Thursday, November 10, 2016

How Can We Discern Her Emotions?

Good morning ma. How are you and your family doing?  Your advice last time helped a lot. Am grateful for that. I have a brother here in Europe that needs your advice on his ongoing relationship issues. He is 32 by age, a graduate, and well to do in his area of business. He travelled to Nigeria in August to find a wife for himself.
As God may have it, he succeeded in finding this 20 years old girl. She is an undergraduate that is entering her third year by this November. 
He opened up to the girl and told her of his intentions for her. She responded positively about them engaging in a courtship. As he returned to Europe, he talks with the elder sister to the girl and also with the mum just to build a foundational relationship with the girl and also give her sense of security that he is serious. They talk daily but always very brief because there was usually nothing to talk about. The girl said that she has never been in a relationship or loved anyone before. So that she doesn't know what it's like to be in love or in a relationship.  So I encouraged him to be patient with her that she will open up as time goes but that never happened.  They talk as usual but nothing was progressing. This guy tried to meet up all her monetary needs. She doesn't lack anything yet she wasn't improving. They still just say hi, how was your day and so so. The girl resides in Abuja while the guy's parents stays in Enugu. 
It happened that the girl was on holiday and decided to go to her uncle's house in Enugu to spend the holiday. And one day in their course of discussion the guy told the girl that his parents wants to see her, that since she is in Enugu that she should make out time to meet  them, that his parents is interested in seeing their daughter-in-law to be.  
That was when the whole thing started, the girl said that she isn't ready to see his parents yet. That she has never thought about what it means to get married before, that they just met for a month, that she doesn't like or love him yet, that it's too early for her to see his parents. 
The guy said okay, I even encouraged him to be more patient with her and give her time. But the funny thing is that she never skips to say I love you whenever she finish writing him messages. Because of her attitude they had a little issue which the girl's mum and sister were calling and asking him to give her more time that she's a small girl, that the girl has been crying since their misunderstanding started.
After all things they started again, talking as usual, trying to make the relationship work out. Then just last week the girl chatted him up saying she now wants to see the parents cos she is leaving Enugu soon. The guy told her not to worry since she said the last time that she wasn't ready that she should take her time that they can always go to see the parents when she is ready that he doesn't want to rush her. She now told him that she is ready. The guy asked  her how is she ready . Does that mean that she has fallen in love him. she said NO that she DOESN'T LOVE HIM THAT IS SHE JUST STARTING TO LIKE SOMETHING ABOUT HIM. 
The guy now asked her why she has now decided to see his parents . She said it's out of curiosity, that she doesn't like men. The guy now asked her if she was a lesbian, that how can she not like men. She took offence and started saying many things, that the guy is hurrying her to get married, that only God knows why. She said a lot of things which the guy never responded and decided to break-up the relationship . This happened on Saturday. The girl didn't even chat him up till Wednesday.  After she told her sister, the sister told her she was wrong and since then the whole family has been pleading. The girl  has been writing messages since yesterday, the sister has been begging, and the mum too. They said that she is sick from crying that she has fever, that she has realized that she loved him and that she is ready to make amends but the guy is fed up. 
Please ma how do we go about this? This her last confession of love. How do we interpret it. We really need your urgent advice.

Any man who decides to date a very young lady must be emotionally, psychologically, and mentally prepared to go through some emotional and psychological torture in the bid to win her heart. 
One of the not so good times for a relationship in a lady's life is the phase of self discovery and maturity. This is the time that men desires to grab her and love her endlessly because her body is fresh and glows like the morning sun. 
Unfortunately, this is the time a lady desires to fly, conquer the world, compete with anyone and anything, and do whatever comes to her mind no matter how good or bad it is. 
In as much as she may claim to be in love with him, the truth is that she's yet to get hold of herself and her surging emotions that makes her feel that there's no need for a man in her life. Her sister and her mother understands this phase which is why they're working tirelessly hard to guide her and help her understand that there's more to reality than her fantasy world. 
If your brother genuinely loves her, he must give her some time and space too, he must stop giving her things and impressing her with his wealth, he must consciously build his friendship with her, and give her the time to figure out what she truly wants so that he doesn't get married to a beautiful stranger. 
If he wanted a stable relationship, he should have gone for a lady who is mentally and emotionally prepared for a committed relationship rather than going for a lady who is still trying to figure out what she wants in her life. 
Since he's in love with her, maybe he should leave the door of friendship open so that he can learn more about her personality and understand her fears, worries, and concerns. He must allow her to figure out what she wants and naturally go for it to avoid getting married to a lady who will crush his emotions with disrespect and insubordination. 
It is a difficult moment in a lady's life and sometimes the pressures of life may push her to do things that she may not have prepared herself for. 
It's a phase, every lady had such experience before they realised that the 'perfect' body of a lady fades with time. So it's really left for your brother to decide, I will suggest that the lady writes to me to help me understand her concerns and convictions in the relationship and in her journey. 
Her family may push for your brother to wait and marry their daughter but he needs a lady who won't give him tantrums and emotional torture. 
Maybe after talking with her, I will then discern what is on her mind and the best option to consider.


  1. This is one of the best advice ever. Your brother should let the girl face her studies. There are so many mature girls who are ready to settle. 32 going for 20. She just came out her teenage years. Pls allow her to grow. If he can't wait, then he should go for someone more mature.

  2. The truth is the mother and sister are begging because they want to milk your brother. He should let the girl be or better still stop giving her money. The parents see all that and are pushing her to you. Let your brother shine his eyes.


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