Saturday, January 13, 2018

Should I Proceed with Wedding Despite Her Stubbornness?

Dear Amara, I never imagined that someday I will write for advice.
You see, my mother and sisters even my brothers does not like my new wife. According to them, they said that she is very stubborn and does not take corrections. If you ask me, I think I agree with them.
It happened that last July of 2017, I went home to Nigeria, and my brother's wife introduced me to the girl that is my wife now (because I had asked her to find me someone she thinks she can vouch for as having good character for a wife).
I never intended to marry in the country where I reside because I dislike those women's orientation and philosophy of life, and because I knew no girl back home, I already knew her character, i could ask to marry me. So when I got home and saw her, I liked her instantly and asked my elder brother what he thought about her, he told me that his wife and his very self have known the girl for some time, and they think she is of good character, and if I like her, that I can go ahead and ask for her hand in marriage.
I did ask her to marry me and she accepted. I stayed for about a month and went back to my base. We communicated for few months and I sent money, and asked my brother to liaise with my mother to go see her people and pay her bride price for me and they did. 
Now the problem is, during last Christmas I sent her to go and stay with my family, during her stay, my sisters would call me to complain, my mother even had to call her parents to lay complaints about her character, she even insisted on going to see her parents but I asked her not to.
Even my brother complained too but when I asked her what all the complaints was about, she denied being of bad comports and insisted that she was only been misunderstood.
Truth is that I find her very stubborn and non submissive often, even though I am yet to admit it to my mother. Now, coming February, I intend to go home to see her, and my mother is insisting she would summon her mother for a talk about her.
According to my mother, she thinks my wife cannot be respectful and submissive to me, she even suggested I leave my new wife to live with her for sometime before I can take her with me. I must not forget that my mother implied that it is better if I can forget all I spent in paying her bride prize and find someone else than living with a woman who finds it hard to submit.
I have had serious talks about this issue of stubbornness and non submissiveness with my girl in particular, and on every occasion she accepts that she knows she is stubborn but promises to do her best to change.
I am not willing to let go because I truly love her now, but I am afraid that in our society, a man does not marry his wife alone, his siblings are a force not to take for granted. Should I let my mother summon her mother when I go home next February? What can I do?

As much as your mail is concerned, I couldn't spot exactly what this young lady have done to be seen as an unsubmissive and very stubborn wife. 
All I could understand from your mail is that we have an old boy who is looking for a wife, and as a result have decided to let every of his family decide who he should marry. 
From his brother's wife to his mother, there is no single atom of responsibility, maturity, and confidence in his decisions or actions. His mother will decide, his brother will analyze, and his sisters will pick up all her fault and then give him report on whether to continue or not. 
Let me ask you, how do you hope to know your partner when you have decided to treat her like a slave in the hands of your family? How on earth do you wish to make this lady happy when you have succeeded in caging her life with everybody finding faults in her? 
The implication of your actions is that you may end up getting married to the lady who your family loves, but may end up with a lady you are not happy with. 
The first thing you must do is to take responsibility for some decisions about your marital life, and who you want to grow with in your marriage. 
Your brother's wife have made her recommendation, it is now left for you to decide whether her recommendation is what you want for yourself or not, not the decision of your mother or brother. 
I understand how much you love your mother/family, but at this point in your life, you need to evaluate what is most important to you, especially when it comes to who you wish to spend the rest of your life with, and then decide whether you wish to continue with her or not. 
The timing is too short for you to make conclusions based on what your family thinks of her. You need to build your friendship with her, and give her some time to understand you and integrate into your family, and she can only do this when you are with her to guide her. 
The decision of whether to marry her or not should be yours, not that of your mother, and if possible minimize too much interference of your mother in your marriage so that you can make your decision devoid of sentiments but personal conviction. 
Please spend some time with her, and then give her the love and freedom she needs to reveal her personality, then you can decide whether to continue with the marriage or to bid her goodbye.

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