuja, we visited my sister he just focused on his phone all through. I tried explaining to them that he is a shy person but they didn't believe. I explained everything to my Pastor (the same thing I wrote here), he asked if I can cope with all this and I told him no, at the end, he advised I break up with him.

Because I don't know how to break up with a guy who has been good and loves me, I travelled down to where he is and told him everything, I was just crying while explaining to him. He wasn't happy, though I don't expect him to. He went outside, I don't know if he cried but everything just changed when he came him, he asked if I love him and I told him yes. Ma, he then brought out the ring and proposed to me, I had to tell him to wait again. Now, I am at home and my parent and still saying the same thing.

Ma, though I am in love but I still want to use my brain. I don't want to make mistakes in marriage. If at all I am going to leave him, how do I go about it because I still don't want to hurt him.
Even my friends told me to leave him that our level of thinking cannot be the same and that it's going to be a problem after wedding.

Ma, please help me because I don't know what to do. Am sorry for the long story and all the errors.

Unlike all that your friends, parents, and pastor think or feel about him, I personally believe in that young man who has been reduced to a caricature simply because he selflessly loves you. 
Yes he's not educated and behind his not being educated is a story that you perhaps have no idea about. Irrespective of his life battles and limitations, he strived to be relevant to the society and responsible to himself. 
He may not have great vision but he understands what it takes to show love to a lady, provide her needs, understand her personality and support her in all her endeavours. 
He maybe shy but it doesn't mean that he is not teachable or that his future is doomed. 
This man is looking for a lady who will love him so much to believe in his personality and help him channel his life to a great purpose for himself. 
He's looking for lady who won't criticise him for the things that he couldn't change but accept him the way he is and love his imperfect personality. 
For him to love you so much and desire to marry you shows that he genuinely appreciates education but maybe he was unable to attain to that height as a result of some circumstances that was beyond his control. 
The real question is, though you claim to love him, do you love him so much that you see the best in him and believe the best of him? Do you see yourself as a springboard that this man can use to soar to greater heights? Do you see the hidden talents and potentials in this man that both of you can work on to help him become a redefined man that you're yearning for. 
There are some women who got married to crude men and the world made mockery of them. There are some men who got married to a village lady but today their stories have changed. 
Where you meet an individual is actually not what defines him, what you see in him is the only thing that can determine how far both of you can go together. 
If you're looking for a man who meets up with the same social status like you, there are two ways to get him. It's either you prayerfully wait for an already made man or you prayerfully humble yourself and allow God to use you as a seed to bring out the best in your partner. 
The problem is not that he's shy or an uneducated man or a security man or a man without vision, instead the real problem is that you have a poor perception of his personality because of your certificate and limited knowledge. 
The question is what is love to you and what can sacrifice for the sake of the one that you truly love? What is important to you? Getting married to a man who loves you endlessly and selflessly or getting married who is acceptable to the whole world but terrible to you? 
This is both a test of your conviction and a test of what love truly entails to you. If you feel that he doesn't meet up with your social status, kindly let him know and move on with your life. 
In the end, nobody else will walk in this journey of marriage with you, and nobody else knows what you need most in life except you and you alone. 
Seek the face of God, hear from God and then decide what you feel you can cope with as an individual before taking any other decision whether to continue or move on with your life.

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